Showing posts with label Full Quiver. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Full Quiver. Show all posts

Monday, April 21, 2014

On Patriarchy, Scandal, Abuse... and Grace

My 10 children and two not-picture-happy grandsons
(and two more grandsons yet to be born)
in an impromptu family photo on Easter 2014
Dear friends,

My heart is very weary these days reading stories about scandal in churches, religious organizations, and families. So much going on, and nothing really surprises me anymore. For years, I have been researching abuse of spiritual authority. On the one hand, I am glad that darkness is being brought to light and families are being released from bondage of many sorts. Still, I am saddened to hear of all who have been so wounded by errant religious leaders who preached what they did not practice. 

So many of my loved ones have been hurt, especially by the patriarchy movement that has been popular among large home schooling families like mine. This hits way too close to home. I also get lot of e-mails from people who read my blogs, and I can tell you, the damage is deep and wide. I grieve.

My angst is not just about the allegations of sexual misconduct. It is about legalistic and hypocritical teaching that has destroyed families.  It's not just Doug Phillips, but men like Bill Gothard, Doug Wilson, C.J. Mahaney, and Mark Driscoll. I greatly respected them, even put them on pedestals. I regret that now. I sincerely apologize to any of you who started following their teaching because of anything I wrote. At the bottom of this post, there is a whole slew of links for you on some of the problems caused by patriarchal leaders and organizations. This is just a fraction of what is out there.

I love Jesus. I love people. This is not about gossiping or being bitter or judgmental. It is about setting people free and helping them move toward wholeness. I hate authoritarian abuse. I hate religious legalism. I hate the hypocrisy of those who vehemently preach one thing and flagrantly practice the opposite. Yet I was part of this, to a certain extent, even if mainly by association. I am a mother of 10 who became an eager participant in the full quiver / home education movement over 25 years ago after reading Mary Pride's books. This was my life. I read about it, tried to live it, promoted it. I love my 10 kids. I love home schooling. That is not the problem. It's how I did it because of who I allowed to influence me.  I am so sorry for the damage that my own children suffered because of this. I am so grateful, by the grace of God, that we are all still very close, and that everyone is somehow pulling through in their own ways. I've heard some of them say, "We're not doing everything quite the way you did," and I, with relief, say, "That's a very good thing!"

We still have a long way to go. I woke on Easter morning with so much on my mind, so many struggles and failures and unmet expectations. On top of my troubled thoughts, I hadn't slept well and I still had so much to do before family came over in the afternoon. I usually fix a decent Easter breakfast with eggs and such, but yesterday, I was so overwhelmed that I just didn't.  I was all "pickles and prickles" as we got ready for church. In the van, I realized that none of my five younger children had even taken the time to grab a bowl of cereal. (Oh, bad Mommy! Wait. Not! That one's on them, and they didn't even care about it! It's a good thing our church sets out granola bars...) Such a small thing among the bigger ones.  

In the midst of my Easter fluster, I appreciated my pastor reminding us that we still live in a fallen "Good Friday" world, and that we need the resurrection story every day. I know I do! I was also glad to hear him affirm how much Jesus did to overthrow patriarchal attitudes toward women by welcoming them into his ministry and opposing those who tried to oppress them. When he rose from the dead, he called Mary Magdalene by name and sent her out as the first witness of his resurrection in a culture which did not even allow the testimony of a woman in court. Jesus valued women. He values me. He values you, whether you are male or female, old or young, rich or poor, weak or strong... 

Please, dear sisters and brothers, if you are reading this, wherever you are, whatever has happened or is happening in your life, please find your grace and liberty and healing. There may be some things that you need to let go and other things you need to embrace. It is sometimes crazy scary, but it will be worth it.

 If you like what you see in this post, considering subscribing to this blog using subscribe options in the sidebar.

Finally, here are some general links from my blogs, and then some about Doug Phillips and Bill Gothard on other sites.

On my blogs:



Other blogs and news sites...

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Thursday, July 28, 2011

My History in the Conservative Quiverfull Home Schooling Movement: An Introduction to the Gender and Authority Series



Dear friends,


I've been posting articles and web links for my series on Gender & Authority this past week, and just compiled them all into the July edition of my Hope Chest e-magazine which is sent to about 950 families around the world.  This is the introduction I gave to those who don't know me, and I thought it would serve well as an introduction to the blog series, too...





As most of you know, I am a home schooling mom of 10 children, ages (almost) 6 to 24.  My oldest daughter is married with a one year old son and expecting her second baby in February; she is a writer for Wycliffe Bible Translators.  To care for her son, she works from home two days a week, splits shifts with her husband the other three days, and gets a little extra help from me and a family friend. My second daughter works full time in an office and is engaged to be married this fall; she and her fiance have both been active in mission trips to Bolivia.  My third daughter starts nursing school at UCF next month.  My fourth daughter is a Disney World photographer and a student at Valencia Community College.  Both my third and fourth daughters spent three months in Italy earlier this year helping missionaries with outreach through teaching English in the community.  They are now living at home again while they are in college.  My fifth daughter returns to public high school for her junior year this fall; she had a very successful and happy year there. The younger five children, in first through ninth grades, will continue in our home school; this year we are rejoining the Providence co-op after a year off and I will be teaching 7th-8th grade English (with an strong emphasis on Bible and missions) as I have in the past.  I have been home schooling my children for about 20 years, and learning about it for 25.   (Update in 2014: Two more grandsons on the way. Third daughter is now an RN.  More kids in public school this past year. Teaching in a private Christian school.  One home schooled next year.)

That's because shortly after Thad and I married in the mid 1980’s, we moved to Maryland, where we joined a conservative yet contemporary church that was filled with large home schooling families.  One of my earliest mentors in marriage and motherhood was a sweet lady named Vickie Botkin, whose husband was our home group leader.   Vickie taught me how to make log cabin quilts in her sewing room.  She continually modeled a heart of simplicity and contentment to me.   She is a lot more well known now than then. Victoria (as she is now called) is the wife of Geoff Botkin, and mother of seven young adult children.  The books, audios and DVDs that the Botkin family produces are published by Vision Forum.  Probably the best known of these are the Elizabeth and Anna Sophia Botkin’s book So Much More and their DVD Return of the Daughters. (I own both, read & reviewed the book years ago, and watched the DVD.  I may eventually write more about them, but no promises.)  Back then, one of the books that either Vickie or of our friends introduced me to was The Way Home by Mary Pride.  Then I read the sequel All the Way Home when it came out in 1989.   For about a decade, I subscribed to and wrote articles for Pride’s magazines HELP, Big Happy Family, and Practical Home Schooling.  (For a 2009 update from Mary Pride, please read her article Patriarchy, Meet Matriarchy.) About 20 years ago, I also started subscribing to Above Rubies Magazine by Nancy Campbell.  I have attended several three or four of her retreats (and helped organize one of them), written many articles for her magazine, and have had many personal conversations with her either while driving her to the airport or when she would call me on the phone with her delightful New Zealand accent.  I also read and posted on Teri Maxwell's very conservative Titus 2 Mom's web board for quite some time.


All this to say, I was quickly and deeply drawn into the “full quiver” (large family) and home schooling lifestyle that my new friends and Mary Pride’s and Nancy Campbell’s books and magazines espoused. I don’t regret that at all.  I wouldn’t trade any one of my 10 kids for anything!  And I love home schooling them!  I was still in my twenties when my oldest officially started kindergarten and I’ll be nearly 60 when my youngest graduates from high school.  That’s quite an investment in my own family, but I have also written home schooling books and published an e-magazine for the past 13 years.  


My husband Thad is also very involved in our children's educations through working with me on curriculum planning and record keeping, tutoring them, taking them on field trips, chauffeuring them to classes, working out dual enrollment in college, encouraging me to keep going strong, and of course, paying $$$ for everything!  With the older ones who are beyond home schooling, he helps coordinate college and scholarship applications,  overseas travel arrangements, car purchase and maintenance, wedding plans, financial planning and other adult life skills.  :-)  Kudos, Thad!  You are quite the veteran dad!

But back to the theme of this month's e-magazine... As the years have rolled by and I have closely observed the full quiver / home schooling movement and where it’s gone, I’ve seen some disturbing out workings in certain segments of it, especially relating to gender and authority.  Anything good can be distorted, sometimes very badly.  The ones who seem to suffer most are the moms and the daughters.  I’m certainly not the only one who has taken notice, hence the Manifesto and three book reviews I will share in this issue.   A little later, in the second review, I will share more on why I wrote this blog series. 

The other recent posts in this series, which I included in the e-magazine, are:


I would love to hear your thoughts.  Leave me a comment on this blog post or any of the others, or feel free to send me an e-mail!  Please note that I do not have the time or inclination for extended debates.  :-)

Blessings,
Virginia Knowles

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Monday, July 25, 2011

Web Links about Parenting with Grace Instead of Authoritarian Legalism

"Maternal Kiss" by Mary Cassatt, 1896
This post is part of my new series on Gender & Authority.  Most of these links to other web sites are not gender-based, but they all talk about raising children with grace and love instead of authoritarian legalism or emotional abuse.  Some of them also address the problems with the patriarchal (aka patriocentric or father-centered family) edge of the home schooling movement, as well as related marriage issues.  


So far, my other posts in the Gender & Authority series are:


My other related posts on this blog:

    The rest of these links are for other web sites that I have found helpful.  I do not endorse everything you may find on these sites or even in the linked posts.  I trust that you will read with your own discernment.  I recommend that if you plan to visit several of these sites that you open each one in a separate tab and then read them in turn.

    Recovering Grace - I can't tell you how delighted I am to see this new web site!  I had wanted to address the legalism and subsequent emotional damage within Bill Gothard's Institute of Basic Life Principles and Advanced Training Institutes organizations.  I have seen a lot written about it here and there on the web, but I knew it would take too much research and time for me to round all of it up!  Now I can just give you a link where "a Gothard generation shines light on the teachings of IBLP and ATI" and gives "personal testimonies of finding true freedom through God's matchless grace." As a personal note, Thad and I attending an IBYC conference (name changed later to IBLP) before we got married, and maybe once afterward.  We still have the big red book and some of the other resources around here, and though we never really attempted to implement them specifically, I think the concepts did influence our thinking. 


    Finding Healing from Disillusionment by Elizabeth Wyse Cook (guest post on www.quiveringdaughters.com) -- life after working for Bill Gothard 

    Resolved2Worship  At age 19, she married a man (ten years older) who was raised in an authoritarian home that was heavily influenced by a legalistic organization which is not named on the blog but I suspect is Gothard's ATI program.  It took many years for them to establish a healthy family life due to his parents' interference.   Now with several children of their own, their testimony in the "Our Love Story" series is one of God's grace and sovereignty through it all.  Besides that, her photos of her children and nature are absolutely gorgeous and fun.

    Two sites dedicated to addressing problems with the BabyWise and Growing Kids God's Way resources by the Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo.  I remember taking issue with this stuff about 15 years ago since it seemed so rigid.  In the case of young babies and feeding on schedule, the program came under fire from medical professionals for causing Failure to Thrive in infants.  There is a ton of info at these web sites...
    Tulip Girl also has a series on the serious problems in Michael and Debi Pearl's To Train Up a Child and No Greater Joy resources.  

    • Tulip Girl's Pearl/TTUOC Posts

    (As you may remember, it was a Pearl "discipline" related child death that caused me to write Child Discipline or Child Abuse? last year.)

    I Take Joy with Sally Clarkson

    ThatMom with Karen Campbell

    And an encouraging and balanced word from Mary Pride in 2009 as a follow up to her books The Way Home and All the Way Home:
    Patriarchy, Meet Matriarchy


    Please let me know which of these links and sites are most useful for you!  If any don't work, please tell me that, too, so I can fix or delete them as necessary.


    If you have any links that you would like to consider adding to this post, please send them along.  And check back for updates!


    Blessings,
    Virginia Knowles
    ww.ComeWearyMoms.blogspot.com

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    Saturday, July 16, 2011

    When Sparrows Fall by Meg Moseley (A Review)

    Dear friends,

    I am jealous.  I can’t write long fiction.  Sure, I’ve written two non-fiction books, but the most fiction I can concoct is a short story.  It boggles me how anyone can craft an entire novel out of a story, weaving the plot in and out, this way and that.  It's like creating ex nihilo, out of nothing. How can they take a twisted and tragic tale and turn it on its tail into redemption and hope?  How can they get me to suck in my breath like that, or coax my tears to dribble down?  And keep doing it for 337 pages?  I just can’t do it.   Meg Moseley can.  And Meg Moseley is now the object of my envy.

    Actually, I was guilty of coveting before I even read Meg Moseley’s novel When Sparrows Fall.  It was on my wish list, waiting for me to buy it, waiting for some extra book money.  My sister, well, she already had it on her Nook.   Hmmph.  But my sister is kind, and decided to buy me a copy, too, because she believes in its message and wanted to share it with me.  We’re very different, but in this we are alike.  Sisters are like that sometimes.  Oh, and I should say my sister is an aspiring novel writer, too, with a few full length manuscripts to her credit.  Pffft.   I can’t do it.  I’ll stick to non-fiction.  Like this little book review.

    By now you’re wondering when I’ll actually tell you more about Meg’s book, other than to hint about tragedy and redemption.  We’re getting there, honey!  Hang on!

    Not all of us can write novels, but we each have a story.  Miranda, the protagonist of When Sparrows Fall, certainly has one, but she’s not owning up to all of it.   Maybe that’s because she doesn’t feel she even owns her own life.   In her adult years, her decisions have all been made for her either by her late husband or her pastor, both domineering men who use fear and legalistic religion to control others.  The outside world has always been painted as ungodly and dangerous, so her family has lived in near isolation, like birds in a glass cage.   Now she’s a widow left with six young children, a log cabin in the woods, archaic books for home schooling, and her faithful old camera.  She wants to rebuild her life, but where to start?  And what happens when she suddenly can’t do anything for her children or herself, and she has to depend on the kindness of a stranger?  How can she trust this half-brother-in-law Jack Hanford, whom she has only met once and whose life is so worldly compared to her own?   How can she counter the spiritual abuse of Mason Chandler?  And how can she keep her secrets buried, her children protected, her sanity intact?

    This is not just the story of Miranda.  It is the story of countless hidden women and children who are held in spiritual and emotional bondage by those who claim to have their best interests at heart.  This is the story of coming into one’s own, of finding the life of liberty, truth, grace, beauty, and love that we are all meant to enjoy.  That is a story we all share.

    God sees when sparrows fall.  And in this case, he gently picks one up, puts a song in its heart, touches its wings with strength, and releases it into the glories of flight.

    ~*~*~

    bioWho is Meg Moseley?  You can read more about her at her web site, http://www.megmoseley.com/ and her blog, http://megmoseley.wordpress.com/,but for starters, she was a home school mom for over 20 years.  She has three grown children and lives in Georgia.  She once worked in a candle factory.  She rides motorcycles. That’s another thing I don’t do, but I don’t envy that one.   Meg wants you to understand the importance of fairy tales in a child’s life. And she wants you to think deeply enough to care about women who are oppressed in the name of religion.  If you’re of the mind to share books and thoughts with ones you love, Meg included a Reader’s Guide of 14 thought-provoking questions at the end.   My question for you fellow mommies is, “Who you can reach out to with a helping hand and words of truth and grace?” Because sometimes, you’re the one he uses to tend to his wee sparrows.

    ~*~*~

    “Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” Luke 12:6-7

    “How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young— a place near your altar, O LORD Almighty, my King and my God. Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you.  Selah Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion.”  Psalm 84:1-7


    You might also like to read my 2008 blog post, His Eye is on the Sparrow. It’s not fiction, but it is my story of a little bird.  Oh, and some music, too: a contemporary rendition by CeCe Winans and Lauryn Hill of the grand old spiritual “His Eye is on the Sparrow.”   Go ahead!  Click it!


    ~*~*~



    This review is my second in a series on gender, authority, and abuse. You can read the first one at Quivering Daughters by Hilary McFarland (A Review)


    Why this series?  The theme of emotional, spiritual and physical abuse has ranked really high on my radar in the past few years.  I wish I could say this is just because I read a lot, but unfortunately, I have known far too many dear people who are painfully affected by these problems in their own homes and churches. Their stories haunt me.  At times, there is really not much I can do for them but to encourage them, offer resources, and pray.  But there is something more I can do to keep it from happening to other families.  I can write.  Maybe not fiction, but I can write!  So I have joined a growing cadre of bloggers who are addressing this issue, especially as it relates to home schooling, parenting, marriage, and church.  I have written a number of articles touching lightly on aspects of these subjects, such as Help for Hurting Marriages.  However, my first major direct foray into this realm was my article Child Discipline or Child Abuse? which I wrote last year after Lydia Schatz, an adopted child, was beat to death by her home schooling parents who had been reading child discipline books by Michael Pearl.  That post received thousands of page hits in the first few weeks, and nearly 18 months later it is still getting daily visitors.  However, just this past week, it was time for another heart-rending post, this time about Sovereign Grace Ministries, our former church denomination, in the wake of its current turmoil about abuse of authority.  You can read it here: My Thoughts on CJ Mahaney and Sovereign Grace Ministries. That blog post, like the other, has received thousands of visitors from all over the world.   It’s been a really long and wearying week for me, rethinking and responding and rewriting.  Much praying, too.  I posted the sequel this morning here: My Recommendations for CJ Mahaney and SGM (From the Cheap Seats!) 

     

    Please pray for the writers and speakers addressing abuse issues wherever they are found.   I can’t go into all the details of the challenges we face, but this is a critical time for us.  We are just ordinary people, seeking to be used by God “for such as time as this.”


    Blessings,
    Virginia Knowles
    www.ComeWearyMoms.blogspot.com 
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    Quivering Daughters by Hilary McFarland (A Review)

    Dear friends,

    I am preparing to compile an issue for my Hope Chest e-magazine on the theme of gender and authority, especially as it relates to the home schooling movement.   Looking at the outline of what I want to cover, it seems like a gargantuan task.  But you know what they say about how to eat an elephant don’t you?  One bit at a time, right?  So here is my first bite, a book review, the first of several on the theme of gender and authority.   Today’s review is of Quivering Daughters – Hope and Healing for the Daughters of Patriarchy.   The next two will be the novel When Sparrows Fall by Meg Moseley and the book Submission is Not Silence: Boldness from a Quiet Spirit by Elisabeth Julin.  After that, Grace-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel, which is not specifically about gender and authority, but still has much to say.  Later on, as I have time, I hope to write reviews of When Life and Beliefs Collide: How Knowing God Makes a Difference (my subtitle for it would be, “Why Women Should Study Theology for Themselves”) and Half the Church: Recapturing God’s Global Vision for Women by Carolyn Custis James.

    As most of you know, I am a home schooling mom of 10 children, ages 5 to 24.  My oldest daughter is married with a young son, and my second one is engaged to be married this fall.  I have been home schooling my children for about 20 years, and observing the movement even longer than that.  

    Shortly after Thad and I married in the mid 1980’s, we moved to Maryland, where we joined a conservative yet contemporary church that was filled with large home schooling families.  One of my earliest mentors in marriage and motherhood was a sweet lady named Vickie Botkin, whose husband was our home group leader.   Vickie taught me how to make log cabin quilts in her sewing room.  She continually modeled a heart of simplicity and contentment to me.   She is a lot more well known now than then.   Victoria (as she is now called) is the wife of Geoff Botkin, and mother of seven young adult children.  The books, audios and DVDs that the Botkin family produces are published by Vision Forum.  Probably the best known of these are the Elizabeth and Anna Sophia Botkin’s book So Much More and their DVD Return of the Daughters.  Back then, one of the books that either Vickie or of our friends introduced me to was The Way Home by Mary Pride.  Then I read the sequel All the Way Home when it came out in 1989.   For about a decade, I subscribed to and wrote articles for Pride’s magazines HELP, Big Happy Family, and Practical Home Schooling.  About 20 years ago, I also started subscribing to Above Rubies Magazine by Nancy Campbell.  I have attended several three or four of her retreats (and helped organize one of them), written many articles for her magazine, and have had many personal conversations with her either while driving her to the airport or when she would call me on the phone with her delightful New Zealand accent.  All this to say,  I was quickly and deeply drawn into the “full quiver” (large family) and home schooling lifestyle that my new friends and Mary Pride’s and Nancy Campbell’s books and magazines espoused.  I don’t regret that at all.  I wouldn’t trade any one of my 10 kids for anything!  And I love home schooling them!  I was 28 when Mary officially started kindergarten, I am 47 now, and I’ll be 59 when Melody graduates from high school.  That’s quite an investment in my own family, but I have also written home schooling books and published an e-magazine for the past 13 years.  I’m in deep and I’m in for the long haul.

    As the years have rolled by and I have closely observed the full quiver / home schooling movement and where it’s gone, I’ve seen some disturbing out workings in certain segments of it, especially relating to gender and authority.  Anything good can be distorted, sometimes very badly.  The ones who seem to suffer most are the moms and the daughters.  I’m certainly not the only one who has taken notice, hence the book reviews I will share over the next month or so.


    Now Available!The first book is Quivering Daughters – Hope and Healing for the Daughters of Patriarchy by Hilary McFarland.  The quickest way to introduce this book is to give you a paragraph from the back cover: “Homeschooling. Large families.  Biblical womanhood. Quiverfull.  The Christian partriarchy movement promises parents a legacy of godly children – if they adhere to specific Biblical principles.  But what happens when families who abandon “the world” for ”the Biblical home” leave hearts behind, too?  For many wives and daughters, the Christian home is not always a safe place.  Scripture is used to manipulate.  God is used as a weapon.  And through spiritual and emotional abuse, women who become “the least of these” within Biblical patriarchy experience deep wounds that only God can heal… Written by the firstborn in a homeschooling family of eleven children, Quivering Daughters – Hope and Healing for the Daughters of Patriarchy biblically examines the fruits of authoritarian, religious families and shows women the real way home – to the grace, heart, and love of God.” 

    It’s not a polished or tightly edited book, and I didn’t necessarily agree with everything Hilary had to say, but the remembrances and insights in it are both profound and heart rending.  And yes, I’ve seen “in real life” among my own acquaintances what she has recounted on the pages of this book.  The gist of it is that full quiver and/or home schooling both attract, enable, and even create parents who have twisted views on family dynamics, roles, and authority.   Under the guise of “living by Scripture” the lifestyle becomes a means of very unscriptural control and abuse. 

    Women (wives and growing daughters) can become doormats who have no rights, no opinions, no identities, no voices of their own.   As just one example, girls in these families are often denied the opportunity to obtain a proper education and marketable job skills under the assumption (and often  demand) that they go straight from being a completely dependent daughter to a being a completely dependent (young) wife and mother.  Their days are filled with an inequitable share of household (and often old-fashioned labor-intensive homestead) chores and taking care of a steady stream of younger siblings and their (often) pregnant mother.  They are not given sufficient time to rest, to think, or to develop their own gifts and talents.  If they object to this, they are labeled as rebellious, with even stricter measures put in place to ensure conformity.  In some cases, they are thrown out of the family home and banned from future contact so that they won’t “pollute” younger siblings with their anarchist ideas.  Young women are sometimes pressured into marrying “like minded” young men after their fathers arrange tightly controlled courtships or betrothals.  The families are often isolated geographically and technologically from the larger world, so there is little support when they are struggling and little outside perspective to remind them that THIS IS NOT NORMAL even when they are being told by others in their religious circles that it is. 

    Even their churches can play into the dysfunction by excusing, denying, condoning, hiding, and/or blaming the victim, for serious cases of domestic violence and even sexual abuse within the home.  Additionally, churches can add to the burden by imposing rigid lifestyle rules that are manmade but that claim to be mandates from God for godly living.  Members are shamed and manipulated if they do not fully comply.  So there is a complicating dynamic of spiritual abuse in the church as well as in the family. 

    What a contrast from the liberty, grace and joy that we are supposed to find in Jesus Christ!  No wonder so many young people are bolting away, leaving behind not only the damaging aspects of their religious upbringing, but their faith in God at all.  A quick look on the Internet will yield plenty of blogs by home schooled young adults and disenchanted home school moms to prove it.  I am not surprised.  If an earthly father is despotic and unbalanced, it is such a hindrance to trusting their heavenly Father.  If the Bible is used to demean and degrade and bind, rather than to nurture and liberate and equip, why would they want to believe it?  This is a tragedy.  The original goal of raising a family to glorify God becomes a bitter mockery.

    Please don’t hear what I am not saying.  I don’t think it’s wrong for daughters to help out in a family in appropriate ways.  Sometimes this will be more intense for a short season of time, but it should not consume their whole lives and stunt their futures.  And certainly husbands and fathers bear a responsibility of leadership and protection for their families.  But they should not function as family dictators, expecting unquestioning obedience and subservience, and exerting control with harshness.   The example that Jesus lived out for us is to lead by laying down our own lives in humble service.  I wish I could tell you everything I learned from Hilary’s book, but those are a few of the concepts she covers.  She shares stories from her own life, as well as from other young women.  She quotes from research and books on spiritual and emotional abuse in churches and families, and abundantly laces her paragraphs with relevant passages from the Bible.  I love some of her charts, such as the difference between authoritative parenting and authoritarian parenting.  Even though she is obviously upset about the damage done in families like the one in which she was raised, she does not come across as bitter and she is not encouraging other young women to rebel or reject their families.  Her goal is to bring perspective and healing, and the knowledge that they are not alone and that something can be done.  Comfort and empowerment abound in this book. 

    As a mother of a large family, I was convicted by much of what Hilary McFarland.  I have apologized many times to my daughters for placing an unnecessary burden on them for so many years, and, for one season of their lives, for attempting to impose particularly legalistic and self-righteous standards on them.  We live and learn, don’t we?  Hopefully, books like Hilary’s can prevent many families from even “going there” in the first place, and can help others to repent and change.

    Want to explore more?

    Hilary’s blog: www.quiveringdaughters.com
    New to QD?  Start here! http://www.quiveringdaughters.com/p/new-start-here.html
    Other reviews: http://www.quiveringdaughters.com/p/what-others-are-saying-about-quivering.html
    Read the first chapter of the book: http://www.quiveringdaughters.com/p/read-excerpt.html

    My related blog post:  A Word About Our Children’s Future Families

    And a radio edition of a tragic story by a daughter who lived in an extreme case of abuse by a home schooling father:  Unshackled – The Story of Elishaba Speckles

    Blessings,
    Virginia Knowles
    www.ComeWearyMoms.blogspot.com
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