Tuesday, November 25, 2014

What Love Looks Like: Reaching Out to the Homeless

This is what love looks like:

Every month, a team of volunteers 
from Local Impact (a ministry of Metro Life)
sets up tables in the parking lot of a local motel
where many homeless people live.
Folks who live in the nearby woods also come.

Dinner. Clothes. Toiletries.
Blankets. Laundry detergent.
All free.

Allison and Greg sing,
"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound!"

Heather gives her testimony
of when she was a homeless single mom,
and how Jesus rescued her
from her addictions.

Daniel shares the gospel with passion.

Guests and volunteers line up for dinner.

Two happy young volunteers serving food
- that's my littlest daughter on the left.

Tables beautifully decorated
- even the napkins are adorned for Thanksgiving

Guests and volunteers enjoy the meal together
at picnic tables set up right in the parking lot.

They were giving away Bibles this month,
and I know one of the women who received one
was so excited that she started reading it right away.
One of my friends suggested
that she start in the Gospel of John.
I totally agree.
It's all about Jesus and his love.
This meal is all about Jesus and his love.
Also on this table?
Lists of local resources for
housing, food, job assistance,
health care, and more.

My daughter Julia organizes this monthly event
with our friend Allura.
I can't even begin to tell you
how much this blesses her Mama's heart.
I am so grateful.
I love to follow her example.

I'm so glad to be a part of this.
Can you tell from the smile on my face?
I mingle among the guests, seeing what they need.

It's sprinkling by the end,
but at least the rain held off until after dinner.

There is more to it than just serving the meal.

So much work goes on ahead of time and afterwards: praying, planning, publicizing, sorting clothes, assembling toiletry bags, buying and cooking the food, setting up tables and sound equipment, decorating, cleaning up, tearing down, loading up, more praying. We all work together.

And then there are the in-between times, because they are homeless every day, not just once a month. At least once a week or so, I try to stop by the area where many of them hang out during the day. It's less than a mile from my house. This time of year, to keep them warm and dry at night, fuzzy blankets and plastic tarps are in high demand. Fortunately, the Deals store nearby sells them inexpensively. Sneakers and socks are a good pick because theirs wear out fast with so much walking around. Water bottles and juice boxes are always appreciated. Bus fare cards help them get from one place to another so they can look for jobs and get to places like the Christian Sharing Center for assistance like job searches, food, housing aid, health clinic, clothes, laundry, and showers. 

It's time to watch and listen. What do they need? One of the ladies lugged around her heavy belongings in a big black plastic garbage bag. I could see she needed a rolling suitcase, and I had an extra at home. She also said she had been interviewing for jobs without success, and it was apparent that she lacked decent clothes for that. Time for me to share, even if it meant raiding our closets and driving around to the thrift stores the next day. I also got black dress pants for one of the men who was starting a new job, and another pair for one of the others. 

You see, it's not all about handouts, but a hand up, too. Let's them back on their feet so they can support themselves and get off the streets. But let's also remember that they are people, not projects.

You know what else our friends like? Hugs or handshakes. Smiles. Looking them straight in the eye. Remembering their names. Warm words that can be trusted. (They've been betrayed way too many times.) One of the newer ladies told me, "I have a really hard time trusting people, but when I saw how well you treated the ones that have been here awhile, I thought maybe you would be kind to me, too." That's why she came to the dinner.

What do they really want?
What do we really need to give?
They ask, "Why do you do this for us?"

The answer to all three questionsLove.

More of my posts on homelessness:

Grace and peace,

(P.S. Some of the photos in this post were taken by Amber Carroll. I took the rest.)

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Oh Scatter Seeds of Loving Deeds (Strength in Hymn)

"Oh Scatter Seeds of Loving Deeds"
Jessie H. Brown

Oh, scatter seeds of loving deeds
Along the fertile fields;
For grain will grow 
from what you sow,
And fruitful harvest yield.

Then day by day,
along your way,
The seeds of promise cast,
That ripened grain
from hill and plain
Be gathered home
at last.

Though sown in tears through 
weary years,
The seed will surely live;
Though great the cost,
it is not lost,
For God will fruitage give.

Then day by day,
along your way,
The seeds of promise cast,
That ripened grain
from hill and plain
Be gathered home
at last.

The harvest home of God will come;
And after toil and care,
With joy untold
your sheaves of gold
Will all be garnered there. 

Then day by day,
along your way,
The seeds of promise cast,
That ripened grain
from hill and plain
Be gathered home
at last.

Thanksgiving is next week, and we traditionally think of gratitude for the harvest. In England, they celebrate a holiday called "Harvest Home" in the autumn. 

This hymn reminds us that we are all sowing seeds -- and that ours should be those of loving deeds. In God's economy, when we invest in those who cannot repay us on earth, we receive an even richer reward in heaven. Truth be told, I'd even be quite satisfied with just seeing a harvest in the lives of those I serve. That is enough. I want to make an impact.

As we approach this holiday season, let's remember kindness, especially for those who are enduring difficult times. Look out for the lonely, the sick, the homeless, the hurting, the vulnerable.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

"Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness." James 3:18

"I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest. Even now the one who reaps draws a wage and harvests a crop for eternal life, so that the sower and the reaper may be glad together." John 4:35-36

Thanksgiving hymns from last year, with an emphasis on kindness toward others:

Other posts on practical kindness during the holidays and winter: 

And one more on sowing seeds:

Grace and peace,
Virginia Knowles

Friday, October 31, 2014

Let's End Domestic Violence - Not Just the Awareness Month

Dear friends,

It's October 31, and this month has been Domestic Violence Awareness month. The month might be ending, but unfortunately domestic violence has not. One quick look at the news will show you that.

I'm not just thinking about physical violence between intimate partners, but also emotional abuse, and abuse of other members of the family (such as children and the elderly. Let's not forget human trafficking victims either.

You can do your part. Educate yourself and others. Take a stand. Intervene in an abusive situation if needed. And by all means, get to safety if you or your children are in danger.

I have included a whole bunch of images in this post that you can download to your computer and then upload again to post on Facebook, your blog, or other social media. And please share this post on Facebook or your blog, too!

My domestic violence resource page has a bunch of links, including my own articles, but here are some links that aren't on there yet. I encourage you to read them carefully.

Here are the links:

As a reminder, here are the links to my own DV articles:

Domestic Violence Interviews 

Domestic Violence Dynamics and Responses 

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Kyrie Eleison (Strength in Hymn)

"Kyrie Eleison"

Kyrie eleison
Christe eleison
Kyrie eleison

Lord, have mercy
Christ, have mercy
Lord, have mercy

This is the ancient “Jesus Prayer” sung as a hymn in the liturgy of churches around the world. 

When times are stressful, I can’t always concentrate on a long complicated prayer. Jesus hears me whisper this, and he knows what’s in my heart. 

Here is an amazing modern version by Keith and Kristyn Getty, as performed by the Christ Church choir in Nashville. It has additional English verses about justice, compassion, healing, and mercy. 

Note: Pictures were taken at dusk at Kewanee Park in Maitland, Florida. The sunset colors fade fast, so I had to catch them while I could. For more photos of the same park at daytime, see Kewanee Park on a Foggy Day.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Domestic Violence Awareness Month with Leslie Vernick

Dear friends,

I have seen many articles by Leslie Vernick on the topic of destructive and/or dangerous marriages. I appreciate her work. I recently discovered this link to her month long series on domestic violence, with daily articles and videos. I may not agree 100% with everything she says, but I know you will find her site to be quite helpful. Domestic Awareness Violence Month 

To make it easier for you, here are the specific links so far:

Please also visit my own Domestic Violence Resource Page which is full of links to my articles and other sites.

Virginia Knowles

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Why Couples Counseling is Not Recommended for Abusive Marriages - Even Christian Ones

Dear friends,

A friend posted the following quote on her Facebook status, noting that she found it here: The Abuser in Couples Therapy.

"Attempting to address abuse through couples therapy is like wrenching a nut the wrong way; it just gets even harder to undo than it was before. Couples therapy is designed to tackle issues that are mutual. It can be effective for overcoming barriers to communication, for untangling the childhood issues that each partner brings to a relationship, or for building intimacy. But you can’t accomplish any of these goals in the context of abuse. There can be no positive communication when one person doesn’t respect the other and strives to avoid equality. You can’t take the leaps of vulnerability involved in working through early emotional injuries while you are feeling emotionally unsafe — because you are emotionally unsafe. And if you succeed in achieving greater intimacy with your abusive partner, you will soon get hurt even worse than before because greater closeness means greater vulnerability for you." (Excerpt from Lundy Bancroft's book, Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, pp 351-352)

Someone who commented on that status said that the quote didn't appear to give enough hope for the couple. At first glance, it's tempting to attribute this to the fact that author Lundy Bancroft is not writing from a Christian perspective and therefore does not believe in Biblical transformation. Let's not dismiss him so quickly. He is onto something vital and actually very Biblical even if it is not couched in that language.

In this article, I will attempt to explain many of the reasons why couples counseling is not appropriate for abusive relationships, even among Christians. Let me first say that this is written assuming the abuser is the husband, and the victim is the wife. I am aware that this is sometimes reversed. I also use male gender pronouns for the counselor as a matter of grammatical convenience.

I think the confusion about couples therapy in abusive situations comes because many Christians believe that its sole goal is the full restoration of the marriage. Instead, the rightful primary goal of therapy is the genuine safety and emotional well-being of those who have been victimized, and only secondarily the transformation and potential restoration of the abuser. Realistically, given the abysmal recurrence of abuse statistics of even "Christian" offenders, the wisest course of action in many cases is likely to be long-term separation or divorce, not marital reconciliation.

It may not be at all prudent for an abused woman to consider reconciliation, even if her husband has claimed repentance. It is common for abusive husbands to feign repentance or to try to behave outwardly for a period of time in order to regain the trust of their wives. Unless there has been deep heart change, any apparent outward "progress" will not likely be sustained. The behavior will sprout up again like a weed that has been lopped off at soil surface and not carefully extracted at the root level. This is part of the cycle of abuse. If the wife allows her husband to come back to the family home based on his promises to do better without lengthy and solid proof of inner change, it may be nearly impossible to get him to leave again if the abusive attitudes and behaviors come back. That's a risk that a women cannot rightly take, especially if her husband is using any form of manipulation to cajole her into letting him come back. An attempt to coerce her toward reconciliation is a red flag warning that there is more danger ahead. 

Even if the wife is not fooled, it is too easy for the husband to fake his maturity or progress in front of the counselor. Either he can persuade the counselor that he wasn't really the problem in the first place or that he has sufficiently changed. To pull off this charade, he may sweet-talk or intimidate his wife ahead of time into making it seem like all is well when they get to the counseling session. Certainly she is not free to discuss on-going problems in any substantial way, nor question his sincerity. If she complies with her husband and shuts up, the counselor may assume that the problems have been resolved or weren't as bad in the first place. No progress in counseling will happen because the husband is off the hook. If she does disclose what is really happening, she risks retaliation from her husband. He may trash her in the counseling session, bring up complaints against her to distract the counselor's focus from the core abuse issue, verbally abuse her in private, deprive her of basic financial and practical needs, send hostile texts or voice mails, or even take out his frustration in more violence against her or the children. If the counselor sees through the husband's hypocrisy and calls him out for his abusive behavior, the husband may complain that the counselor is biased and unfair, and use this as an excuse to refuse to cooperate with treatment.

The counselor may attempt to establish rapport with empathy for the husband's concerns and complaints. If he accepts these as a contributing factor to the abuse, he may inadvertently tip the already unhealthy imbalance of power even further in the husband's direction. The counselor may also encourage a reinforcement of traditional gender roles so that the husband will "man up" and decide to protect his wife and children. In an abusive marriage, this can be wrongfully interpreted as a sanction to exert even more authoritarian control. That's like putting the fox in charge of the hen house. This is especially confusing if the abused wife has already separated from the husband and is trying to establish healthy autonomy in a safe space. By using violence and domination, he has pretty much forfeited whatever authority he had over the family.

Then too, the abused wife is often pressured by the counselor to forgive and forget. She is warned to never consider divorce because that is supposedly a cardinal sin. It's all on her if this doesn't work out, because her husband is obviously "trying to do right" by coming to counseling. She must be just a bitter wife who isn't willing to work on her problems, right? 

The wife may be accused of tempting her husband toward adultery if she refuses marital intimacy due to lack of trust. If she has insisted on him moving out, she may be criticized for "kicking him out." She may be grilled as to how she provoked the abuse through her inadequacies, and chided for being disrespectful of her husband's leadership in the family. The assumption is that if she would just show more respect, he would naturally love her more and not abuse her. Unfortunately, in these cases, an attempt to show "respect" to her husband may serve to validate his craving for power and enable more mistreatment. And, as her husband hears this inquisition of his wife by the counselor, he has that much more to hold against her and over her. 

The counselor may also sense that the wife is depressed and assume that this is either the cause of the marital problems or that her depression is twisting her perceptions about what has happened. Could it be that she is actually depressed because she's in a horrible marriage, rather than the other way around? Or it could be true that she is just very tired and burned out because she has exerted herculean emotional and physical effort to make tough choices about boundaries, whether he still lives in the home or not. This stress takes a huge toll on a woman's body and soul. On top of that, now she is made to feel guilty for not being "joyful in all circumstances." Instead of the relief and affirmation she so desperately needs, she gets piled on with more burdens and accusations. What is worse is that in a couples counseling session, the husband picks up on this theme and uses it as leverage to make his wife feel even more incapable of dealing with "her problems." One more bomb for his arsenal...

If the wife is savvy enough to catch onto and protest about anything inappropriate in the counseling session, the penalty for her resistance may be condescension from the counselor, who has a vested interest in protecting his professional reputation. If she shows visible distress or raises her voice, she may be seen as irrational or too emotional, and told to calm down. Her mental stability is then in question, which may make the counselor doubt what she shares. The husband can then smile and nod his head in agreement with the counselor. See what he has to put up with? No wonder he gets so frustrated at her! Never mind that he might have been subtly baiting her and pushing her secret emotional buttons so that she would lose it in front of the counselor.

One factor in all of these couples counseling failures is that many "Biblical" therapists - even those with doctorate degrees - are not sufficiently trained in the specific dynamics of abusive relationships. Dangerous marriages are treated with the same techniques as ones that are just plain difficult, but they don't function the same. It is not just a matter of severity of behavior on the spectrum of dysfunction. Counselors can't just dial up the usual advice to a higher notch. Instead, they must be prepared to deal with the twisted mindset of the abuser and the traumatized state of the victim. You would think they would get that.

Unfortunately, so many counselors don't understand and don't use a different approach for abusive marriages. Christian wives who listen to them feel roped in with no safe and sensible options; they have been told they must be "godly" and therefore "Biblically" and "respectfully" reconcile with a dangerous, destructive man who is not really truly going to change. The period of time she participates on this "restorative" couples counseling may actually hinder her from pursuing safety and sanity, and thus prolong the abuse and unhealthy control.

What is at all "Biblical" about this? It is ripe for hypocrisy and deception, not TRUTH. It enables more manipulation and violence. A couple cannot rebuild a healthy relationship on this foundation. There is no Biblical call to trust someone who is covering over abuse. There is also no valid reason for a woman to expose her children or herself to danger and degradation again just so her estranged husband can look good and get his own way. There is no excuse for counselor to allow an abused wife to be re-victimized by her husband in a couples therapy session.

How should counseling proceed for couples in abusive relationships? Here is what I think is necessary:

  • The counselor needs to be fully aware of the dynamics of abusive relationships and how they differ from merely difficult ones. He needs specialized training in domestic violence and controlling relationships. If he does not yet have the necessary qualifications or internal understanding, he should be prepared to refer them to someone who does.
  • The wife and husband should consult with the counselor separately. They might even see different counselors, since some therapists are better equipped to comforting victims and helping them heal, while others are more geared toward confronting abusers and helping them change.
  • If the couple insists on coming in together, the therapist should make it clear that this is an introductory session and that he will not give them advice yet. He should use the time to gather basic factual information. He can then watch how the couple interacts, while purposely avoiding any escalation of conflict between them. He should also assure them that he will think about what he has seen and heard, and then consult with them individually in later appointments. If the couple does not contact him again, the counselor could discretely call the wife and let her know that there is other help available. He should give her contact information for domestic violence resource centers, shelters, and legal aid. If finances are an issue, he should make her aware that government funding for private counseling is often available to those in need. She can continue sessions on her own as necessary, even if her husband doesn't wish to participate. 
  • The counselor needs to respect the right of the wife to make decisions for her own well-being, even if that includes separation or divorce. He should not pressure her into doing anything, especially if trust has been shattered. He should never make her more vulnerable to manipulation and mistreatment, or in any way make her feel responsible for the abuse or for her husband's change.

  • The counselor needs to communicate to the husband that there is absolutely no excuse for violence or emotional abuse in a marriage. The husband needs to be held responsible and not coddled. The counselor must remind him of the need for a complete change of heart, not just outward behavior. Together, they need to explore why the husband thinks and acts as he does, and root out and replace negative thought processes.
  • Any information shared by the wife or husband - whether in the private session, phone call, letter, or e-mail - is to be confidential unless there is express permission to communicate it to the other spouse, or unless there is an credible intent to harm the other. To prevent assumption, the client should also tell the counselor if there is something he or she does not want disclosed. If the counselor has any doubt about what to share, he should ask the client. Above all, he must respect the privacy rights and safety of the abused spouse.
Those are my recommendations for counseling in abusive marriages.


I know this has been a long post, but I hope it has been comprehensive, and that is has helped you better understand the dynamics of abuse and counseling.

In writing this post, I appreciate the insights gained from the article 12 Reasons Why Couples Counseling is Not Recommended When Domestic Violence is Present. I also commend the on-going work of Jeff Crippen and his colleagues on the blog A Cry for Justice.

In addition, I would like to point you to the other domestic violence posts on this blog, as well as my resource page with links to those and other sites. My own posts elaborate more on specific aspects of abusive relationships, as well as appropriate responses.

Grace and peace,
Virginia Knowles

    Sunday, September 14, 2014

    Christ, Whose Glory Fills the Skies (Strength in Hymn)

    “Christ, Whose Glory 
    Fills the Skies”
    Charles Wesley, 1740

    Christ, whose glory fills the skies
    Christ, the true, the only Light,
    Sun of Righteousness, arise,
    Triumph o’er the shades of night;
    Dayspring from on high, be near,
    Daystar, in my heart appear.

    Dark and cheerless is the morn
    Unaccompanied by Thee;
    Joyless is the day’s return,
    Till Thy mercy’s beams I see,
    Till Thou inward light impart,
    Glad my eyes, and warm my heart.

    Visit then this soul of mine,
    Pierce the gloom of sin and grief;
    Fill me, Radiancy divine,
    Scatter all my unbelief;
    More and more Thyself display,
    Shining to the perfect day.

    "You know what I always do when I walk into your house at sunset," I reminded my friend Judy as I set down my plate of egg rolls yet to be warmed for the Ladies' Night In. "I'll be back in a few minutes." 

    I slipped out the back door. I can't help it. There is just something about sunset and clouds over Lake Bell. Something about clusters of exotic flowers.

    There is also something about being with women who love Jesus. We gathered in the living room, plates and cups in hand, a feast for body and soul. Eleven us, not all knowing each other yet, sharing stories. 

    These women have seen the world. Many of them have been long-time missionaries in Third World nations, two of them are professional counselors, and one interviews families with very ill children. About half are married, the others single. Some are sad at their now empty nests or ones that never filled in the first place. Some, like me, are still trying to juggle a hot mess of kids at home while working part-time. There is no sugar coating life for these women. They could easily be overwhelmed with "the gloom of sin and grief." Yet they spoke of their abiding love for Jesus and how he has changed their lives, of Christ-filled mentors who helped launch their faith journeys. They prayed for those among them who are struggling. "Scatter all my unbelief" is what he did on a balmy September evening in Judy's living room. 

    At sunset over Lake Bell, his glory filled the skies. By the time we left, long after darkness fell deep outside, the light of his glory had filled our hearts.

    Triumph o’er the shades of night;
    Dayspring from on high, be near,
    Daystar, in my heart appear.

    I looked at several videos of this hymn with various tunes and settings. Here is one newer arrangement I particularly liked, with music by Matt Foreman...

    This post is among several dozen in my Strength in Hymn series.

    More photos and inspiration from Judy's...
    Grace and peace,
    Virginia Knowles