Give Me Ears to Hear, Eyes to See, a Heart to Love

"Give me ears to hear, eyes to see..."

That's what I was thinking on the board walk at Blue Springs State Park.

I have only a half an hour, not nearly enough time for the extended exploring that I crave. 

I had been visiting with friends in Deltona, 45 minutes from my house, all afternoon. I would be meeting my daughter and her fiance a little later closer to home. Since I was still in Deltona, I wanted to squeeze in a little natural beauty when I could. It's kind of my thing: making the most of where I am when I'm there, not knowing when I'll be that way again.

I park my van and try to find a trail. Right next to the parking lot, I hear rustling. I turn to see an armadillo snuffling in the dirt for food. He (or she?) lets me quietly approach. 

After a few minutes of wandering, I find a boardwalk overlooking the river. Motion catches my eye. Can you see the squirrel peering around the tree? So elusive, I can only snap a dozen photos and hope one would find its focus.

Now can you see?

While trying to capture the squirrel with my lens, another swooshing sound piques my attention. The camouflaged owl perches on the branch, swiveling head to and fro, capturing the surroundings, yet seemingly oblivious to the potential dinner of squirrel. Must not be hungry?

Further down the boardwalk, a rotted and maybe burned out tree juts up.

What entire little worlds of insects and other tiny  animals dwell and thrive in what seems to be debris to me?

I peer down into the water. I see a long gray fish, but it barely appears on my camera. I snap the photo anyway. So much we don't clearly see beneath the surface at first glance.

Editing at home, adjusting the light, clarifying... Here it is.

This is better than the alligator. I see just the tip of the snout gliding along the surface of the water. Just the tip of the snout, but it is there, a silent witness to all that lurks beneath. There is always more than we see. Always. At one point the alligator turns, this time with only two eyes visible, staring right at me.

Blue Springs is famous for manatees, so I hope against hope to see one swimming, but no.... Then again? A mosaic manatee, beauty crafted from broken pieces.

The views from the boardwalk are beautiful, even if only for such a brief time. I am still trying to drink it all in. My motto: "Fill your soul with all good things, and let the beauty pour forth."

To fill the soul, we first need to notice.

Ears to hear? Bird song! I hit the video icon and slowly swivel to and fro to capture the music in the trees. Then I scurry back to my van because I have places to go, people to see. 

It isn't until I listen to the video later that I realize I must have hit the slo-mo instead. The first few seconds I hear cheerful chirping, and then... It's spooky. Weird. Intimidating. I think of how just this change of speed, or perception, makes all the difference in the atmosphere.

I had already been thinking back to my afternoon as I'd been ambling along the river. I had already been praying, "Give me ears to hear, eyes to see," knowing it wasn't just for the beauty around me.

It was for the broken, too. The world we hear as bird song may be to them a very scary place full of traumatic memories for those who have experienced domestic abuse, sexual abuse, or spiritual abuse. Someone has been messing with their mind, their soul, their core identity, and even their perception of God. They don't know what to think or who to believe. They don't know where to turn. It's not safe out there.

And this was once the case for one of the friends I had been visiting. I'd like to introduce you to her.

Valerie is a home schooling mother of 11. She lives in Wisconsin but was in Florida visiting family. I met her on Facebook first, then in person last year. She is a domestic violence advocate, because she is first of all a survivor. Her family has suffered horrifically, first at the hands of the one who abused them for decades, and then at the hands of their church, which shunned her for taking action to protecting her children and herself.

Valerie and our other friends and I spent that afternoon talking about advocating for those who have abused in various ways within churches and families. We agreed that we need to learn to notice when others are suffering, to pick up on the subtle little clues they might not readily admit. We must pay attention, because it's not always obvious. And then we must be there, with emotional and spiritual and practical support. Tragically, many churches are aware that something is wrong, but choose to either turn a blind eye and shove it under the carpet, or to add insult to injury by blaming, shaming, and pressuring the victim. They must learn to love well and not spout off ignorant rhetoric. I still need to learn to do that, too.

If you know me well, you know that this attentive advocacy is what I have been called to do as a lifetime pursuit. It's one reason I blog about spiritual and domestic abuse here at Watch the Shepherd, one reason I'm a student at Asbury Seminary, one reason why I'm a presence on Facebook (whether in public or in advocacy groups), and one reason I started the Empowering Christian Women Facebook page. 

Not everyone will understand this or appreciate it. I don't care. I'm here for the hidden ones. One by one. It spreads. Ripple effect and all.

"Give me ears to hear, eyes to see, a heart to love." 

Friends, I plead with you: Listen to the words that others are saying, and the words they aren't saying. Hear the stress in the voice, the whimper, the awkward pause, the sighs. Watch the body language, the facial expressions, the deflected glance. Keep an eye out for bruises, scratches, other unexplained injuries. Pay attention to their texts, their emails, their social media. The clues may be there. It's up to you to notice. It's up to you to care.

What to do? Be gentle. Be trustworthy. Be patient. Be safe. Be vulnerable about your own story, as appropriate. Be involved. Not nosy. Not intrusive. Not bossy. Not gossiping. Not judging or shaming or blaming.

Listen well. Listen again. Listen. Love listens.

Love well. Love with words. Love with deeds. Love again. Love always.

Let me know if you need help. I can connect you with information and support. You can also check out my resource page here: Domestic Violence. It has links to my own articles, as well as to other web sites. Here are several blog posts to get you started:

• Abigail's Story: Responses to Domestic Violence
• PTSD: Pain that Keeps on Giving While We Go on with Living
• Recognizing Pervasive, Poisonous Power in Marriage
• Five Things Home School Moms Should Know About Abusive Marriages
• The Bad Boy and the Angel
• Mara's Story: Anger After Abuse
• Why Couples Counseling is Not Recommended for Abusive Marriages, Even Christian Ones
• Psychological Socialism: Manipulating through Equalizing Blame
• When Abuse Leads to Cynicism
• Bonding and Bondage in Abusive Relationships

Here's some music for you: "Give Me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath.

Domestic Violence: What to Know and What to Do

Dear friends!

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month! Tomorrow evening, I am speaking at a small church (in a home) about how Christians can respond to domestic violence victims. To help prepare for that, I decided to update this list of my own blog posts on the topic (the blue and gray links), as well as other related web links (the brown links). 

I hope that this post will give you resources and courage to help yourself or someone else find safety and sanity. Please know that my heart and prayers are with you. I would be delighted to hear from you, so feel free to e-mail me.

If you are using a computer that others also use, and you need to visit web pages discretely for safety's sake, please stop for a moment consider whether you can proceed without undue risk. You may try using an incognito browser, but if somebody has placed keystroke tracking software on your computer, you are still at risk. Consider going to a friend's house or a public library to use a different computer.

On this page you will find links to articles on my own blogs and other sites, phone numbers, books, and Central Florida domestic violence centers. Please note that I do not endorse everything at these sites or by these organizations. I trust that you will use your own discretion. Also please note that many of the links within the blog posts may be obsolete, but the ones on this page should work.

Please realize that though I am using the phrase "domestic violence" in the blog post title, there are many more forms of domestic abuse beyond physical violence. These include coercion & threats, intimidation, emotional abuse (which includes spiritual abuse), isolation, minimizing / denying / blaming, using children, male privilege, and economic abuse.

It is also important to note that even if a situation seems calm at a given moment, there may still be a continuing "cycle of violence." It's not the abuse stops, but that the outward forms of it go dormant for a while. It is still an abusive relationship that can escalate at any time.

The sections in this blog post:

• Phone Numbers
• Domestic Abuse in Christian Marriages
• Domestic Violence Basics
• Practical Help & Safety Planning
• Counseling & the Psychology of Abuse
• How Christians & Churches Can Help Abuse Victims, Promote Mutual Respect, and Empower Women
• Dating Violence
• Domestic Violence and Children
• Central Florida Resources

Phone Numbers

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800)799-7233
• USA Domestic Abuse Hotline: (800)999-SAFE

Domestic Abuse in Christian Marriages

• Recognizing Pervasive, Poisonous Power in Marriage
• What to Do about Toxic Power in Marriage
• Five Things Home School Moms Should Know About Abusive Marriages
• The Bad Boy and the Angel
• Abigail's Story: Responses to Domestic Violence
• Elizabeth's Story: Domestic Violence in a Ministry Home
• Mara's Story: Anger After Abuse

• Flying Free Now - blog by Natalie Hoffman
• Sweeter on the Other Side
• Give Her Wings: Help and Healing After Abuse - this book by Megan Cox is her story of escaping an abusive marriage in which her husband was a pastor. 
• Black and White Bible, Black and Blue Wife: My Story of Finding Hope after Domestic Abuse book by Dr. Ruth A. Tucker (a seminary professor and noted author)
• Called to Peace

Domestic Violence Basics

• Domestic Violence Awareness Month with Leslie Vernick
• We Can't Ignore Domestic Violence

• National Domestic Violence Hotline
• Power and Control Wheel
• National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
• Cycle of Violence
• Information on Domestic Violence
• Faith Trust Institute
• Safe Havens Interfaith Partnership
• Futures Without Violence
• National Network to End Domestic Violence

Practical Help & Safety Planning

• Path to Safety: National Domestic Violence Hotline
• Personalized Safety Plan at DomesticViolence.org
• Safety Planning
• MOSAIC Method Threat Assessment
• NCADV Financial Education Webinars for DV Survivors
• Tech and Social Media Safety
• Domestic Violence Shelters (find one in your area)
• Apply for Medicaid (based on income and family size)
• The 4D's of Bystander Intervention: How to Make the World a Better Place
• Free Yourself from an Abusive Relationship: 7 Steps to Taking Back Your Life book by Andrea Lissette, M.A. and Richard Kraus, Ph.D.

Counseling & the Psychology of Abuse

• Why Couples Counseling is Not Recommended for Abusive Marriages, Even Christian Ones
• Psychological Socialism: Manipulating through Equalizing Blame
• When Abuse Leads to Cynicism
• Bonding and Bondage in Abusive Relationships

• 12 Reasons Why Couples Counseling Is Not Recommended When Domestic Violence Is Present
• Finding the Right Counselor for You
• Power and Control Wheel
• Trauma Bonding
• Gaslighting Technique
• Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men book by Lundy Bancroft which you may find at your public library. This is a wealth of information.
• The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond by Patricia Evans

How Christians & Churches Can 

Help Abuse Victims,

Promote Mutual Respect,

and Empower Women

The Power of a Christian Woman's Voice

• No Little Women (Poem from CBE17)
• International Women's Day: What Do You Stand For?
• Top 20 Very Best Things to Say to Someone Who is Struggling (Guest Post by Susan Moore) 
• War Room: Hope or Hype?
• My Thoughts on the Sexualization of the Church
• Naghmeh Abedini and Responding to Marital Abuse
• The Puritans, The Quakers, and Little Old Me
• If You Expect Real Respect...
• Abuse Thrives in a Culture of Shame and Silence

• Give Her Wings - this organization helps DV victims financially, and Megan Cox wrote a great book!
• No Place for Abuse: Biblical & Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence - book by Catherine Clark Kroger and Nancy Nason Clark
• Domestic Violence Expert Julie Owens - training available
• The Best Way to Save an Abuse Victim
• Why I Decided to Write About Domestic Violence 
• Confronting Domestic Violence with Love and Authority
• The Christian Coalition Against Domestic Abuse
• Focus Ministries Domestic Violence
• Christians for Biblical Equality (domestic violence)

Dating Violence

• Lynn's Story: A Dangerous Engagement
• To the Young Woman with Bruises

• Love is Respect
• Love is Respect: Dating Basics
• The Hidden Side of Dating Abuse (technology)
• Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN)

Domestic or Sexual Violence and Children

• Child Discipline or Child Abuse?

• Impact of Domestic Violence on Children and Youth
• Children and Domestic Violence
• The Effects of Domestic Violence on Children

Central Florida Resources 

• Safe House of Seminole: A confidential shelter for victims of domestic violence and their children, includes counseling, practical support, legal help, etc. 
• Harbor House (Orange County): Shelter for victims of domestic violence, includes counseling, practical support, legal help, etc. 
• Elizabeth House: Faith-based transitional home in Seminole County where victims and their children can stay for several months and receive supportive services.
• Kids House of Seminole Children's Advocacy Center: Help for families dealing with child abuse; friendly, non-threatening atmosphere; includes counseling, support, information on resources, referrals for substance abuse treatment, etc.
• Heart of Florida United Way 211: Extensive database of human services available in central Florida, such as financial assistance, shelters, counseling, etc. You can also dial 211 to get this information and a listening ear over the phone. (Note: I am an employee in the 211 call center.)

PTSD: Pain that Keeps on Giving While We Go on with Living

Dear friends,

Yesterday, I spontaneously posted the photo below on Facebook along with an analogy about PTSD. Despite the ugly photo, my words must have resonated, because as of this morning, it's been shared over 20 times, with many more likes and comments. That's not exactly viral by Internet standards, but I'm glad it's touched people.

On scars, triggers, and PTSD: In college, I was washing a Muppets promo glass from McDonald’s (remember those?) when it shattered and sliced an outer tendon of my left thumb joint. My roomie, who hated the sight of blood, rushed me to the ER and bravely sat with me while the surgeon repaired the damage. My hand was in a brace for six weeks - which made it nearly impossible to write since I’m a leftie. I had to take class notes with my right hand. Later, after the stitches came out, I had to do PT exercises to regain the use of my left hand. 

So, I’m all healed up, right? Well, except for the circular scar. And the constant numbness which I’ve learned to mostly ignore. And... Today, 35 years later, I was cleaning the toilet and bumped that edge of my hand. I shrieked! I may or may not have let a mild epithet fly. You see, though I don’t often consciously think of my hand injury, it’s still there! And if it gets bumped hard, which happens at least once a year, it’s quite painful! My hand is still throbbing a half hour later! 

It made me think of PTSD from emotional wounds. Some people think that if a traumatic incident happened a long time ago, and the time of crisis has passed, that it’s a done deal. It’s not. The person may not think of it as often or seem as deeply affected as more time goes on, but then what looks like a trivial trigger pops up and WHAM! Aaagh! I myself had an ugly cry just last night when a painful memory resurfaced. It took me a little while - and half a box of Kleenex - to find my calm again. And there is nothing wrong with that at all. 

So folks, just think about that when you are talking to or about trauma survivors, OK? Don’t chide them for not being OVER IT already. Their pain might make you uncomfortable and you may not want to deal with it. You want them to stuff it so you can’t see it. But like my squeamish roommate, love sits with the wounded. Even when the trauma rears its ugly head weeks, months, years, or even decades later. Let them own their pain. Create space for them to grieve and re-heal. And learn to be gentle with yourself too.

#metoo #PTSD #trauma #CreateSpace #empathy #innerhealing #tenderspots

~*~*~

So here are my followup thoughts to the original post:

PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is the pain that keeps on giving. I know it because I have lived it, though fortunately it does not still bother me that often or that intensely.

I do totally understand about moving on and releasing bitterness, not wallowing in negativity or being crippled by shame or anger or depression. This is not about that. It's about what happens when you are taking the necessary steps to recover your wholeness, but the pain keeps popping back up at unexpected times. It's about giving ourselves grace and not allowing this to suck us back into the dark vortex. 

When the painful memories resurface, this inner voice in our souls can whisper, "You'll never be free. You may as well just give up. You are doomed to a life of mental torture and it will destroy your physical health, too." 

Then we can, with practice and support and emerging courage, reply, "The pain will come and I'll deal with it when it does, with the help of God and the knowledge I have received and the support of wise people who care. I have decided that my past won't stop me from building my healthy new future. That story was not the last chapter in my book, and I'm choosing a happier ending."

And when that pain comes again and again and again, we don't take it as a verdict that we have failed in recovery. Instead, we deal with it, pick up our broken pieces, stick them back in place the best we can (gently!), and keep moving. I know it's much more complex than that, but this is the simple mental picture I use when I'm in the middle of it. 

Maybe our coping strategies aren't the optimal ones yet.  Maybe they are hurting more than they are helping. We can assess that as we go along and make the necessary adjustments. We learn more and we seek help to do whatever it takes to move forward, treat the root causes, and not just mask the pain.

This is what resilience is all about. It's not that we won't face obstacles, because we always will - whether it is old ones or new ones. It's that we rise to meet these challenges as courageously as we can. We might be "quaking in our boots" but I reckon we can walk and quake at the same time.

Two poems from my heart:


"Pilgrimage and Jubilee"
by Virginia Knowles

It’s been a long road
And I’ve traveled the valley of the shadow.
But I write as a free woman
Still with earthy bonds, yes
But able to rise above and go beyond.

We are called to the dignity
Of the Image of God.
We are called to walk the path
Of peace and glory.
We are called to hear the holy echo:
"Proclaim liberty throughout the land!"
So let us rise, strong and free.

Mine is the story of pilgrimage and jubilee.

~ and ~

"Lift Up Your Head and Laugh"
by Virginia Knowles

“Lift up your head and laugh!”
He spoke as a prophet.
But what did he know those thirty odd years ago?
What did he know of my future?
I was still so young then
With only a taste of raw and broken
And visions of a whole life open before me
Certainly not knowing quite what to expect
But with dreams and plans nonetheless:
Happily ever after with maybe
A few little bumps along the way…
Why not? And why not laugh?
Life could be, would be, one grand adventure.

It’s been a rather curious life indeed
This grand adventure of mine.
Now I shake my head and laugh
At myself, at how I clung to so much
That prickled and burned and then gave way.
Yet mysteries and marvels
Came to me when least expected
Laughter mixed with tears and sighs
And more than a few bumps along the way
So much good and so much grief mingled in
So much for dreams and plans!
A worthwhile journey still,
Just not how I thought it would be.

It’s not just me, I know
I watch the world walking by
And I try to understand, wonder
Where it is going: out and about
And home again, home again
A million silent stories walking by
A million mingling stories of mourning and mirth.

I have lived long and learned much
And I find myself speaking to the young ones
With their whole lives open before them
The words of the timeless sage
Thirty hundred years ago:
“There is a time for everything…
A time to weep and a time to laugh.”
They have seen me weep, and I will weep again.
But for now, I will lift up my head and laugh.

~*~*~

I've written a lot more encouragement, trauma-related information, and poetry on three of my blogs. Here are the links I think will fill a need to those reading today.

Inspirational posts from my blog This Mom Grows Up:

• Resilience
• Treasures in Jars of Clay
• Stones of Hope and Joy
• When Life is Not a Bowl of Cherries
• Knowing That She Hath Wings
• Kaleidoscope
• Melancholy
• Hidden Treasures from Dark Places

Posts related to trauma from Watch the Shepherd:

• Guest Post by Susan Moore: Top 20 Very Best Things to Say to Someone Who is Struggling
• A Clump of Sadness :: Suicide Prevention Week
• Moving on from Broken - My Church and Life Transition Story
• Kyrie Eleison (Strength in Hymn)
• What to Do about Toxic Power in Marriage
• Five Things Home School Moms Should Know About Abusive Marriages
• When Abuse Leads to Cynicism
• Mara's Story: Anger After Abuse

Poems from my blog Virginia's Life, Such as It Is:

• Pilgrimage and Jubilee
• Lift Up Your Head and Laugh
• Shimmer and Shadow
• The Harp in the Willow
• Your Kindness Gave Me Courage
• Disentangle
• This is Where I Am in Time
• What I Have Seen
• And Now I See

~*~*~

Can I just say how much I appreciate those who have been so faithful to educate about trauma and PTSD? I am immensely grateful to the resources that survivors and their allies have online, in print materials, and in face-to-face support groups. We need to fully realize what is going on inside and how to best care for those affected by trauma. 

It is my goal this spring and summer to research more about wisely caring for other people. I want to be one who help them move toward healing and fulfillment and success in life, just as I am trying to do in my own life.

One of the books I plan to buy soon is Suffering and the Heart of God: How Trauma Destroys and Christ Restores by Dr. Diane Langberg. I'd love to hear what other resources you have found helpful. Please leave a comment!

That's about all for now!

I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Shalom,
Virginia