While
decorating for Christmas last week, I left this angel on the table.
The next morning, I found her standing with my daughter's Ken doll.
Apparently she was planning for them to get married as soon as she
could find someone to officiate the wedding.
Something
about the angel caught my eye. She was looking down, probably because
she is supposed to be a tree topper smiling benevolently at the
children below. However, standing right next to Ken, she seemed like
she was sad and feeling shamed, like he was mad at her and she
couldn't bear to look him in the eye.
In
light of the series I have been writing on domestic violence, this
image made me think of the dynamic between a Bad Boy and an Angel in
a marriage. (By the way, for the purpose of this article, I'm the one
who posed Ken with his hand up about ready to hit her.) I'm not
talking about Bad Boy in the sense of an outward persona, like a guy
with tats all over him. I've met plenty of nice guys with tats. In
this post, I'm specifically talking about a man who abuses his wife
and/or his children through manipulation, harassment, intimidation,
and/or physical violence.
Here's
a problem: If she is from a religious background that teaches strict
gender roles, it is highly likely that she's been taught to put up
with it.
She's
the good girl, the Angel.
She
is supposed to sweetly submit to whatever he dishes out.
If
he is rough and brusque and forceful, he's just being manly.
If
she protests, even tactfully, she's being rebellious.
“You
just need to submit! The Bible says women should submit!” he
demands. “Why are you so contentious, woman!”
“You
just think you are so perfect and holy!” he accuses. “You think you're such an angel but you have as many problems as I do!”
“Oh,
you just want to be a LIB-ERRR-AAAATED WOOOOMAN! It's all about
WOOMMMANN power!” he yells.
Ahem.
What's the alternative? Slavery? What man in his right mind wants a
woman to be in any kind of bondage or subjugation? A man who loves
his wife does all he can to make sure she is liberated and empowered.
If
Angel goes to her church for help, she might be told to try harder,
be sweeter, submit to everything with a smile. She must not argue
with Bad Boy. She must not separate from him. Or if she does
separate, she must agree to work toward reconciliation. It's up to
her to make this work. She's the good Christian girl. The Angel. Her
family is counting on her. She's in this for life, right?
Let's
snap back to reality, OK?
I'm
all for intact families. I'm all for being patient and encouraging
people to change.
But
abuse is wrong.
If
the marriage has moved from “difficult” to “dangerous” then a
separation – even a permanent one - is absolutely justified.
Safety and sanity are the priority.
What
then?
If
Bad Boy is truly repentant and serious about change, fine. Let him
prove it over a long period of time with no manipulation or pressure
for reconciliation.
If
Bad Boy continues with his behavior, or even if he plays nice when it
suits him but keeps the same abusive attitude underneath,
reconciliation will be a farce. How do you know that attitude is
still there? Is he blame shifting? Is he describing you with words
like disobedient, unsubmissive, or negligent? Is he trashing you in
front of the kids? Is he trying to make you feel guilty for setting
boundaries? Is he accusing you of being “holier than thou”? Is he
interrogating you about things that are none of his business? Is he
trying to keep you off balance emotionally? Is he insisting that if
you really cared about God you would reconcile with him? Is he trying
to control you, and criticizing you if you don't do things the way he
wants? Does it seem like when he does something nice that he is
trying to obligate you to do something for him? If things are not
going his way, does he sulk, pout, or yell? Do you feel like you are
still walking on eggshells around him?
My
friend, if you are in an abusive marriage and you have been taught
that you need to respect him anyway, consider this. A woman may think
she is respecting her husband if she gives in to whatever he demands.
But that is not respect at all. Instead, she is coddling him like a
toddler who is having a tantrum. Respect is treating him like a full
grown man who can take responsibility for his own actions and
attitudes. If you respect him, you will expect him to man up. Bad Boy
needs to get a grip and be a Big Boy for once. If not, he will have
to face his consequences. You in turn will have to be strong enough
to set your boundaries and stick by them. If that requires a
separation or even a divorce, that's on him, not on you. If
you have children, they are counting on you to protect them, not only
from being abused themselves, but from even witnessing violence and
intimidation.
What
can "outsiders" do to either prevent abuse or intervene?
Parents:
Raise your boys to be strong and gentle. Raise your girls to be
strong and gentle. Teach integrity, responsibility, mutual respect,
and compassion above everything else.
Pastors
and counselors: Rethink your teaching on gender. Be sure you are not
enabling abuse. If a woman comes to you for help, make sure she is
safe in every way. Do not tell her to submit to abuse. Do not demand
that she save her marriage at all costs. Do not tell her husband that
she is the one who is out of line if she doesn't. Be like Jesus and
do what is right.
Friends
and relatives: If you see it happening or even suspect that it is,
think hard about what you can do to intervene without causing more
risk of harm. First, go to the woman with compassion and ask what you
can do. Be supportive. Be discrete. Be love.
Everyone:
Please read...
