On the Church: Potluck, Pedestals & Pr'arrows

Dear friends,


Last night in our Bible study group, we were discussing what church is. I wasn’t taking notes (I usually do), but three P words came to mind that I thought about and brought up in the course of our conversation.


One is that church is ideally like a potluck dinner. It’s not just the pastor serving out a meal, but everyone bringing something different to feed each other’s souls. This is especially true in a small group setting, where we are interacting with one another rather than listening to a sermon. But it is true of the church at large, too – not just the local church but the “universal church” made up of believers from every nation and generation. The Bible teaches “the priesthood of every believer” – we are all meant to minister to one another. We each have a unique perspective to offer, unique gifts that God has given us to bless one another. In my potluck analogy, this might be a main dish, a side dish, a dessert, or a beverage – spiritually speaking that would be something to edify, encourage, challenge, instruct, amuse, or quench a thirsty heart.


The second word is pedestal. In our church, we’ve gone through a bit of shaking in recent months since the resignation of one of our pastors brought many troubling issues to more public light. This shaking is a gift, even though it has brought a lot of pain and many people have left. Why is it a gift? Because in so many ways, people have put our church and pastors on a pedestal over the years. One man said last night, “We thought our church was ‘da bomb!’” (as in something really special), to which another man instantly quipped, “Yeah, and da bomb exploded!” But God doesn’t want us to place our trust in a church or in other people who will invariably fail us in some way at some point in time. The purpose of being “shaken” is to topple things off their pedestals so they are instead resting on the one true and solid foundation, which is Jesus. Humility requires us to lower ourselves and lift up the Lord. As C.S. Lewis wrote, “A proud man is always looking down on things and people; and of course, as long as you're looking down, you can't see something that's above you." Likewise, as someone else brought up, we are sometimes overgrown plants that must be pruned back to make us even more fruitful. He cuts away what will hinder us – even good things! -- to allow his energy to flow even more powerfully into the areas where he wants us to grow. Painful? Yes! Necessary? Absolutely!


The third word is pr'arrows. I’ll be you’ve never heard of that one since I just made it up this morning. It's a contraction for the words “prayer arrow.” Last night at our meeting, I realized that part of being “church” is to take the time to encourage and pray for our brothers and sisters who have ventured to far places on this globe to spread the Good News about Jesus to those who have not yet heard. They are engaged in “spiritual warfare” for the hearts of those for whom Christ died. Do we send them out there by themselves to the front-line? Maybe geographically we can’t be with them, laboring alongside them, but we can certainly cover them with fervent intercessory prayer – shooting out pr'arrows to assist them in the battle. I am trying to become more faithful in this, so I divided my prayer list into six days, with different things for each day. One of my daily categories is world missions, with one continent per day. I pray for three or four missionaries/ministries (most of whom we know personally) each day. To add practicality to my prayers, I also try to send encouraging e-mails, ideas for ministry, and occasional care packages. Why is this so important? Because in many cases, these dear men and women have had to leave their beloved home churches and minister in places where there is no established local church.  They still need "church" though, or they will be even more vulnerable to discouragement and burnout.  We are called to care for them!

• Potluck: We are each a vital part of the body of Christ, bringing our offerings to bless one another. Read 1 Corinthians 12.
• Pruning & Pedestal: We must be willing to let go of anything in our own lives that hinders us or others in our walks with Jesus. We must lift HIM up, and not place our trust in imperfect humans and organizations. Read John 15:1-11 and 1 Corinthians 3.
• Pr'arrows: We can cover our brothers and sisters in intercessory prayer even when we cannot fellowship with them face to face. Read 2 Corinthians 1:8-13.

What is the church to you? Think about it, even if you are not currently a part of one!


Blessings,


Virginia Knowles

Disillusioned and Disappointed? Take It to Jesus!

Dear friends,

For the past several months, I've been reading (and meditating) my way slowly through four gospels, simultaneously studying each event in the life of Christ from the different perspectives each writer brings.  This morning I landed on the story of Jesus healing a demon-possessed boy in Matthew 17:14-20, Mark 9:14-29, and Luke 9:37-43.  I would like to share my notes with you and then end with a poem called "Psalm to Sweet Jesus" that I wrote many years ago.

Here is Matthew's account of what happened when Jesus came off the mountain after his transfiguration:

And when they came to the crowd, a man came up to him and, kneeling before him, said, “Lord, have mercy on my son, for he is an epileptic and he suffers terribly. For often he falls into the fire, and often into the water. And I brought him to your disciples, and they could not heal him.” And Jesus answered, “O faithless and twisted generation, how long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you? Bring him here to me.” And Jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of him, and the boy was healed instantly. Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, “Why could we not cast it out?” He said to them, “Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.”

One of the things which struck me is that Jesus' disciples had utterly failed this man, and he was disappointed.  Yet even his disillusionment with Christians did not deter him from seeking out the Master himself.   He needed help for his boy, and he went to the Source.  This is relevant to me because I am often discouraged by what I see in Christians around me, specifically a lack of awareness of the power of God to change lives through grace.  They suck the vibrant faith right out of other people by their insistence on following man-made rules and trying to defeat the powers of evil by human effort and systems.  But I am equally discouraged seeing those on the other end of the spectrum who have been so burned by legalism that they totally give up trying to follow Jesus at all, and end up trading the true liberty (to do what is right and good and honoring to God) for license to do whatever they want.  When they see hypocrisy, they react by not only bolting from the church, but abandoning Jesus and common decency, too.  Instead, we can confidently go to him and say, "I think you have been poorly represented and I am hurting.  Please teach me what you really want me to know in this situation, and heal my heart."

We need the holy boldness that faith in Jesus brings.  He is capable of handling our darkest problems.  I can't imagine anything worse than seeing my child controlled by a demon.  It's bad enough dealing with garden-variety bad moods.  Yet no matter how big or small the problem, I can bring it to Jesus and beg for his help.  Other Christians can help, yes, but there is nothing like going straight to the Master.

Reading in Mark's version, I find the following conversation:

The boy's father: "But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.” 

Jesus: “If you can! All things are possible for one who believes.”

The boy's father: "I believe; help my unbelief!”

So the man didn't even need to have perfect faith.  He realized that he was struggling with doubt, and he lays that out for Jesus, asking for help with that in addition to help for his son.   When we are facing problems as wives and moms, we can go to Jesus and be honest about our doubts.  He will take us where we are, and fill us with faith as we open our hearts to him.  Just a mustard seed of faith is all it takes to move a mountain!

And finally, Luke concludes his story with: "And all were astonished at the majesty of God."

I still haven't fully processed that statement.  Take a few moments and meditate on it for yourself.  Don't be complacent with spiritual stagnancy, doubt, and disillusionment.   Take your troubles to Jesus, and be astonished at his majesty!

After I wrote all this, I remembered a poem I wrote about a decade ago that fits here:

Psalm to Sweet Jesus

by Virginia Knowles

Sweet Jesus, you bring to me all that is good:
Comfort and hope when I am discouraged,
Peace and reconciliation when I am in conflict,
Strength and enthusiasm when I am weary,
Wisdom and guidance when I am confused,
Courage and confidence when I am afraid,
Forgiveness and mercy when I have done wrong.

You bore the fatal punishment that I deserved,
Yet rose up again in power,
Promising that if I would turn from my awful sin,
And believe in your awesome grace,
I could become your own precious child,
And enter into your everlasting Gloryland.

Such a rich salvation that I could never earn!
As a simple gift of gratitude,
With help from your Word and your Spirit,
I will trust and obey your loving commands,
I will worship you with my prayers and songs,
I will serve others joyfully,
I will share your Good News,
So that each one who hears and believes
May receive the matchless treasure
Found only in you.

Blessings,

Virginia Knowles

http://www.comewearymoms.blogspot.com/

True Repentance (It's a Very Good Thing!)

Hey, don't let that title scare you! Even if you aren't a religious person, you might want to read to the end… There's something there just for you!

Dear friends,

Whenever we extract a sound bite from what someone else has said or written, we run the risk of the words being misconstrued since they are out of context. As a writer and speaker, I've often had that happen to me.

Yesterday on Facebook, I noticed that our youth pastor had posted a snippet of a John Piper sermon from the T4G (Together for the Gospel) conference that he and our other pastors attended this week. I'm assuming he was trying to provoke thought and discussion when he quoted: "We sin every time we repent for sinning." Huh, what? Jesse must have been successful on the provoking part because he had a flurry of comments, including several from me. Two of my replies were:


"With a focus like this, why get up in the morning? Why do anything? I stand with being completely covered with the blood of Christ, and that my repentance is pleasing to the Lord. He knows our frame. To focus on repentance being tainted is to detract from its inherent beauty. He forgives us, not on the purity of our repentance, but on the purity of his mercy. So I walk in the victory of knowing him, and this gives me the confidence to go do the good things I know he has called me to do (including repentance), not worrying overmuch if they are somehow not good enough. My gifts, my heart, my worship are given in love, and even this feeble human love is gladly received by the very Source of that love. We are “God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved” (Colossians 3:12)."

~and~

"With all due respect, I spent enough years dwelling on sin and my inherent failure to be good enough, but the real joy and peace came when I started resting on who I am in Christ, in God’s work in me, and in the empowering fruitfulness of the Holy Spirit. It is the intense focus on our sinfulness that has led so many people to become discouraged with life and with church. A focus on the victory of Christ leads to liberty and progress. It is indeed a matter of focus, but that little matter makes all the difference to me and to so many others. I’ve tasted the sweet goodness of God and there’s no way I am going back. I hope to lead some others along with me in the process."


I still stand by those comments, but I decided to think a little bit more about Jesse's explanation that, "His (Piper's) point is that our motives are always mixed and tainted by sin. Even the good things we try are not perfect…" and "Sin is not just sinful acts, but missing the mark in general, which we always do (Romans 3)."


Even though I would have chosen better words to describe it, I would agree with them that sometimes our repentance falls short of the mark, and I'm sorry I reacted so defensively to him quoting it.   Anyway, I was thinking early this morning about what true repentance is. The Golden Rule, "Do to others what you would have them do to you," came to mind. How do I want other people to repent when they have offended me? I should do the same, not just for them, but for God.

So, without a long chapter-and-verse theological treatise, here is my take on what real repentance looks like -- at least ideally (recognizing of course that I fall short of this every single time!):

• I will listen when others come to me and tell me that they are concerned or have been offended by what I have done, said, or even communicated through my body language. I will think about this, and discern whether there is truth to what they are saying. Even if I do not agree or if I think the accusation was unfair or poorly presented, I will not react with defensive anger, but I will communicate my perspective to them pleasantly and ask for any needed clarification.
• I will acknowledge my hurtful attitudes, words, and actions. I will not deny that I did them or that they were wrong, nor will I come up with a dozen excuses or find a way to blame anyone else for what I did. (That is not to say that someone else wasn't wrong too or that their actions shouldn't be addressed as well, just that I can't blame my action on them. I still have to take the responsibility for my part.)
• I will explore and seek to understand specifically how these attitudes and actions have dishonored God and/or hurt someone else, and I will take steps toward restoring peace and making any necessary restitution. This includes apologizing to the offended party and to anyone else affected by my poor example, paying for damages, attempting to repair someone's reputation if I have slandered them, etc.
• I will try to discern the root causes and motivations (anger, pride, selfishness, fear, ignorance, laziness, etc.) for what I did so that I can change my behavior in the future. If I am really sorry, I won't want to do it again, and I will be proactive about this.  I will not give up, even if I continue to fail in the same area.
• I will realize that I can't do any of this in my own strength and wisdom, so most of all, and through it all, I will ask God for his gracious help and guidance. I will thank him for forgiving me, not on the basis of my behavior, but on the mercy of Jesus dying on the cross as a sacrifice for my sin.

Did I cover everything there? Probably not! Oh well, at least it's a start! Now to do it that way. That's quite another story, for sure.

When I think of repentance like this, I don't see a morbid preoccupation with failure or shame. I see a very good thing, a healing thing, a positive thing that brings about lasting change, a beautiful ripple effect. If everyone took repentance so seriously, wouldn't the world be a better place for all of us?

By the way, I think I have a little apologizing to do myself now!  Jesse, I'm sorry for jumping on your case so quickly without thinking more deeply about what you were trying to communicate!  I was wrong and I'll do better next time!  Really, truly! :-)

OK, to my non-religious friends who have been kind enough to stick with me this long, thanks! I know that repentance might be a theological word that's not part of your daily  vocabulary, and that all this talk about God could make you squirm. I can relate. In fact, in my younger years, I was actually quite hostile to pushy Christians who rattled on about sin and judgment. You might like to read my 2008 essay, "Lord, Have Mercy!"  in which I tell my story of finding grace -- in spite of myself.

Thanks for reading! Please hit the comment button and let me know what you think!

In grace,

Virginia Knowles

Joyful Liberty!

Dear friends,

I shared this testimony in the first part of my presentation "Amazing Grace for Home School Moms."  This is an excerpt of my speaking notes, but I added to it when I actually spoke.

~*~*~

About four years ago, through a series of circumstances, I really felt like God was clearly telling me it was time to turn around and face the past so that I could change my future. I could think of several areas of life where he might want to be working on me, but I was waiting to see what he was going to bring before me because I knew it wasn't my place to go digging around. There were several times over the course of the summer when he brought certain things to mind through providential conversations, books, and church meetings. Sometimes this was really uncomfortable for me.


Then early on a summer morning, I was lying in bed contemplating my spiritual life and the Lord graciously gave me a vision in the shape of a heart. In this heart there were layers and layers of debris that had been gathering there for  decades past, rising up to a crusted layer on top. I saw myself walking on the surface of this hard crust, just surviving daily life and not experiencing the fullness of what God had planned for me. Then I saw springs of living water flowing up powerfully from the very depths to wash away the debris, break through that crust, and bring me authentic joy and abundant life, the fullness of what he had for me!  I knew this vision came as a gracious gift from God. I worshiped him for his mercy in spite my failures which I knew were many.


Over the next few years, God used this experience and others like it to knock a lot of self-righteous chips off my shoulders, because I had a whole lot of them. He give me a new compassion for other hurting women, and give me a new depth to my spiritual life.  I got more serious about reading Scriptures, praying, and journaling. 

This is also when I started seeing a new appreciation for the beauty of God and his creation, and for other peoples' reflections of that in their art, music, nature, and literature.  That overflowed into my home schooling as well.  It was also a time for what I call a fresh poetic surge when poems started pouring out of me in celebration of God's grace and goodness!

I was so aware of being kept in God's unconditional mercy to take me as I was, but at the same time, I still wondered how I could change the habits and attitudes that had hindered me for years?  It's wonderful that God takes me as I am, but shouldn't I have changed in some of these areas by now after 30 years as a Christian?  God takes us where we are, but he doesn't want to leave us there.  He wants us to move on and grow up.  

It seemed like many people around me were focused on mortifying their own sins and becoming holy by their own efforts, as well as by constant confession and accountability. For a while, this seemed like a humble and pious approach and I embraced it. However, over the years, I realized that it was way too easy to forget God's grace in this approach. The more I tried, the more I felt neurotic, depressed, anxious, and frustrated. I knew this was not honoring to God.

Last year, in his mercy, God opened my eyes to assure me that instead of being a filthy and depraved little worm with a deceitfully wicked heart, that I was now a new creation in Christ, a precious saint in his sight, covered in the righteousness of Jesus by his sacrifice! I needed to rest and rejoice in this glorious truth, that God was going to change me, not by my own self effort, but through his grace!

I started seeing how much I had succumbed to legalism. I think there are actually two kinds of legalism. One is made up of picky outward man-made rules to prove that you are in the "in crowd" spiritually.  I almost think this is the more harmless kind. The other kind is an inward legalism. It says, "I am going to be good no matter what!  I am going to hack those sins right out of me no matter what it takes!" It is an attempt to make yourself holy and remove your sin by your own efforts. It leads to self-righteousness and wanting to give up.

Both types of legalism are unfortunately rampant in the home schooling movement, in my opinion. Many times we do what we do because we want to raise kids with perfect godly character. We rely on our methods, our rules, and our curriculum to do this, rather than on the Spirit of God working in their hearts.  Unfortunately, if and when they don't toe the line, there's a lot of stuff to deal with!




Galatians 3:2-3 speaks clearly to this kind of legalism when it says, "Let me ask you only this: Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?"


In learning to overcome this inward kind of legalism, I had to study the gospels.  I've been studying all four gospels concurrently over the past several months, working through them to find out: "Who is Jesus and how can I be like him?"  I want to find my true identity in Christ as a SAINT SET FREE from the power of sin, walking in the power of the Holy Spirit, willingly responding to what God was doing in my life rather than trying to hack out my failures by myself.


John 8:36 proclaims, "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." Why would we ever want to be in bondage again? Such joy and liberty comes from the amazing grace of God!  

There have been many areas of my life where I have struggled for years and felt like I couldn't change, but when I began to focus on my identity in Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit to change me, that is when I began to change the habits, the atttitudes, the patterns of thought.  The transformation came when I realized who I was in Christ rather than focusing on how much sin I had to get rid of it. 

Yes, there will be times when you stumble and fail. My encouragement to you is to get back up, ask God for help, and keep going. When I am discouraged or feeling blue or going through a monster case of PMS, I remind myself that the feelings will pass. It helps to get a nap or a good night's sleep, read an encouraging book, talk to my husband or a trusted friend.

Another benefit of being confident of God's love and acceptance, is that you become an authentic woman, not pretending or performing for others. As a home school mom, you don't need to impress others with your family's accomplishments and you don't need to criticize others to make yourself feel better.  I am delighted that my acceptance and approval are in God, not in other people. I don't need to crave approval from others, and I don't need to fear their disapproval.



Proverbs 29:25 says, "The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe." I found this to be true again last year. I needed to write an e-mail to my friends about an issue I had prayed about and that I knew had to be addressed. However, right after I hit the send button, I suddenly had a panic attack.  I had never had one before.  It was so weird! My heart was pounding. I tried reading aloud to my kids, but I couldn't even breathe normally. This went on for a few hours. Why? I was subconsciously afraid of how people would react to what I had written. Then I thought, I don't need to do this!  I am a Christian, I wrote what I needed to write, I prayed about it, and in confidence I can do the things I need to do! Once I realized that, I determined never to let that happen again. I took courage in God's grace and trusted him to use that e-mail for his glory -- and he did!  People have told me how much it meant to them.



If you are doing what God has called you to do, you don't need to fear anyone!  This precious truth has given me the liberty and boldness to speak up and speak out on other issues since then. People have told me how much they have appreciated my voice and my perspective. I am so glad that I am no longer captive to fear of others!

We can also be captive to our own fear of failure. What if we mess up in home schooling? What if my children are ruined forever because I used the wrong curriculum? What will people think? If you get stuck in this mindset, you will be paralyzed! You will be too afraid to do anything!


This holds true for our kids, too. If we are constantly demanding perfection or ridiculing them for their mistakes, they will be reluctant to try anything difficult. They will stick with the safe and easy stuff, rather than challenging themselves to stretch their abilities. This totally quenches the love of learning.  You'll get a dumbed down kid.


Instead, you need a holy confidence from God! He is quite capable of working in and through you in spite of your weaknesses! Your weaknesses showcase his power even more splendidly! I want to encourage you to focus on the good things -- the great things God has created you to be and called you to do. If you do that, you'll be too busy to spend much time messing up!


So get your joy and enthusiasm back! Your purpose in life is not so much to avoid sin and mistakes but to reflect the glory of God by trusting in him, by going out and living the Grand Adventure.

Romans 15:13 is such an inspiration to me when it says, "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Likewise, our motivation in deciding to home school our kids should not be in what we are trying to avoid, but what we are trying to nurture in their lives: a love for God, a love for family, a love of learning. This completely changes the focus of how we do it as the years go along, too. Home schooling becomes joyful journey rather than a dreary duty.  There is a fullness in it.


Jesus said in John 10:10, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly."  The devil wants to steal your joy, your peace, your love.   Are you going to let him do that? How can we keep the devil from stealing our joy? How can we become full of abundant life?


In John 15:4-5 he continues, "Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."

If Jesus's life is flowing through you, that's going to bring you the joy, peace, and love.  So you don't need to be a "driven" home school mom.  I'm not talking about being "type A" personality, but about having the mindset of "Just got to DO it, no matter what we squash in the process, we've just got to get this done to prove it, no matter how well we get it done!"
You can't make your kids holy either. You must rely on God, and rest and work in his grace.


Matthew 11:28-30 invites us: "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

If home schooling has become burdensome to you, you're probably taking on too much.  It's not that you need to do less, but that you need to transfer your burden to Jesus.

So we can pray with Quaker poet John Greenleaf Whittier from his hymn "Dear God and Father of Mankind":

Drop Thy still dews of quietness

Till all our strivings cease;

Take from our lives the strain and stress

And let our ordered lives confess

The beauty of Thy peace.

Blessings,

Virginia Knowles

You can hear the full "Amazing Grace for Home School Moms" presentation here: http://comewearymoms.blogspot.com/2010/03/amazing-grace-for-home-school-moms.html and read part of my other speaking notes here: http://comewearymoms.blogspot.com/2010/03/tender-compassion-for-mothers.html

Tender Compassion for Mothers

Tenderness is a special character quality for mothers, but it comes from God. He leads us with gentleness so that we can lead our children with gentleness.


Isaiah 40:11 says, "He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young."

1 Thessalonians 2:7-8 also talks about the gentleness of motherhood when is says, "As apostles of Christ we could have been a burden to you, but we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children. We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us."

And so our children become dear to us, and we are delighted to share our own lives with them -- but only as we are filled with God's tender compassion for us. As we live in the lavish love of God, we can learn to listen and respond to our children, rather than react at them. We don't need to be tyrannical dictators anymore. We don't need to feel like we must dominate our children, to use our own self-effort to make them holy, as if we expect a bunch of outward rules to change their inward hearts. Josh McDowell once said, "Rules without relationships reap rebellion." We've all seen the tragic results of teens and young adults who have walked away from their family and their faith because life was all about legalistic rules, without any warmth or grace.


GRACE! Our own grace toward them will lovingly point them to Jesus, the source of God's grace. On the other hand, our bitterness will only drive them away from God. We need to let go of the bitterness and anger of daily irritation or unmet expectations of how mature your children should be by now. Hebrews 12:15 says "See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled."   Many people think that our children will only be defiled by the TV, by bad friends, or by the Internet, and yet one of the worst ways they can be defiled is by bitterness in the family!  This will alienate them from you and your values faster than anything.  Anger just doesn't work.  As James 1:19-20 exhorts us: "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God."  Proverbs 15:1 reminds us that "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."


The issue of child discipline can be rather tricky at times. Yes, we must deal firmly and directly with issues, rather than being in denial. However, we must do this with right motives and with self-control. We don't need to shame or guilt-trip our kids into doing what is right, but teach them a better way. 1 Corinthians 4:14 sets the standard for parenting when Paul says, “I do not write these things to shame you, but to admonish you as my beloved children.”

So instead of coming against our kids to inflict vengeance on them when they disappoint us, we come alongside to restore them with grace and to gently teach them the right way to live. So we can say, "I care so much about you that I want to see you succeed in life. This kind of behavior is going to bring you down, so I want to do whatever I can to help you choose better in the future. Now let's talk about it…"

We can choose to speak sweetly from the heart, with deep and tender affection. Tell your children often how much you love being their mother. Give them hugs, kisses, pats on the back -- even if they seem to resist it. Cheerfulness should start early in the day with a hearty "GOOD MORNING!" because "This is the day that the Lord has made -- let us rejoice and be glad in it!" You don't need to be morose or uptight! Enjoy your day! Be energized with a smile!


We can begin to affirm in our children the ways we see that God has gifted them and how they are growing up. We can notice and praise little acts of kindness or signs of progress. We can celebrate their accomplishments, whether it is learning to read a few words, or making the baseball team, or playing in a piano recital, or finishing a project. Whatever it is, celebrate it!

There is so much power in our words and small gestures. Do you really really REALLY want to get through to your kids? Then don't yell at them! Speak sweetly to them! Proverbs 16:21, 24 reminds us that "The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction… Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."

This is just part of the "Tender Compassion" segment of  the Amazing Grace for Home School Moms presentation I did in Gainesville, Florida on March 11.  Be sure to listen to the whole presentation!

You might also like to read something I posted last year on my main blog: The Greatest of These Is Love.

Amazing Grace for Home School Moms

Dear friends,


On March 11, I had the wonderful opportunity to travel to Gainesville, Florida, to speak to the home school group led by my friend Mardy Freeman. Mardy had asked me to share a fresh testimony of what God had been doing in my life, so my topic for the evening was "Amazing Grace for Home School Moms." I spoke for a little over an hour about Joyful Liberty, Tender Compassion, and Wise Guidance, and ended with a Questions time. For your convenience, I have split the audio into these four sections.


I have to say that much of the growth in my life as a home school mom has come because of Mardy's perspective and encouragement over the past few years. I wish she had been there Thursday night (she was out of town), because I am so thankful for her, and for others who have spoken words of wisdom and grace to me. I did, however, get to see my dear friend Bonnie Carmichael, who moved to Gainesville about 11 years ago. Bonnie has been so kind to send me sweet e-mails through the years. You'll hear her insight in the Questions section.


Enjoy!

~*~*~

"Joyful Liberty" is 20 minutes long. How do we get set free from failure, fear, and frustration so we can live with joy, confidence, and enthusiasm?

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

~*~*~

"Tender Compassion" is almost 20 minutes long. How do we learn to thoroughly enjoy our children and come alongside them for positive change -- instead of being angry, bitter, and frustrated with them? How can we communicate with them effectively?

"As apostles of Christ we could have been a burden to you, but we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children. We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us." 1 Thessalonians 2:7-8

~*~*~

"Wise Guidance" is almost 20 minutes long. How do we discern what to do in our home school? How do we set an example for our children in seeking wisdom? This segment also includes a brief description of the Charlotte Mason method of home schooling.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him." James 1:5

"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God." Philippians 1:9-11

~*~*~

"Comments and Questions" is about 7 minutes long. This includes my answer to the classic question, "What do I do with my two year old?"

I would love to hear your feedback on these audios. You can click here to comment or e-mail me at virginiaknowles@gmail.com

You may also like to see some links I posted about mentoring and mothering, including 3 podcasts of an interview Karen Campbell did with me.  You can find them here: Titus 2 Mentoring Podcast and Links.
Amazing grace to you!

Virginia Knowles

Adding Your Voices About Child Abuse

If you haven't read my article, "Child Discipline or Child Abuse?" yet, you may want to read it first! It's just below this one on the blog. This post here is a compilation of excerpts from just some of the responses I received in my inbox since I originally published it two days ago. I'm putting them here because these ladies bring up some great food for thought, as well as ideas on how to reach out to others.

First though, some link backs to two home school authors who have been kind enough to link to my article and add their voice to the cause:

Rob Shearer, noted home school author and publisher:
http://redhatrob.com/2010/02/tragedy-in-a-homeschooling-family/

Karen Ehman, author of many books and popular Proverbs 31 conference speaker:
http://karenehman.com/home/2010/02/23/box-bashing/

~~~

I wanted to let you know that I appreciate that you addressed this issue of child abuse. I also want to encourage you to continue encouraging others to actually get involved in the lives of those around them. We all know when something just doesn't seem right and kids just are not happy. When we see these that something is wrong, we have to purpose to make friendships so we can have a position of influence. We need to enlist others to befriend and encourage good works and develop parenting skills. It is okay to build a visiting schedule quietly with a few devoted families to discern and give direction. With God's help you can change the direction and perhaps hear one day that those times you came made "all the difference."

~~~

I appreciate you sharing this. It is horribly tragic, and the sad thing is that for those of us wanting to home school and appropriately discipline our children it is so hard. We don't want to shy away from the true God-given authority we have nor the appropriate discipline that is required in parenting. Yet I know I tend to shirk away and want to withdraw when I hear a story like this. I appreciate you sharing the voice of corrective balance to remember where appropriate and inappropriate differ. Knowing the extremes to which you are pushed as a parent in your own capacity, I realize that I (seemingly a sane and loving parent) have capacity to go beyond healthy and into inappropriate expressions of anger or frustration that could become directed at my child. I imagine many of these parents start out with good intentions, but their own woundedness and brokenness, misdirection, etc, can lead to inappropriate behavior that gets into abusive category. I appreciate you sharing this with your readers, and challenging them (us) to consider whether we have crossed certain lines. I don't think it's as far out of the average person's ability to go over the limit when we are pushed by the stresses of our day, being isolated from our community, and being guided by our own anger out of control. I also think it's very hard because this is such a bad witness to Christian parenting and home schooling. It's a slap in the face to all the parents who have done such an outstanding job with their efforts, and have loved their children and loved the Lord and followed His lead. No parent is perfect, but the sad thing is what a bad rap home schooling is getting anymore, and this just is another example that critics will point to. I want to have the balance of discipline which the world does NOT offer appropriately in their schools, nor do I want my children exposed to abusive behavior. I want to find the Godly path of leading them, but this can be scary. I am appreciative that there are so many good resources for parents who want to choose healthy Christian parenting, with healthy godly discipline, and I hope we can all continue to encourage each other and also keep each other accountable in this important area of balance. Thank God for his grace and mercy for us, and the grace of our children.

~~~

Your email was galvanizing for me. It crystallized many thoughts and feelings I have been having about the use and abuse of authority in the Christian home school movement - vs the authority the Holy Spirit wants to have in our lives. Kids are people too! I was particularly devastated by the destruction of a family...one whose goals may have been so similar to ours..filled with books - like Frog and Toad books - that my children have loved.... The law - the religious spirit - is insidious. No wonder Jesus went on about it. There is nothing we can do to earn God's favor - not even being perfect disciplinarians will do it. Thank God.

~~~

The bummer is that they are a home school family and now we run the chance that all home school families will be labeled as such. And may I add that “deeply religious” really has nothing to do with true Christianity for one can be deeply religious about anything. Someone truly deeply into Christianity would NEVER even think of hurting anyone else in the name of Jesus. Bad things happen even to those that love Jesus but we should never justify it with religion. Guess I am ranting too…

~~~

Thank you for this info. This is important and it appears God has allowed it on your 'grace plate' to take the time to research and communicate to others. I pray it goes to the right in boxes and bears much fruit.

~~~

I think that we parents of older children who still have younger ones learn that less is more. I wish I could go back and relax a little in the way I schooled and disciplined my older ones, but it was never anything near this. How these people can close their eyes and pray or sleep I do not know! God will surely judge them, but until then I agree that we need to be as out spoken on the "DON'TS" of discipline, especially in the homeschooling community! I join you in prayer and work to try and keep this from happening again.

~~~

It’s interesting. My 12 y-old daughter came into me this morning as she was woken from a sad dream she had of a little girl she tried to rescue but was unable to, from her abusive parents. We discussed the responsibility God places on parents to be their child’s protector. A small helpless child most often has ONLY their parent/guardian to keep him/her safe. How said it is when the only person appointed to be that child’s protector is the one that does him/her harm. We had ourselves a time of grieving for all the children who are so betrayed by their parents. I reminded her that the Bible warns about God’s fierce wrath toward those who harm little ones. Defenseless ones… even aborted ones. Why does God put up with our depravity? And how much longer with He continue to have mercy on us? But, let us NEVER waiver in speaking out against what God hates…Let us never fail to warn others of God’s wrath, and that its ONLY because of His unmatched mercy that any of us are breathing! Thank you Virginia for doing just this. And I among many stand with you…CONTINUE TO SPEAK TRUTH IN LOVE!

~~~~

I hear what you are saying loudly and clearly. My husband and I are in the midst of and working through many fallouts of the early homeschooling parenting techniques that have been just as abusive if not more so than the physical - the control and manipulation used by parents - the worst being the use of God, Scripture, and religion to beat children into submission. I have been reading several blogs and am blown away by what I read. An incredible blog I read is called http://www.quiveringdaughters.com/. The author is the eldest in a large fundamental family. She is completing a book out by this spring. You will be very intrigued by her writing! We have worked with more couples and young people than we ever imagined, who find themselves in abusive situations. My thinking has been challenged and I feel like a different person as I study the Word and allow God to take me into the lives of these precious people who are being controlled and manipulated by those who were supposed to love them the most! Thanks for the words.

~~~

Thank you for taking the time to inform on this and for taking a solid stand. You are so right, abuse can never be tolerated. Abuse in the name of Christ is so very wrong.

~~~

I couldn't agree with you more! Thanks for sharing your feelings. It seems like people stay silent on the issues of child abuse and homeschooling, and it has bothered me for years.

~~~

I’ve graduated my last homeschooled student/kid two years ago, but my heart remains in the home school community and I mentor several younger women. I can’t tell you how many times I received calls from home school moms who want to know what to do about situations like the ones you’ve described. They suspect something is “just not right.” Either in neglect, NON-homeschooling, father/daughter relationships, or promiscuity, or even in inappropriate dress of fellow students in the home school co-ops. I encourage them to pray for those they are concerned about and go to them directly as the Bible instructs us to do to share their concerns, then to their elders. Over and over again the response is similar. When information is brought to the attention of the parent the response is denial, or preference to keep their heads in the sand and not look at the tough issues, to hostility and accusations of “witch hunts.” It’s painful to not see transparency and humility in the approach to lovingly bring something to the attention of another believer and have this response. I do think this is a serious issue with homeschooling parents as they attempt to guide and instruct, yet self-righteousness begins to cover over-bearing control to produce perfect kids. Thank you for tackling this tough issue, and I want to encourage you to continue. I’ll pray for you and your family and those homes your newsletter reach; but above all that the gospel will become more and more meaningful in our hearts and lives. God bless you sister.

Child Discipline or Child Abuse?

Update on August 16, 2011 at end! 


Dear friends,

Please permit me a rant. You need to read this.

On February 6, seven year old Lydia Schatz, adopted from Liberia, was murdered. Her 11 year old sister Zariah is in critical condition with severe kidney damage. Who did it? Their deeply religious (I can’t bring myself to say Christian) home schooling parents, who were attempting to “discipline” them. The “offense” of the murdered child was that she mispronounced a word during her home school lesson. She was beaten for hours with a plumbing supply line. Another brother has been found with significant bruising. Read the news story.

I am heartsick. I've been tracking news stories in the home school community for years, and these deaths are not the only ones. (This hits a little close to home for me. A few years back, I was shocked to hear that another home schooling mom named Kimberly Forder, who had written an article about international adoption for the Hope Chest -- ouch! -- was convicted of murder in the abuse death of her son Christopher.) Many horrible abuses that don’t happen to result in death are never even reported. Much of this is the result of very misguided or overwhelmed parents trying to implement “Biblical” discipline in their homes. THIS IS NOT BIBLICAL DISCIPLINE AND IT MUST STOP! As compassionate Christians and as a home schooling community, we must have ZERO tolerance for abusive parenting. If we seriously want to preserve the abundant liberties we enjoy as home schooling families, we're going to have to make sure that our movement is not characterized by such aberrant behavior. We need to start speaking out and educating one another about healthy family dynamics and child discipline.


I am not railing against reasonable corporal discipline, nor should we overreact to an occasional minor accidental injury related to this, but we do need to take a stand when we see any of these warning signs:

• Parental action which results in bruising, bleeding, welts, burns, fractures, dislocations, or other injuries (I don't consider very temporary minor reddening of the skin to be a concern)
• Parents who neglect to seek appropriate medical care for an injury out of fear of being accused of abuse
• Parents who withhold proper food, sleep, hygiene, or emotional nurture from the child as a form of punishment
• Parents who force their children to have unnatural contact with urine, feces, or other unhygienic situations
• Parents who lock their children up in a room for extended periods of time (I'm not talking about reasonable "time out")
• Parents who are “out of control” in their anger, and who are more interested in punishment and retribution than in sincerely and compassionately training their child
• Parents who routinely resort to extended yelling, shaming, ridiculing, harsh accusation, and other forms of verbal abuse -- which can be (but not necessarily) a signal of physical abuse
• Parents who publicly advocate using discipline methods which seem abusive or excessively harsh, even if they are taught as being “biblical” or “godly”
• Children who are cowering in fear from their parents, or who are unusually withdrawn, depressed, or aggressive

This may be you! If so, stop now and get help! Your child’s safety and emotional well-being is far more important than your reputation. Do we want to train our children that it’s OK for Mom and Dad to be violent bullies in the name of Jesus? How can we ever teach them self-control if we aren’t setting the example? Things can get better! Things MUST get better! Perhaps it is your husband who is doing this. You may think that it would be unsubmissive to intervene in a “discipline” situation because your husband is supposed to be the spiritual leader of the home, or because if you were being a "better mom" your kids wouldn't behave badly enough for him to get that upset. Sorry ladies, but these excuses just don't fly. In Acts 5, Sapphira was punished just as harshly as her husband Ananias because she went along with his deceit and tried to cover for him. So you don't get off the hook for your responsibilities just because you are "submitting" to your husband. If your husband is out of control to the point of abusing your children, you have the MORAL and LEGAL obligation to do whatever you can to put an end to this behavior. If that means you need to physically restrain your husband and/or take your children to a safe place until he calms down, then do it. If this is a pattern and your children are in continued danger, you NEED to get outside help. Call a trusted friend, your pastor (unless he condones or ignores abusive discipline), a professional counselor, and/or your community’s family crisis center -- and keep going until you get the REAL help you need.

In addition, husbands should never treat their wives like dirty doormats in the name of “Biblical submission.” You do not need to passively accept physical or verbal abuse. I've heard from some of you who are being subjected to this kind of degradation, even some who have been in danger. This is not right! You are not becoming a “liberal feminist” if you begin to draw healthy boundaries of respectful treatment around yourself. But, remember, everything must be done in love - even when we have to draw safe boundaries. Someone else's poor behavior is never an excuse for ours. This blog post might help: Help for Hurting Marriages.

You may know someone in your neighborhood, your extended family, your church, or your home school support group who is abusing their children or spouse. Don’t turn a blind eye. Do your best to discretely find out what is going on in the family by talking to the children and to the parents. This is compassionate intervention, not gossip. Offer support. Encourage them to get help. If they refuse to do this, and the situation is serious and continuing, you will need to call in outside intervention. (Be VERY careful about making accusations public, though, because it may not be abuse at all, and an unnecessary visit from the police or social worker can be quite traumatic for a child. Be sure of your facts before you call.)

While we are on the topic of inappropriate parenting, I’d like to say a few things about over-authoritarian control in the Christian home schooling movement. I know most of us are taking the time and money and effort at this because we want our kids to turn out to be fine, upstanding, godly young adults. We don’t want them to make the same mistakes we did. We want to keep them out of trouble, out of harm’s way. We don’t want them to “fall into sin.” Fair enough! But I think we need to take a SERIOUS look at how we view this and how we try to implement this in our homes. (This is something I am reevaluating, too, so I'm preaching to myself.) I think some among us have become control freaks with our kids. We need to realize that we aren’t God, we don’t own our children, and we don’t need to dictate every last little detail of their lives or isolate them from all outside influences, especially as they move into the teen years. We don’t need to use ridicule or guilt-trips to get them to behave according to our expectations. Yes, we need to teach them as best we can, be wise "gatekeepers" over the influences in our homes, and certainly set a wholesome example -- but most of all we need to pray for them and trust God, who loves them so much more than we ever could. We need to listen to our kids and not try to shut them down whenever they express disagreements. They should have the freedom to share whatever is on their hearts (hopefully in a respectful manner!) without fear that we will react in shock, disapproval or rejection. We need to seek to inspire our children into such a warm relationship with their Heavenly Father that they will increasingly learn for themselves how to hear and follow his voice. Home schooling should not be the means to unduly limit our children’s options in life, but to launch them into the Grand Adventure (risks and all!) which our loving Lord has planned for them!


I hope to write more about these topics sometime soon, but for now, these links will provide some food for thought…

• “Christian Families on the Edge: Authoritarianism and Isolationism Among Us” by Rachel D. Ramer for the Christian Research Institute
• Heartbroken. Angry. Again. (this blog post by TulipGirl includes lots of links for further research)
• When Parenting Kills – What Can We Do?

And, if you didn’t click on it earlier in my letter… News story on the Schatz family

I'ver received a lot of responses in my e-mail inbox since I published this on February 17.  I have compiled excerpts from several of them, including ones with additional ways to reach out to hurting families: Adding Your Voices About Child Abuse

Update: On March 11, I had the opportunity to speak for a home school group in Gainesville, Florida. Some of my comments touched on positive child training. You can listen to the audio message: Amazing Grace for Home School Moms.

For grace and mercy - and justice!

Virginia Knowles

P.S. In the past few weeks this blog has received well over 2000 visitors linked from other sites. (It usually gets one or two per day!) I didn't realize until at least a week after I posted it that I didn't have the comment function turned on - I was beginning to wonder why folks weren't leaving any! So now it's on and you are welcome to share your thoughts! Please just remember to be civil and discrete.



Update on August 16, 2011:  Anderson Cooper is doing a CNN news report on this case tonight, and the clip is on-line.  You can watch it here: Girl Spanked to Death in the Name of God.   Michael and Debi Pearl are interviewed in this video.  They seem so calm and self-composed here, but this is what I wrote in an e-mail to my subscribers after my original blog post: "When I originally wrote my article, I mentioned Michael and Debi Pearl because their books on child training (To Train Up a Child and No Greater Joy) have been implicated in the abuse deaths of Lydia Schatz and Sean Paddock.   I received a few vocal protests about that, so I removed that paragraph when I posted it on my blog, not wanting it to be a distraction from my main point that parents must not let child discipline turn into child abuse.  However, I was absolutely shocked today to read Michael Pearl's own blog post in which he has the audacity to very mockingly laugh at his critics without mentioning the murder of Lydia Schatz, expressing any grief that her death has been linked to his methods, or even cautioning his readers not to overdo his own methods.  Instead, he brags about how children trained by his methods are going to take over the world.  This is unconscionable and sickening!"

Stop, Drop and Roll! (How to Deal with a Conflict!)

Dear friends,

I'm about to start teaching the Young Peacemaker curriculum in my home school co-op English class.   Meanwhile, here is something I came up with several years ago to teach my own kids.  It's just as good for moms! (This is an excerpt from my book The Real Life Home School Mom, which is available for free download in the sidebar of my main blog, http://www.virginiaknowles.blogspot.com/.)



~*~*~

Here is another idea for moms who are trying to be peacemakers: Stop, Drop and Roll. Given the sheer size of my family, there is a high probability that someone will be involved in an unpleasant confrontational conversation (argument) in a given day. A mom needs a way to deal with all this and not get overloaded. Here's a quick explanation of something that helps me keep my sanity when conflicts arise. I developed this concept from the standard "what to do when you clothes catch on fire" Stop-Drop-and-Roll instructions. Think of a conflict as a fire that is about to burn you up. If you thrash around wildly or run away, the oxygen is going to feed the flames. You've got to stop, drop and roll.





STOP: When you find your temper flaring, your jaw clenched, your muscles tense, STOP! Don't yell, nag, threaten, accuse, slam doors or otherwise lose it. You've seen the red warning flag, so STOP! "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires." (James 1:19, NIV)


DROP: You've got resentment, bitterness, frustration roiling around inside. It's a burden, and a heavy one at that. You're going to have to lay it down eventually -- why not RIGHT NOW? Drop your burden at the feet of Jesus. "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7, NIV) You don't have to carry it one minute longer. Forgive!


ROLL: Get on with it. If there is a solution to your conflict, work it out calmly, paying special attention to preventing a recurrence of the same problem in the future. After that, go about your business and don't let the whole thing stop you in your tracks or cause you to stew. You've got a life to live! "Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:13-14, ESV)


When I remember to Stop, Drop and Roll, it helps me solve problems much more effectively and efficiently. I also don't carry around frustration quite as long, which makes me more productive the rest of the day.