Showing posts with label Web Links. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Web Links. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

Domestic Violence: What to Know and What to Do


Dear friends!

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month! Tomorrow evening, I am speaking at a small church (in a home) about how Christians can respond to domestic violence victims. To help prepare for that, I decided to update this list of my own blog posts on the topic (the blue and gray links), as well as other related web links (the brown links). 

 I hope that this post will give you resources and courage to help yourself or someone else find safety and sanity. Please know that my heart and prayers are with you. I would be delighted to hear from you, so feel free to e-mail me.

If you are using a computer that others also use, and you need to visit web pages discretely for safety's sake, please stop for a moment consider whether you can proceed without undue risk. You may try using an incognito browser, but if somebody has placed keystroke tracking software on your computer, you are still at risk. Consider going to a friend's house or a public library to use a different computer.


On this page you will find links to articles on my own blogs and other sites, phone numbers, books, and Central Florida domestic violence centers. Please note that I do not endorse everything at these sites or by these organizations. I trust that you will use your own discretion. Also please note that many of the links within the blog posts may be obsolete, but the ones on this page should work.

 Please realize that though I am using the phrase "domestic violence" in the blog post title, there are many more forms of domestic abuse beyond physical violence. These include coercion & threats, intimidation, emotional abuse (which includes spiritual abuse), isolation, minimizing / denying / blaming, using children, male privilege, and economic abuse.






It is also important to note that even if a situation seems calm at a given moment, there may still be a continuing "cycle of violence." It's not the abuse stops, but that the outward forms of it go dormant for a while. It is still an abusive relationship that can escalate at any time.




The sections in this blog post:

  • Phone Numbers
  • Domestic Abuse in Christian Marriages
  • Domestic Violence Basics
  • Practical Help & Safety Planning
  • Counseling & the Psychology of Abuse
  • How Christians & Churches Can Help Abuse Victims, Promote Mutual Respect, and Empower Women
  • Dating Violence
  • Domestic Violence and Children
  • Central Florida Resources
Phone Numbers
  • National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800)799-7233
  • USA Domestic Abuse Hotline: (800)999-SAFE
Domestic Abuse in Christian Marriages
Counseling & the Psychology of Abuse
How Christians & Churches Can 
Help Abuse Victims,
Promote Mutual Respect,
and Empower Women
Central Florida Resources 

  • Safe House of Seminole: A confidential shelter for victims of domestic violence and their children, includes counseling, practical support, legal help, etc. 
  • Harbor House (Orange County): Shelter for victims of domestic violence, includes counseling, practical support, legal help, etc. 
  • Elizabeth House: Faith-based transitional home in Seminole County where victims and their children can stay for several months and receive supportive services.
  • Kids House of Seminole Children's Advocacy Center: Help for families dealing with child abuse; friendly, non-threatening atmosphere; includes counseling, support, information on resources, referrals for substance abuse treatment, etc.
  • Heart of Florida United Way 211: Extensive database of human services available in central Florida, such as financial assistance, shelters, counseling, etc. You can also dial 211 to get this information and a listening ear over the phone. (Note: I am an employee in the 211 call center.)
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Friday, September 18, 2015

War Room: Hope or Hype?


Dear friends,

 So the War Room movie hit #1 status in the box offices, and that's pretty amazing for an overtly Christian film. Immediately, my Facebook feed filled with glowing endorsements from my friends. "This movie is awesome! You must go see it!"

 But I haven't. Maybe I'll rent it from Redbox when it comes out on DVD. Or not.

 Not seeing it yet hasn't stopped me from posting reviews on Facebook, all of them less than favorable for various reasons.

 Some ask why I bother if I haven't seen the movie. They question whether I have the right to an opinion since I obviously don't know what I'm talking about. This amuses me.

 Others are upset that I post links to articles that supposedly bash Christian efforts at making wholesome films. They diss and dismiss the very valid theological and relational concerns that the reviewers bring up. Critique against a Christian ministry or movie is seen as tantamount to the work of the devil, bordering on heresy, maybe? (Why does this remind me so much of the Duggar fiasco?) This does not amuse me.

 Hello folks. We are big people. (I think.) We can hash through big ideas, even controversial ones. (I hope.) If you appreciate the movie, fine. I know it has encouraged many and that there are a lot of positive aspects. But at least acknowledge where others are coming from. At least be sensitive to why this movie might trigger fresh trauma in someone who has suffered deeply even in the midst of prayer.

 I think what I have read about the movie has been corroborated enough to warrant a thoughtful discussion of the positive and negative aspects. Here are most of the reviews I linked along with a few extras I just found.

[Disclaimer: I offer this to read at your discretion. I do not endorse everything in these articles or the blogs on which they appear.]

 War Room: Pretty Little Lies by Kay Bruner, a professional Christian counselor

Why I Refuse to See War Room at A New Free Life: Rising from the Ashes of Domestic Violence

 Genie Jesus and the War Room Problem by John Mark N. Reynolds

 War Room review at ScreenIt

 The War Room Review: Shut Up and Pray He Quits by Jordan Hoffman at the Guardian

 The "Faith" of Faith-Based Films: On Moralistic Therapeutic Deism in Christian Movies by Joel Mayward

 Movie Review: The War Room by Jessica B. Fry 

 Here is my bottom line after reading these reviews, keeping in mind that as I have repeated over and over, I have not seen the movie! 

 Prayer is not the cosmic vending machine to get you what you want. Prayer is a relationship, not a formula. He is not duty bound to give us what we want, and we might never understand why this side of heaven. The life of prayer is a marathon, not a sprint. 

 Like our relationship with God, human relationships take a whole lot of work. Difficult and dysfunctional marriages take even more work. And time, lots of it. And professional intervention by people who don't spout trite platitudes. And there is still no guarantee that they will be fixed. An offending spouse can change their tune and act like they have reformed for a while to get what they want, and then go right back to pig slop behavior. This is sheer manipulation and hypocrisy, not true repentance. Time and discernment and firm boundaries will prove what is true. It can be a long and messy ordeal. You can't trust mere words, even religious ones. It takes a long time to rebuild trust.

 One more thing: I am well aware that there was no physical abuse in the movie marriage and that the wife had her issues too. However, this must be said: If a marriage is dangerous or destructive, the emphasis has to be on the well-being (safety and sanity) of the victim, not reconciliation or sticking it out in the hopes that prayer will solve all of the problems.  You say this doesn't happen in devoutly religious families that value the Bible and prayer? Oh yes it does! I have spoken with many Christian domestic violence survivors who sincerely asked God what to do about their marriages and clearly heard him say, "Get out now. Run for your life!" Looking back, they realize they and/or their children would be dead if they hadn't. In many cases, their husbands were very religious, some of them pastors and missionaries. But this kind of "run for your life" ending doesn't play well with a triumphant Christian movie plot, does it? Too bad.

 It is misleading and cruel to insinuate that someone with a failing marriage can do a snappy U-Turn to Happily-Ever-After-Land by rebuking Satan and storming the gates of Heaven with fervent intercession. To gloss over the realities of life for the sake of a movie plot or to "put in a good word for God in the middle of a dying world" is a crying shame. It is no credit to God to misconstrue his grace. Christians, let us pray more. But let's also get real about what else we need to do. That's what people are really watching to see if our faith is authentic.

 I can't end this post without a good word from the Lord. Two passages that are on my heart right now:
"He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" Micah 6:8

"Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's; he makes me tread on my high places." Habakkuk 3:17-19

Grace and peace, 
Virginia Knowles

P.S. Here are some related links on my blogs:

Real Life Relationships:

Prayer and Spiritual Growth:





"For Those Who Suffer"

You are love,
and you see all the suffering,
injustice, and misery,
which reign in this world.

Have pity, we implore you,
on the work of your hands.
Look mercifully on the poor,
the oppressed, 
and all who are heavy laden
with error, labour and sorrow.

Fill our hearts with deep compassion 
for those who suffer,
and hasten the coming of 
your kingdom of justice and truth.

Eugène Bersier (1831-1889)


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Friday, September 11, 2015

A Clump of Sadness :: Suicide Prevention Week



This afternoon and evening I have been feeling a bit moody and sad.

 I was (and still am) tired from not choosing the right amount of sleep and balanced nutrition these past few days. I missed my thyroid pill in the morning. I am hormonal and though I'm heading toward menopause, it's not here yet. Enough said on that part.

 It is 9/11. Thinking of that, remembering and reprocessing what happened 14 years ago, yanks at my heartstrings. For me it's not so much about patriotism or even the evil enemy. It is the thought of so much suffering, so much grief, so much wreckage, so much fear.

 I am angry and angsty at what is in the news these days, too. Foreign tragedies and terrors. Refugees. Wars and rumors of wars. Children being abused in churches and families. Patronizing and pious answers. Excuses and lies. I want to shriek. Make it stop!

 I am disappointed with a bunch of things in my own experience. Yes, despite many challenges, my life is manageable, I savor my joys, and I am thankful for so much. Yet I also look around and see those whose life circumstances are so much better than mine. This juxtaposition, this contrast of mine against theirs - well then. Sigh. I had so many ideals and sweet dreams for life that others seem to attain with ease. And I haven't. And it is not likely that I ever will. I can hear in my head someone accusing me of the sin of jealousy. It is not that, at least not much. I am glad for others and I really can enjoy the goodness of the life that I do have. But it is still bittersweet.

 So right now... a clump of sadness sits in my soul.

 I know this of myself. When I grieve for one thing, or two, it all comes rushing in, a least for a little while. When I think of the loss of my sweet mother two years ago, I say, "I'm grieving for my mother." This is true, but not complete. Grief can be like a vacuum that sucks all of life's other losses into the void. Misery loves company. So what starts as one single simple grief becomes a tangled mess, and I may or may not sort out the strands.

 I also know this of myself. I will feel better. Soon. Maybe just after a good night's sleep. (Trust me, I'm about to go there.) You don't need to be alarmed. I am not at risk of hurting anyone. I have an awesome support system. Hugs and affirmations from my family, and even writing this, have made me feel so much better already. So I am not complaining.

 I just want to acknowledge that sadness is a real thing. Depression is a real thing. Unfortunately, for so many people, depression does not lift as easily as my fleeting sadness. No matter how they try to lift their spirits and think happy thoughts and pray faith-filled prayers, it can spiral down down down out of control. This doesn't have to happen. There is help and hope.

 This year, September 6-12 is National Suicide Prevention week. I don't know if your life has been touched by suicide. Mine has. Years ago, a dear Christian friend, who loved and led others from the bottom of her heart, committed suicide. She left a huge hole in a community of hearts. I keenly remember the phone call, the funeral, the questions and regrets. Why was I not more aware? Why couldn't I have done more?

 I cannot intervene for my sweet friend. It is too late.

 Yet I hope that these thoughts can make you more aware of depression, whether it is you or a loved one, an acquaintance or a stranger. Open your eyes and ears, open your heart, and as you are led by love, open your mouth. Your attention, understanding, compassion, and action can help save a life. It may take connecting them with professional counseling or medication. But it can start with a word or an embrace from you.

A music video, an article, another of my essays and a few of my poems to get you started... 


"Beautiful Things" by Gungor



Why Churches Need to Talk about Suicide by Jamie Tworkowski

Melancholy by yours truly

The poems:

Oh, let me just put a whole one right here...

“Your Kindness Gave Me Courage”
by Virginia Knowles

Your kindness gave me courage 
A gentle conversation
A thought-filled gaze
A good deed done 
A warm embrace
A place at your table  
A long letter, short note, silent words
A prayer for wisdom and strength
A gift from the heart.
Surely you did not fully know
(How could you?)
What that would do in me.
Could you sense my soul’s burdens:
The dark and doubt and defeat?

Then, just then, your kindness came as
Light: luminous
Love: lifting and leading me with 
Steady steps toward faith, hope, and joy.

Even though you could not fathom
Its deep reach and widening ripples
I knew then what I know now
And what I live a little more each day.

The very remembrance
Keen and bittersweet
Still fills me with dignity and wonder that
I can see, speak, serve, sing and
Bring light and love to others.

I bless you, my friend, with all my heart.
May the Lord Almighty bless you beyond
Full measure, pouring over the rims, for
Your kindness gives me courage.


If you know of other resources, be so kind as to leave a comment?


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Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Lynn's Story: A Dangerous Engagement (DV Interview #3)


Lynn's Story: A Dangerous Engagement
(Why Did I Stay So Long in a Dysfunctional “Christian” Relationship?)

"Lynn" is not her real name, but this is her real story. Rather than use the same questions as the other participants in my domestic violence series, Lynn is simply sharing what happened, what she learned, and what she would like to share with others who might be in, or know someone in, a similar situation.  Here's Lynn:

~(~(~(~

The week I graduated from high school, I said goodbye to my parents and moved across the country to attend college. My motive in choosing the school was that it was close to a boy I had met on a mission trip. We had already been in a long distance relationship for about a year with long letters, big phone bills, and one visit, so we naturally wanted to take our budding romance to the next level.

However, once I lived near him, our relationship became extremely dysfunctional. I had sensed some warning signs of troublesome issues before I moved, but had thought they would taper off when we could regularly spend time together face to face. I was wrong. They just got exponentially worse. He was struggling with multiple long-term issues that hindered him from carrying on a healthy relationship. He became easily enraged and was often demanding, manipulative, emotionally abusive, and aggressive. He had a difficult time managing his money, and often had to be bailed out. His driving habits were erratic when he was upset or in a hurry. He threatened suicide several times. That was a lot to give me serious pause if I was willing to face the facts. Unfortunately, I wasn't, until it was almost too late.

I stayed with him for many reasons. I was very young: only 16 when our relationship started, and 20 when it ended for good. I was infatuated, insecure and needing "love" at any cost. He was charming and attractive when he wasn't upset. I assumed his level of anger was in normal range (albeit the high end) when it certainly wasn’t. I felt I somehow deserved his rage and ridicule. I thought I had provoked him and tried to do better at meeting his needs. I was too proud to admit that I’d made a mistake moving to be near him. I felt that I could help him overcome his character issues, and that my unconditional commitment to him was a sign of godly Christian love. We attended a charismatic church that was prone to "manipulation by revelation" - and he was pretty proficient at the "I had a vision and God told me..." stuff. I was afraid he would hurt himself if I broke up with him. Finally, I reasoned that at least I knew what I was getting into.

While I certainly wasn’t happy with him all the time, we got engaged. Over the next year and a half, we broke up, got engaged again, broke up again, and got engaged a third time. We set a wedding date and paid a deposit on my wedding dress. However, just a few months after that, I miraculously "saw the light" and broke up with him a third time. I guess you could say I had a vision and God told me... 

 Several things spurred me on to reasonable thinking. One was a friend of his who confronted him in front of me, saying, “You can’t talk to her like that!” A couple in our church raised serious concerns about our relationship and tried to intervene. I also began to learn about some of his more outrageous behavior, like visiting a strip club when I was out of town at a Christian conference. He claimed he was evangelizing the topless dancers and showing them the love of Jesus. (Uh huh...) The light bulb moment came when I realized that no matter how hard I tried to patch up our rough spots and change his worst behaviors, it just wasn't going to fly. The relationship was fundamentally flawed, and I would never be happy or even safe trying to cope with our problems. 

 So one afternoon, empowered by this emerging insight, I drove over to his house and broke the engagement. He became really agitated, but I held my ground that day.  

 However, several weeks after I broke up with him, he pressured me into trying again. We limped along for a couple of months after that. He started coming on strong about leading me spiritually. He claimed that everything would be just fine if I would just submit to him. It was clearly manipulation, and I wanted nothing of it. One day, I called and told him we were totally done. Three weeks later, he was engaged to someone else, and they married two months after that. He has been divorced twice since then.

 I bear absolutely no hard feelings toward him. He’s had a tough life and I wish him the very best for the future. 

My parents later told me if they had known how bad things were, they would have put a stop to it. I do think that open communication between parents and young people is so crucial, and I regret now that I didn't ask for help. I also wish I’d had more education on what healthy relationships look like, and what red flags to avoid. I just sort of naively stumbled into the relationship. It was much harder to stagger out years later, older but wiser.

This all happened before the Internet was widely available. I think that despite its contribution to dating problems, the Internet is still a tremendous advantage in many ways now that I didn't have then. For one thing, you can do a web search on a guy's name and find out all sorts of useful information about what he is really like. This is not fool-proof though, because some people guard their cyber-trails pretty closely. The other good thing about the Internet is that there is a lot of information posted about the warning signs of dysfunctional relationships, and how to get help. I’m hoping that sharing my own story can be a part of that.  Maybe you know a young woman who is in a dangerous dating relationship. Maybe a calm conversation, continued interaction, and access to resources will start her journey to safety and healing. Or maybe you can go one better and have preventive conversations before she even starts dating. I know the people who tried to intervene in my relationship probably thought their words were falling on deaf ears, but they did ultimately make a difference. It all added up. Maybe you can make that difference for someone else.  
~(~(~(~

Thank you so much for telling your personal story, Lynn! 

 I will follow up later with a broader article on what dysfunctional or dangerous dating relationships look like, and how they can be safely exited, or better yet, prevented. If you have any advice or favorite resources, please send them along!

Meanwhile, here are several links to equip you in helping someone (maybe yourself) who is in a dysfunctional or dangerous dating relationship.



Here are the links to the other interviews in this series.

In addition, I have created a Domestic Violence Resources page which not only has my article links from above, but also links to other sites, books, Central Florida centers, etc.  You can find this page here: Domestic Violence Resources

 With grace,
Virginia Knowles
www.WatchTheShepherd.blogspot.com

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Monday, April 21, 2014

On Patriarchy, Scandal, Abuse... and Grace

My 10 children and two not-picture-happy grandsons
(and two more grandsons yet to be born)
in an impromptu family photo on Easter 2014
Dear friends,

My heart is very weary these days reading stories about scandal in churches, religious organizations, and families. So much going on, and nothing really surprises me anymore. For years, I have been researching abuse of spiritual authority. On the one hand, I am glad that darkness is being brought to light and families are being released from bondage of many sorts. Still, I am saddened to hear of all who have been so wounded by errant religious leaders who preached what they did not practice. 

So many of my loved ones have been hurt, especially by the patriarchy movement that has been popular among large home schooling families like mine. This hits way too close to home. I also get lot of e-mails from people who read my blogs, and I can tell you, the damage is deep and wide. I grieve.

My angst is not just about the allegations of sexual misconduct. It is about legalistic and hypocritical teaching that has destroyed families.  It's not just Doug Phillips, but men like Bill Gothard, Doug Wilson, C.J. Mahaney, and Mark Driscoll. I greatly respected them, even put them on pedestals. I regret that now. I sincerely apologize to any of you who started following their teaching because of anything I wrote. At the bottom of this post, there is a whole slew of links for you on some of the problems caused by patriarchal leaders and organizations. This is just a fraction of what is out there.

I love Jesus. I love people. This is not about gossiping or being bitter or judgmental. It is about setting people free and helping them move toward wholeness. I hate authoritarian abuse. I hate religious legalism. I hate the hypocrisy of those who vehemently preach one thing and flagrantly practice the opposite. Yet I was part of this, to a certain extent, even if mainly by association. I am a mother of 10 who became an eager participant in the full quiver / home education movement over 25 years ago after reading Mary Pride's books. This was my life. I read about it, tried to live it, promoted it. I love my 10 kids. I love home schooling. That is not the problem. It's how I did it because of who I allowed to influence me.  I am so sorry for the damage that my own children suffered because of this. I am so grateful, by the grace of God, that we are all still very close, and that everyone is somehow pulling through in their own ways. I've heard some of them say, "We're not doing everything quite the way you did," and I, with relief, say, "That's a very good thing!"

We still have a long way to go. I woke on Easter morning with so much on my mind, so many struggles and failures and unmet expectations. On top of my troubled thoughts, I hadn't slept well and I still had so much to do before family came over in the afternoon. I usually fix a decent Easter breakfast with eggs and such, but yesterday, I was so overwhelmed that I just didn't.  I was all "pickles and prickles" as we got ready for church. In the van, I realized that none of my five younger children had even taken the time to grab a bowl of cereal. (Oh, bad Mommy! Wait. Not! That one's on them, and they didn't even care about it! It's a good thing our church sets out granola bars...) Such a small thing among the bigger ones.  

In the midst of my Easter fluster, I appreciated my pastor reminding us that we still live in a fallen "Good Friday" world, and that we need the resurrection story every day. I know I do! I was also glad to hear him affirm how much Jesus did to overthrow patriarchal attitudes toward women by welcoming them into his ministry and opposing those who tried to oppress them. When he rose from the dead, he called Mary Magdalene by name and sent her out as the first witness of his resurrection in a culture which did not even allow the testimony of a woman in court. Jesus valued women. He values me. He values you, whether you are male or female, old or young, rich or poor, weak or strong... 

Please, dear sisters and brothers, if you are reading this, wherever you are, whatever has happened or is happening in your life, please find your grace and liberty and healing. There may be some things that you need to let go and other things you need to embrace. It is sometimes crazy scary, but it will be worth it.

 If you like what you see in this post, considering subscribing to this blog using subscribe options in the sidebar.

Finally, here are some general links from my blogs, and then some about Doug Phillips and Bill Gothard on other sites.

On my blogs:



Other blogs and news sites...

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