Dignity, Decisions, and Liberty of Conscience (Advocating for the Vulnerable #4)

Two black swallowtail butterflies
with freedom to fly!

Dignity, Decisions, and 

Liberty of Conscience

As I write on this Watch the Shepherd blog about the abuse of authority and advocating for the vulnerable, I often think of another underlying theme: liberty of faith and conscience. This applies to churches, marriages, parenting, education choices, and so much more.

Many of us are very passionate people with strong opinions. That is vital in an age of apathy; our zeal and vision motivate us to stay intimately involved with our families and communities. If we have found something good, something that works for us, we want to share it. If we have learned a solid Biblical doctrine, we want to teach the truth to lift others up. If we have a favorite candidate or cause, we join the campaign, donate the money, put up the signs in our yards, and promote our views with Facebook status updates. If we see someone engaging in unhealthy, questionable or destructive behavior or relationships, we want to help them break free before it is too late.

There is a time for firm intervention, especially when we are advocating for vulnerable people. It is appropriate to contact authorities about illegal activity such as human trafficking, child abuse, sexual abuse, drug dealing, or tax evasion. It is appropriate to stage an intervention, such as a trip to rehab, if someone is destroying his life with substance abuse and has lost the ability to reason. It is appropriate to warn someone who is doing something stupid, such as continuing in a violent “romantic” relationship.  Pastors sometimes need to disfellowship members who are engaging in serious unrepentant immoral behavior.  A parent certainly has the right to make decisions on behalf of a minor child, such as curtailing unwise friendships or the use of technology, although a wise parent also gradually releases hold of the decisions in order to launch the child to healthy independence. 

However, there can be a negative side to our attempts to influence others when we get so invested in our hot button issues that we seek to push our opinions, convictions and lifestyle choices in inappropriate ways.  We can have the best of motives and care deeply about others, but still miss the mark.  If we are in a position of leadership or influence (such as a pastor, boss, husband, parent, close confidante, or mentor), this can also quickly become abuse of authority. Our concern becomes a form of coercion, even if we aren't technically “forcing” somehow to go along with our plans for them.  

I consider myself to be “Reformed” in doctrine, but I would certainly distance myself from the 16^th century Calvinists who persecuted Anabaptists to the point of death over the issue of believer's baptism. It's a good thing times have changed! Despite the fact that I do not believe in infant baptism, I can't even imagine my Presbyterian pastor blasting me over that issue. I respect his sincere views and he respects mine.  

I also shake my head at the 17^th century Puritans who hanged my aged ancestor, Margaret Scott, during the Salem Witch Trials. Passion and superstition trumped reason and compassion, and the Puritans have tragically become a laughingstock of American history despite the lasting legacy of their many sterling character qualities. In my own 21st century experience, I left another Reformed-doctrine church denomination after many years of membership because of various issues. In good conscience, I could not stay, but I still love and respect my friends and family members who attend these churches.  And I'm not a fan of most preachers who are popular with Reformed evangelicals; Mark Driscoll is particularly disturbing.

One thing I do love about Reformed doctrine is the concept of God's Providence – that he is ultimately in control of what happens in our lives, that he is watching over us and bringing us through the hard times, the difficult days. If God is in control, if he can woo and change the hardest heart, then I don't have to pull all of the human strings to manipulate others into doing what I think is right. I can be patient with others and with myself, and not work myself into a frenzy when they won't change or I can't seem to change. Conversely, if someone is trying to manipulate me, I can take responsibility for my decision making, my own physical, emotional and spiritual well-being under the gracious guidance of God.  I can set boundaries of acceptable ways of relating to me.

What I am trying to say is that when dealing with others, we need to respect liberty of conscience and the dignity of making decisions.

Sure, go ahead and present your information persuasively and logically. Invite them to consider it. Set an example to match your words. But stay calm. Let the force of your argument be from your personal credibility and your reasonable words. Then back off and let them make them their own free choice. Pushing your agenda may be counterproductive anyway – the harder you try, the more they resist. None of us wants to be someone else's improvement project. None of us wants to be controlled. That is not necessarily rebellion (as it is often labeled by those who want to maintain power), but is often an expression of our God-given liberty of conscience.

Ask yourself, will this interaction improve my relationship? Do the people I want to influence know that I care more about them as individual people than I do about changing them? Do they know that I will love and accept them no matter what they choose?  Am I controlling myself as much as I want to control them?

If you have a tendency to control others “for their own good” there is still hope for you to change.  Learn to inspire your loved ones to gain the courage and confidence to face their problems rather than always trying to fix things for them. Learn to ask what you can do to help and then do it, even if it seems too insignificant, even if you think you know better what they need.  Learn to apologize when you have offended, without using that as an opportunity to launch back into the discussion in the same way.  Learn to listen well and long.

And may we always remember to pray for God to pour out his most abundant blessings on them, even if we don't approve of their actions or lifestyle. The man who once violently persecuted Christians – and whom God still saved in an unexpected way - penned these words in his letter to the church at Ephesus:

“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:16-21

“Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.” Ephesians 4:14-15

“So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God. Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother’s way.” Romans 14:12-13

"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires." James 1:19

“The quiet words of the wise are more to be heeded than the shouts of a ruler of fools.” Ecclesiastes 9:17

As Chris Rice sings in "You Don't Have to Yell":

Everybody take a breath
Why are all your faces red?
We're missing all the words you said
You don't have to yell
Draw your lines
And choose your sides
Cause many things are worth the fight
But louder doesn't make you right
You don't have to yell,
Oh, you don't have to yell!

Other related posts:

Manifesto of Liberty and Responsibility in Christian Families

Web Links about Parenting with Grace Instead of Authoritarian Legalism

Grace and peace,
Virginia Knowles
www.WatchTheShepherd.blogspot.com

P.S. My friend Karen Campbell, of www.ThatMom.com, post this quote from C.S. Lewis on her Facebook.

‎"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron’s cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience. They may be more likely to go to Heaven yet at the same time likelier to make a Hell of earth. This very kindness stings with intolerable insult. To be “cured” against one’s will and cured of states which we may not regard as disease is to be put on a level of those who have not yet reached the age of reason or those who never will; to be classed with infants, imbeciles, and domestic animals." ~ C. S. Lewis

P.P.S. I took the butterfly picture at the top of this post with my iPod while out on a walk in my neighborhood.  It is my submission this week to the P52 Photo Project for this week's theme "Birds or Flying."

Identifying Child Trafficking Victims (Advocating for the Vulnerable #3)

Slavery in the United States in 2012?

Yes.  There is.

Right here in the lovely city of Orlando, the tourist industry has spawned a darker side: child trafficking, often for sexual purposes.

Earlier this year, I posted several links about human trafficking on one of my other blogs here: 27 Million Slaves Today

One of these links is for Florida Abolitionist (FA), a non governmental organization established to campaign against modern day slavery. FA’s approach is a focused strategy to educate, equip, and empower the faith community. Tomas J. Lares, the founder and president of FA is passionate about ending modern day slavery.  I met Tomas when he came to speak at Lake Baldwin Church.  He is collaborating with me on another post about human trafficking, which will appear sometime soon.  I wanted to go ahead and get this out now, though.

I think it is difficult to know how we can make a difference if we don't know what the problem is, what to look for, and what to do if we suspect that someone we see or meet has been trafficked.  It's easier to look the other way, to not notice.  But that isn't going to help at all. We need to be educated and prepared to be involved as necessary.

Fortunately, a couple of weeks ago I spotted a bunch of brochures about child trafficking tacked to a bulletin board in a Christian bookstore.  Though the target audience for the brochure is law enforcement officers, social workers, and health care providers, I think the information is something we should all learn.  The rest of this article is from the on-line version of the brochure. Perhaps the most important thing from it is the toll-free hotline: 1.888.373.7888.  I'm going to put that in my cell phone and iPod notepad, along with some other toll-free numbers on elder abuse and domestic violence to pass along to those who might need it.

Here is what the brochure says:

Human Trafficking is Modern-Day Slavery

Human trafficking is a modern-day form of slavery. Victims of human trafficking are subjected to force, fraud, or coercion for the purpose of sexual exploitation or forced labor. Victims are young children, teenagers, men and women. Approximately 600,000 to 800,000 victims annually are trafficked across international borders worldwide according to U.S. government estimates. More than half of these victims worldwide are children, according to the U.S. Department of State. Child victims of trafficking are often exploited for sexual purposes, including prostitution, pornography and sex tourism.  They are also exploited for forced labor, including domestic servitude, sweatshop factory work and migrant farming.  

Child victims of trafficking can be found in:

• Commercial sex

• Domestic servitude (servants)

• Sweatshop factories

• Construction

• Farming or landscaping

• Fisheries

• Hotel or tourist industries

• Panhandling

• Janitorial services

• Restaurant services

Identifying Child Victims of Human Trafficking

• Children who are victims of human trafficking may be mistaken for prostitutes, runaway youth, migrant farm workers or domestic servants.  By looking beneath the surface, picking up on the right clues and asking the right questions, you may uncover children who are being exploited.
• Children exploited for labor are often hungry or malnourished to the extent they may never reach their full height or they may have poorly formed or rotting teeth.
• Children exploited for sexual purposes may show evidence of untreated sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV/AIDS, urinary tract infections, and kidney problems .
• Children who are victims of trafficking can also be identified by environmental factors, including whether the child is living at the workplace or with an employer, living with multiple people in a cramped space, or not in school, attends school sporadically or has a significant gap of schooling in the U.S.
• Forced labor may expose children to physical abuse or leave signs such as scars, headaches, hearing loss, cardiovascular / respiratory problems and limb amputation.  They may also develop chronic back, visual and respiratory problems from working in agriculture, construction or manufacturing.
• The psychological effects of exploitation include helplessness, shame and humiliation, shock, denial and disbelief, disorientation and confusion, and anxiety disorders including post traumatic stress disorder, phobias, panic attacks and depression.

Communicating with Child Victims of Human Trafficking

When communicating with children who have been exploited, it is important to remember child victims have special needs and may assume what has happened to them is their own fault. Often, child victims of trafficking may not establish trust easily due to their experiences. They may have been coached to answer your questions in a certain way.  With the guidance and involvement of a child welfare expert, asking some of the following questions may help you determine if you are dealing with child victims of trafficking:

• Why did you come to the U.S.?  What did you expect when you came? Were you scared?

• Do you have any papers?  Who has them? 

• Are you in school?  Are you working?  Can you leave if you want?

• Where do you live?  Who else lives there?  Are you scared to leave?

• Has anybody ever threatened you to keep you from running away?

• Did anyone ever touch you or hurt you?

While these questions provide a beginning to a challenging dialogue, it is vital to remember that the child should be approached in a manner that reflects his or her age, development, culture, language and what is known about the nature of his or her experience.

Understanding Child Victims of Human Trafficking

Understanding the mindset of child human trafficking victims is important to helping them restore their lives. Their reasons for coming to the U.S. vary, but consistently, children succumb to exploitation under the guise of opportunity—children may believe they are coming to the United States to be united with family, to work in a legitimate job or to attend school. 

Additionally, children may be subject to psychological intimidation or threats of physical harm to self or family members.   Child victims of human trafficking face significant problems.  Often physically and sexually abused, they have distinctive medical and psychological needs that should be addressed before advancing into adulthood.  Taught by those who traffick them to fear government officials—and in particular, law enforcement and immigration officers—they are often distrustful of the system.

Children have the most impressionable minds, and the road to recovery is long.  Understanding their mindset and building trust through open dialogue is the first step to rescuing and restoring their faith in a new beginning.  

Support for Child Victims of Human Trafficking

If you suspect a child is a victim of human trafficking, call the National Human Trafficking Resource Center at 1.888.373.7888 to obtain information and to access supportive services through the Trafficking Victims Protection Reauthorization Act of 2006 (TVPRA). This hotline will help victims safely and securely rebuild their lives by connecting them to basic services related to:  

• Immediate shelter/specialized foster care

• Health care

• Immigration assistance

• Food

• Legal assistance

Child victims of trafficking may be eligible for the T visa, which allows them to remain in the U.S. and may adjust their status to lawful permanent resident after three years.   Through the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), unaccompanied trafficked children also are eligible for the Unaccompanied Refugee Minors (URM) program, which provides a comprehensive  range of services for children and places them in culturally appropriate foster homes, group homes, or independent living arrangements, appropriate to their developmental needs.

For more information about human trafficking , visit www.acf.hhs.gov/trafficking

This post is the third in my Advocating for the Vulnerable series.  The other posts: 

• Advocating for the Vulnerable, Part 1: A Story About Elder Abuse
• Advocating for the Vulnerable, Part 2: Homeless

"The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’" Matthew 25:40

"He has showed you, O man, what is good.  And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

For justice and mercy,

Virginia Knowles

www.WatchTheShepherd.blogspot.com

Linking to:

Frequent Flier Club

Homeless (Advocating for the Vulnerable #2)

Dear friends,

I had seen her before in the grocery store, her boyfriend pushing the wheelchair.

Now she is attempting to cross a busy street by herself, propelling herself with one leg.  She is not wearing her prosthetic leg, necessary after a childhood amputation.  One arm is in a brace, has been ever since I've seen her.  It is hurting her badly.  She has vision problems, a scar over an eye.  And I worry as I pull up in my van that she is going to get hit if she doesn't get to the other side fast.  I lean out the window.  "Do you want me to push you?"  She nods.

I pull over to the nearest parking lot, jump out, look both ways, run cattycorner to where she has made it to the opposite curb but can't get up the wheelchair cut.  Her purse is on the ground.  She can't reach it.  "Where do you want to go?"  The bus stop, another 20 or 30 yards. I lift her purse onto her lap, grab the chair handles and off we go.  

She asks, "Why are you doing this?"  That's easy: because people have been so kind to me, and Jesus loves us all.  We chat for a few minutes.   She is homeless, lives near downtown with a bunch of others next to a McDonalds.  She used to have a good job.  That must have been before her car accident.  "It's so hard to ask for help!" she replies when I ask if she has been to any of the shelters, but adds that a lady is helping her file for Medicaid. I tell her that next time I see her, I'll give her some information about resources for the homeless and disabled in our area.

I ask if she would like me to pray for her.  She grabs my hand, leans her head against my arms.  I offer a simple prayer for protection and provision and that she would know how much she is loved.

"Just leave me here under the palm tree.  I'll be fine."

It was just 10 minutes on the way to an appointment with one of my kids.

It was just opening my eyes and pushing a chair and speaking kindness and prayer and dignity.  Not much else I could do right then, but little bits count.

Now it's time to gather my resource list.  I'll start with what I already compiled here last March: Food, Health, Jobs, and Family Crisis Assistance Resources in Central Florida

My four adult daughters have all been involved in homeless ministry at some point, one even organizing a clothing and blanket drive and then driving down to bless over 50 people on a cold January night with their haul, others participating in public feedings downtown.  My nursing student daughter reminds me that many homeless people also struggle with mental illness and addiction issues.  Another daughter's Disney coworker/friend was murdered in his apartment by a family he had taken in.  There is a time for caution.  But it is also a time for prudent compassion.  It doesn't take much to fill some gallon size zip lock bags with nutritious snacks to hand someone who is living on the streets.  Homeless folks live in the woods less than a mile from our home.  I'm not going to set foot in their makeshift camp, but I still encounter them other places and no one has ever turned me down when I've offered them a little something to eat.  Sometimes it's a quick trip through the Wendy's drive-through and doubling back around to the bench where they sit.

What are ways you reach out to the homeless?

This post is the second in my Advocating for the Vulnerable series.  

The other posts: 

• Advocating for the Vulnerable, Part 1: A Story About Elder Abuse
• Advocating for the Vulnerable, Part 3: Identifying Child Trafficking Victims

(By coincidence, the sweet homeless lady in this post was in the grocery store when the elder abuse story took place, though she may not have heard the conversation.)

Grace,
Virginia Knowles
www.WatchTheShepherd.blogspot.com

"The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’" Matthew 25:40

"He has showed you, O man, what is good.  And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 

A Story About Elder Abuse (Advocating for the Vulnerable #1)

Dear friends,

I am both a people watcher and a bargain hunter, so a trip to the neighborhood Aldi grocery store is quite an experience for me. It's a small store and it's almost like whoever walks in about the same time as you is your comrade for the next half hour that it takes to traverse the four aisles filling your cart. I've had fascinating conversations at Aldi with strangers or with old friends I haven't seen in a while. Sometimes the clerks have to remind us to move along because the store's about to close.

But today.

Image from here.

Image from here.

They walked in just after me, a man who looked to be in his forties and an older woman. Certainly the years had not been kind to her. Neither had this man: her dignity was under constant assault by his glares, his gestures, his bellowing voice that resonated throughout the entire store, his incessant cutting words. He treated her like she was a disobedient child and he the harried parent, even though no child should ever be subjected to that kind of belittling and humiliation. He acted like an unruly and whiny child himself, throwing his public tantrum. Aisle 1, aisle 2, aisle 3, aisle 4, checkout, and even the bagging area, where he sat cross-legged with his entire body on the counter, barking into his phone that she'd better get out of that bathroom right quick. She came. The barrage continued. I loaded my cart just 15 feet away, and when he glanced in my direction, I looked him right in the eyes. My heart stood still, but my tongue did not. I could not be silent any longer. I took a deep breath, spoke firmly, directly: "No one deserves to be treated that way.  Ever. You are being obnoxious." My words were an understatement, but he looked startled at my audacity. Then he smirked and stuck his tongue out at me, hefted his grocery bag strap onto his shoulder and stomped out. She followed.

Dear God in heaven. What choice did she have?  

I stood and shook. My daughter handed me a brownie to calm my nerves. A clerk asked if I was OK. A fellow customer came over and thanked me for what I said. She confided: "She is his mother, you know." Did this customer know them personally or did she just overhear that?  I wonder. I wonder if the dear lady lives with her son and puts up with this humiliation every day. And I wonder what he does to her when no one is looking, whether those age spots on her skin were really bruises instead. I hope he doesn't vent against her any anger about what I said to him. I hope he listened somewhere in his heart, though I'm not banking on it. I hope he can find a healthy way to channel his frustration when he is overwhelmed about caring for his mother. I hope she heard, that she sensed in my words a glimmer of hope that she is worth something. To somebody. To God. That she is not bad, but his behavior is. She deserves better.

I'd like to open an on-going conversation starting with this incident. It's not just about verbal abuse (and yes, it is REAL ABUSE) of the elderly, but about advocating for the safety and dignity of all the precious vulnerable people right here in our communities and beyond.

I want to talk about some dark issues. Human trafficking. Crisis pregnancies. Domestic violence. Teen bullying, rage, and suicide. Mistreatment of migrant workers. Mental illness. Children who are missing one or both parents due to desertion, death or jail. The homeless. Anyone who is being exploited.  

I want to talk about what we can do.

But all that is for another day, for many other days. My heart needs to mull on that some more. I need to gather my wits, gather my resources, say my prayers.

Here is the first step until then:  BE AWARE. Be mindful. Educate yourself outside your comfort zone so when the time comes, you will know what to do to help the situation and not make it worse.

And here is a second step for some of you. If you can share with me (really all of us) what you already know, whether it is an experience, a resource, an organization, please do. This is a conversation, not a lecture.

Since we started this conversation with a story about elder abuse, here are two links with information on what it is and what can be done:

• Elder Abuse and Neglect
• Center on Elder Abuse

And, an article by my friend Karen Campbell at www.thatmom.com that gave me impetus to speak up in the grocery store: The Real Man.

Thanks for joining me. Please leave a comment.

Virginia Knowles
www.WatchTheShepherd.blogspot.com

P.S. I have already written about some of these issues on my other blogs:

• 27 Million Slaves Today
• Food, Health, Jobs, and Family Crisis Assistance Resources in Central Florida
• Child Discipline or Child Abuse?

My Thoughts on the Sexualization of the Church (and Other Problems)

Dear friends, 

We sat in a living room, about twenty men and women in our home group "Bible" study, and I squirmed. This was a first for me. Apparently it was a tradition in our church for the married couples to talk about sex every February in honor of Valentine's Day. The icebreaker this time: "Other than the bedroom, where do you like to do it?"  Huh? Is this conversation for mixed company? Years later, a friend told me about neighbors they had invited to our home group that evening. Who. Never. Came. Back. To. The. Church. Good for them. I endured at least two or three more of these evenings in various permutations over the eight years we were members of that church. I boycotted a few too, and toward the end our time there I think they were being discontinued, at least in our group. 

One of those evenings left me in tears. Seriously. I had already asked the new group leader to reconsider this kind of discussion, or at least to split up the men and women in separate rooms. He promised to keep it discreet. Sure, we didn't talk about "where we would do it" or anything graphic at all. But still, due to the sensitive and private nature of the discussion, I fled the room fairly early on and bawled my eyes out in the bathroom. I didn't come out until nearly everyone had left and I could wipe my tears and eat a few chocolate chip cookies in peace. Why did the discussion trigger me like that? I don't know fully, but the inklings I have are not ones I'd want to discuss on-line. (For the record I do not have any sexual "issues" -- not that it matters. I just don't want you to read anything into this post that's not there.) On the bright side, I did write a poem out of that traumatic home group experience though: Do Cry.

There were other cringe-worthy sex-related discussions in that church, some in home groups, some in women's meetings, some in other settings. Like all of the (IMHO invasive, suspicious, accusatory) questions you can ask your husband to keep him from straying with the cute chick across the church aisle. Ugh. I know they were trying to stem the tide of adultery in the church, but that was over the top. At least for me. We left two years ago and I know I left a piece of my heart behind because I love the people there even if the atmosphere was driving me crazy. But that is just part of my more complicated story there and anyway my story is just a small part of what I wanted to write today.

I write because I am concerned about the increasing sexualization of the church -- AND -- the increase of sexual abuse and troubled marriages within the church. I type with much trepidation. Frankly, I don't like to think about this subject in depth, much less write about it. But I know God gave me a voice to speak up and speak out and maybe it will make a difference for someone.  Now is the time.

So. Sex and the church. I know, I know. Churches face declining membership, and some of them are looking for ways to boost attendance. Sex sells. Piques interest. Fills the pews. (Yeah, with babies, too.) But in my opinion, sex talk doesn't belong in the pulpit, except in the most discreet of ways.

That said, what are several ways that church leaders can serve their congregations related to sexuality?

Take a long hard look at how sex and modesty are talked about in the church community. Don't sensationalize sex. And don't let someone who doesn't know what they are talking about get up and spout off about it in a public meeting. Let's stick to the spirit of what the Bible says. If a couple has specific sexual problems, they can find a good therapist, or one or both of them can seek out advice from a trusted friend of the same gender. Or they can read a decent Christian book about the subject.

Two pastors who I think have done it wrong:

• Mark Driscoll, the Seattle pastor who routinely discusses sex from the pulpit in crass and graphic terms, who reportedly has prophetic (cough, pornographic) visions of the sexual misconducts of his congregants, and who has, in my opinion, horrible attitudes toward the female gender -- see my article linked below. 
• Ed Young, Jr., who camped out with this wife on a huge bed on the roof of his church last year to promote their book about sex, titled, unsurprisingly, Sexperiment. Yeah, they really did call their publicity stunt a "Bed In"! They were going to stay up there for 24 hours, but called it off a bit early because of too much exposure. From the sun, not the media, that is. See Pastors with Sexpertise

It is also a new fad to liken the intimacy of our relationship with God to sexual intercourse, such as in the troubling blog post, Sex in the Shadowlands, by Mary Kassian of the Council of Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. Retha wrote a good response here: Gospel Sex?

On a related topic, watch how you talk about the topic of modesty. It is certainly an issue that can be discussed discretely among both genders separately, but it needs to be done right. Over-emphasis on a woman's responsibility to dress modestly objectifies and depersonalizes her, glosses over a man's responsibility for self-control by blaming the woman, and can cause a whole lot of uptight and neurotic harm for both genders.  See my recent article with links: Between the Burqa and the Bikini: A Call to Moderate Modesty.

Be sensitively aware of those in the church who have deep wounds from either sexual abuse or their own poor sexual choices. Most pastors do not have the professional expertise to deal with the more serious cases. Set your ecclesiastical pride aside and be prepared to refer your members to a qualified Christian therapist rather than trying to serve them "in house." If necessary, offer to pay for their counseling. Also, don't present sexual sin as something that is unforgivable or that makes you a second class citizen. Sexual purity is a good thing and we should guard it, but that's not what determines our worth. Christ redeems, renews, and washes us clean. People mess up big time, even Christian people, but should shame be what drives them away from the church?   Mercy triumphs over judgment. The same goes for people who are dealing with same sex attraction. You may not agree with the lifestyle, but the people behind it (some of them hurting deeply already) should find compassionate understanding and wisdom in the church.

Reevaluate what you think and say about gender and authority in families. I believe that many times sexual issues in a marriage are not caused by technique or by past history, but by poor communication and expectations related to "traditional" gender roles. And I think one of the main culprits in this is teaching in the church that can be construed to promote male dominance in the name of leadership. For example, take a husband who demands submission or acts aggressively toward his family instead of truly leading and protecting with humility and gentleness. His wife may be able to perform outwardly to try and pacify her husband -- and he might not even know the difference -- but heart level intimacy will be nearly impossible. Power struggles do not play well in the bedroom at any level. At the extreme, marital rape and BDSM behaviors are completely unacceptable. Even at the relatively minimal level, pervasive gender-based disrespect, domineering attempts at control, and verbal humiliation are also completely unacceptable.  

Churches, please teach equal partnership and mutual submission! 

If you know of a case of domestic violence or intimidation in your congregation, you need to stand by that dear woman and not just tell her to go back to her husband while merely praying for him and trying harder to submit sweetly! Give her courage, confront her abuser if it is safe to do so, follow up long-term and help her continue to stand firm, and as necessary, help her and the children get out of there! If you have to educate yourself about domestic violence ahead of time, do it, because you can't afford to be caught unprepared.

Read about domestic violence on this Watch the Shepherd blog series: Domestic Violence.

     Read these links on other sites:

• Towards an effective church response to domestic abuse
• The Church's Response to Domestic Violence
• Some Reflections, Just One Explanation, and Apologies by Jared Wilson (in light of the Doug Wilson male dominance & sexuality flap)
• 50 Shades of Complementarians by Wendy Horger Alsup 

Put an end to pedophilia by church attenders.  Three ways: 1. Keep children safe in nurseries, Sunday Schools and camp settings. There are ways to do this, including setting up strict procedures for who has access to children and making sure children are never alone with one adult. Read here: Child Sexual Abuse Prevention for Faith Communities. 2. Notify members when anyone with a history of pedophilia or sexual predation starts attending the church. Yes, we should minister to them (perhaps off-site?), while making sure they continue with professional therapy. BUT! We should not ever compromise the safety of the children. AND! 3. If you learn of a case of child molestation in your congregation, whether it was in a church function or in a family or other setting, you must (must! must!) alert proper government authorities and cooperate fully! You are not qualified to deal with this within the church. It needs a proper criminal investigation AND professional counseling for the victim. Your top priority is the safety and healing of the victim, not the reputation of the alleged perpetrator. And if you are really all that concerned about your reputation, keep in mind that in this digital age, if you screw up a child molestation case, your church will be forever tarnished when it finally comes to light. Deal with it right, and you'll stand a chance at real respect in the community. Prevent it from happening in the first place, and you will all be better off. I won't even start linking to all of the news stories on child molestation among church communities because I'd seriously be here all day, but here are two blog articles from The Wartburg Watch that have plenty of embedded links:

• The Real Doug Wilson Encouraged & Presided Over the Marriage of Serial Pedophile

• Sexual Offenders and Pedophilia in the Church 

Implement zero tolerance for sexual compromise by leaders, especially the abuse of pastoral "authority" in counseling situations.  Again, strict procedures will be a big help here, such as in the area of practical safeguards in counseling settings and youth ministry. Pastoral indiscretions need to be brought into the light, not shoved under the rug, and are grounds for immediate dismissal with no promise of reinstatement. Jack Schaap, an Independent Fundamental Baptist megachurch pastor in Indiana, was fired last week because of his alleged (and admitted) affair with a 16 year old girl who had come to him for counseling about sexual abuse.  See: IFB Megapastor Jack Schaap Fired for ‘Improper Relationship’ with a Teen and Ousted Pastor Jack Schaap’s Misogynistic Flap. I'm glad his church is taking swift and decisive action on this case, because it and the associated Hyles-Anderson College have decades of serious sexual scandal among leadership, as do many other IFB churches.  These Schaap links could just as well belong in two of the previous categories: pedophilia and gender teaching. The guy is seriously whacked. He vehemently stated it will be a cold day in hell before he gets his theology from a woman. Yet the Sunday before his ouster, he had preached a fiery sermon about teen promiscuity and admonished parents to send their adolescent girls to him for counseling. So much for his sound theology, at least as he practices it. It would be a cold day in hell before I ever let one of my girls near him. (Note in March 2013: Jack Schaap was just sentenced to 12 years in prison.  Not nearly long enough!)  

If you think I am exaggerating the problems of sexual abuse in religious organizations, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I just don't have time to dig up all of the other links about sexual scandals that I have read in the past year alone. Think Tony Alamo, or some of the "Christian" reform homes for wayward girls, or the Catholic priest molesting altar boy cover-up scandals or the missionary boarding schools or even Warren Jeffs and the FLDS. Yeah. It's out there. It's ugly. If you have been sexually abused by a pastor or other spiritual leader, please visit the Tamar's Voice web site.

[Note: After I wrote this post, I wrote another called Abuse Thrives in a Culture of Shame and Silence.  Please read!]

Wow. Deep breath.

That just took it out of me.

Dear sweet sisters, write me if you want to talk. I'm here. 

Dear sweet Jesus, have mercy on us all.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God." Philippians 1:9-11

Grace and peace,

Virginia Knowles

www.WatchTheShepherd.blogspot.com

P.S. For those of you who don't click links, the poem:

"Do Cry"by Virginia Knowles

Do cry
There is no shame
When teardrops fall as healing rain
Our Comforter who sees and knows
Collects them all in his bottle.
Do they mingle there with ancient tears of long ago?
Or far-flung ones around the globe?
I do not know, nor do I always know why I cry
Just that there is a deep welling up inside
Or perhaps a thorn prick of conscience
Or an oozing scrape of disappointment
Or a dagger thrust of insult
Or even the gashing grief of death
As blood flows, so do tears
But they are wiped away
By One who also binds up wounds.

Do cry
But not from indulgent self-pity
Or twisting others to comply
Cry to wash the soul
Turn the heart with fresh resolve
A firmness born from tenderness
Cry for justice, mercy
Mourn for suffering that is not your own
To hear the groans and seek to console
With the comfort you yourself have received
There is a blessing in brokenness
Do cry: then go on in love and joy and peace.

More here: Do Cry