Dear friends,
I'm thankful for the privilege of hosting this guest post by Susan Moore. As the mother of a large family myself, I've always loved her old blog, Joyful Mom of Many.
Now I'm delighted to present the most recent post from her new site, Susan Moore. Susan is the mother of 12, veteran of home schooling, writer, photographer, triathlete, and a domestic violence survivor. If you click on the title below, it will take you to the same article on her own blog. Please welcome Susan.
… because
they just gained the courage to flee an abusive marriage.
[Virginia's note added later... In case you don't pick this up, Susan wrote this list facetiously. Before you scream, read further to see what she really thinks you should say.]
-
Have you tried … (taking a nap, eating, medication, more prayer…)
-
God never gives us more than we can handle.
-
The sun will come out tomorrow!
-
Whatever you do, don’t try yoga (or antidepressants)… #causesdemonpossession
-
You just need to submit more… to God, to your husband, etc
-
I know just how you feel… fill-in-the-blank with non-abuse related incident, like: “I know just how you feel… my middle child was *so* colicky!”
-
If you just trusted God more then none of this would have happened.
-
You just need to try harder (read your Bible more, pray more, etc)
-
Think positively!
-
Things could always be worse!
-
At least you aren’t experiencing… (insert 3 hour long personal story)
-
Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and move on!
-
You aren’t really struggling; it’s all in your head!
-
You must be in sin.
-
It was the Lord’s will.
-
Have you forgiven him?
-
I just don’t want you to become bitter!
-
Just remember, God is in control!
-
The Lord works in mysterious ways…
-
The storms will relent if you simply trust God and repent.
Or,
you could simply say something like, “That must be so hard!
I can’t imagine what you are going through or how you are feeling,
but I care and want to walk alongside you in this.”
Please
know that it is not my intention to hurt anyone’s feelings or to
offend anyone with this article! I think that it is human nature to
want to empathize with someone who is in the midst of a challenging
time, whether they are recovering from an abusive marriage, or are
reeling from a cancer diagnosis or perhaps dealing with the
overwhelming grief and concern of trying to help a wayward child.
It’s so hard to know what to say!
The
fact is, I told myself many
of the things on that list! It is quite possible that I was even
harder on myself than
others were. Also, most people do not have evil intent in saying
these things. The vast majority of people really do care and want to
help.
When
you love and care about someone, it is only natural to want to “fix”
the situation that they are in. Many of the 20 statements above are
true, but not necessarily helpful. The most helpful thing I have
experienced was friends who cared enough to simply be with
me. They cared enough to check on me, and were okay with the fact
that I wasn’t okay.
I
didn’t have to pretend to be happily trusting God, when I could
barely get out of bed. They lovingly came alongside me without
judgement or condemnation and refused to leave me, even when I cried
out in despair and didn’t feel like I was making any progress.
I
cannot imagine how hard it must have been for these few faithful
friends to play that role in my life. I can tell you this though: I
don’t think I’d be here now if they hadn’t stepped in.
What
about you? Have you been blessed by friends who have walked through
dark times with you, or have you been able to be that faithful,
steadfast friend for someone else?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank you, Susan, for all of your wise words!
If you would like to read related articles here at Watch the Shepherd:
- My Essays on Abuse in Families and Churches
- Why Couples Counseling is Not Recommended for Abusive Marriages
- Domestic Violence Awareness Month with Leslie Vernick
- Abigail's Story: Responses to Domestic Violence
- Mara's Story: Anger After Abuse
- Elizabeth's Story: Domestic Violence in a Ministry Home
- When Abuse Leads to Cynicism
Grace and peace,
Virginia
P.S. If you leave a comment here, can you pop on over to Susan's original blog post and leave the same one there? We would love to hear from you and make this a real discussion!
