Joyful Liberty!

Dear friends,

I shared this testimony in the first part of my presentation "Amazing Grace for Home School Moms."  This is an excerpt of my speaking notes, but I added to it when I actually spoke.

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About four years ago, through a series of circumstances, I really felt like God was clearly telling me it was time to turn around and face the past so that I could change my future. I could think of several areas of life where he might want to be working on me, but I was waiting to see what he was going to bring before me because I knew it wasn't my place to go digging around. There were several times over the course of the summer when he brought certain things to mind through providential conversations, books, and church meetings. Sometimes this was really uncomfortable for me.


Then early on a summer morning, I was lying in bed contemplating my spiritual life and the Lord graciously gave me a vision in the shape of a heart. In this heart there were layers and layers of debris that had been gathering there for  decades past, rising up to a crusted layer on top. I saw myself walking on the surface of this hard crust, just surviving daily life and not experiencing the fullness of what God had planned for me. Then I saw springs of living water flowing up powerfully from the very depths to wash away the debris, break through that crust, and bring me authentic joy and abundant life, the fullness of what he had for me!  I knew this vision came as a gracious gift from God. I worshiped him for his mercy in spite my failures which I knew were many.


Over the next few years, God used this experience and others like it to knock a lot of self-righteous chips off my shoulders, because I had a whole lot of them. He give me a new compassion for other hurting women, and give me a new depth to my spiritual life.  I got more serious about reading Scriptures, praying, and journaling. 

This is also when I started seeing a new appreciation for the beauty of God and his creation, and for other peoples' reflections of that in their art, music, nature, and literature.  That overflowed into my home schooling as well.  It was also a time for what I call a fresh poetic surge when poems started pouring out of me in celebration of God's grace and goodness!

I was so aware of being kept in God's unconditional mercy to take me as I was, but at the same time, I still wondered how I could change the habits and attitudes that had hindered me for years?  It's wonderful that God takes me as I am, but shouldn't I have changed in some of these areas by now after 30 years as a Christian?  God takes us where we are, but he doesn't want to leave us there.  He wants us to move on and grow up.  

It seemed like many people around me were focused on mortifying their own sins and becoming holy by their own efforts, as well as by constant confession and accountability. For a while, this seemed like a humble and pious approach and I embraced it. However, over the years, I realized that it was way too easy to forget God's grace in this approach. The more I tried, the more I felt neurotic, depressed, anxious, and frustrated. I knew this was not honoring to God.

Last year, in his mercy, God opened my eyes to assure me that instead of being a filthy and depraved little worm with a deceitfully wicked heart, that I was now a new creation in Christ, a precious saint in his sight, covered in the righteousness of Jesus by his sacrifice! I needed to rest and rejoice in this glorious truth, that God was going to change me, not by my own self effort, but through his grace!

I started seeing how much I had succumbed to legalism. I think there are actually two kinds of legalism. One is made up of picky outward man-made rules to prove that you are in the "in crowd" spiritually.  I almost think this is the more harmless kind. The other kind is an inward legalism. It says, "I am going to be good no matter what!  I am going to hack those sins right out of me no matter what it takes!" It is an attempt to make yourself holy and remove your sin by your own efforts. It leads to self-righteousness and wanting to give up.

Both types of legalism are unfortunately rampant in the home schooling movement, in my opinion. Many times we do what we do because we want to raise kids with perfect godly character. We rely on our methods, our rules, and our curriculum to do this, rather than on the Spirit of God working in their hearts.  Unfortunately, if and when they don't toe the line, there's a lot of stuff to deal with!




Galatians 3:2-3 speaks clearly to this kind of legalism when it says, "Let me ask you only this: Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?"


In learning to overcome this inward kind of legalism, I had to study the gospels.  I've been studying all four gospels concurrently over the past several months, working through them to find out: "Who is Jesus and how can I be like him?"  I want to find my true identity in Christ as a SAINT SET FREE from the power of sin, walking in the power of the Holy Spirit, willingly responding to what God was doing in my life rather than trying to hack out my failures by myself.


John 8:36 proclaims, "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." Why would we ever want to be in bondage again? Such joy and liberty comes from the amazing grace of God!  

There have been many areas of my life where I have struggled for years and felt like I couldn't change, but when I began to focus on my identity in Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit to change me, that is when I began to change the habits, the atttitudes, the patterns of thought.  The transformation came when I realized who I was in Christ rather than focusing on how much sin I had to get rid of it. 

Yes, there will be times when you stumble and fail. My encouragement to you is to get back up, ask God for help, and keep going. When I am discouraged or feeling blue or going through a monster case of PMS, I remind myself that the feelings will pass. It helps to get a nap or a good night's sleep, read an encouraging book, talk to my husband or a trusted friend.

Another benefit of being confident of God's love and acceptance, is that you become an authentic woman, not pretending or performing for others. As a home school mom, you don't need to impress others with your family's accomplishments and you don't need to criticize others to make yourself feel better.  I am delighted that my acceptance and approval are in God, not in other people. I don't need to crave approval from others, and I don't need to fear their disapproval.



Proverbs 29:25 says, "The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe." I found this to be true again last year. I needed to write an e-mail to my friends about an issue I had prayed about and that I knew had to be addressed. However, right after I hit the send button, I suddenly had a panic attack.  I had never had one before.  It was so weird! My heart was pounding. I tried reading aloud to my kids, but I couldn't even breathe normally. This went on for a few hours. Why? I was subconsciously afraid of how people would react to what I had written. Then I thought, I don't need to do this!  I am a Christian, I wrote what I needed to write, I prayed about it, and in confidence I can do the things I need to do! Once I realized that, I determined never to let that happen again. I took courage in God's grace and trusted him to use that e-mail for his glory -- and he did!  People have told me how much it meant to them.



If you are doing what God has called you to do, you don't need to fear anyone!  This precious truth has given me the liberty and boldness to speak up and speak out on other issues since then. People have told me how much they have appreciated my voice and my perspective. I am so glad that I am no longer captive to fear of others!

We can also be captive to our own fear of failure. What if we mess up in home schooling? What if my children are ruined forever because I used the wrong curriculum? What will people think? If you get stuck in this mindset, you will be paralyzed! You will be too afraid to do anything!


This holds true for our kids, too. If we are constantly demanding perfection or ridiculing them for their mistakes, they will be reluctant to try anything difficult. They will stick with the safe and easy stuff, rather than challenging themselves to stretch their abilities. This totally quenches the love of learning.  You'll get a dumbed down kid.


Instead, you need a holy confidence from God! He is quite capable of working in and through you in spite of your weaknesses! Your weaknesses showcase his power even more splendidly! I want to encourage you to focus on the good things -- the great things God has created you to be and called you to do. If you do that, you'll be too busy to spend much time messing up!


So get your joy and enthusiasm back! Your purpose in life is not so much to avoid sin and mistakes but to reflect the glory of God by trusting in him, by going out and living the Grand Adventure.

Romans 15:13 is such an inspiration to me when it says, "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Likewise, our motivation in deciding to home school our kids should not be in what we are trying to avoid, but what we are trying to nurture in their lives: a love for God, a love for family, a love of learning. This completely changes the focus of how we do it as the years go along, too. Home schooling becomes joyful journey rather than a dreary duty.  There is a fullness in it.


Jesus said in John 10:10, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly."  The devil wants to steal your joy, your peace, your love.   Are you going to let him do that? How can we keep the devil from stealing our joy? How can we become full of abundant life?


In John 15:4-5 he continues, "Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."

If Jesus's life is flowing through you, that's going to bring you the joy, peace, and love.  So you don't need to be a "driven" home school mom.  I'm not talking about being "type A" personality, but about having the mindset of "Just got to DO it, no matter what we squash in the process, we've just got to get this done to prove it, no matter how well we get it done!"
You can't make your kids holy either. You must rely on God, and rest and work in his grace.


Matthew 11:28-30 invites us: "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

If home schooling has become burdensome to you, you're probably taking on too much.  It's not that you need to do less, but that you need to transfer your burden to Jesus.

So we can pray with Quaker poet John Greenleaf Whittier from his hymn "Dear God and Father of Mankind":

Drop Thy still dews of quietness

Till all our strivings cease;

Take from our lives the strain and stress

And let our ordered lives confess

The beauty of Thy peace.

Blessings,

Virginia Knowles

You can hear the full "Amazing Grace for Home School Moms" presentation here: http://comewearymoms.blogspot.com/2010/03/amazing-grace-for-home-school-moms.html and read part of my other speaking notes here: http://comewearymoms.blogspot.com/2010/03/tender-compassion-for-mothers.html

Tender Compassion for Mothers

Tenderness is a special character quality for mothers, but it comes from God. He leads us with gentleness so that we can lead our children with gentleness.


Isaiah 40:11 says, "He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young."

1 Thessalonians 2:7-8 also talks about the gentleness of motherhood when is says, "As apostles of Christ we could have been a burden to you, but we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children. We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us."

And so our children become dear to us, and we are delighted to share our own lives with them -- but only as we are filled with God's tender compassion for us. As we live in the lavish love of God, we can learn to listen and respond to our children, rather than react at them. We don't need to be tyrannical dictators anymore. We don't need to feel like we must dominate our children, to use our own self-effort to make them holy, as if we expect a bunch of outward rules to change their inward hearts. Josh McDowell once said, "Rules without relationships reap rebellion." We've all seen the tragic results of teens and young adults who have walked away from their family and their faith because life was all about legalistic rules, without any warmth or grace.


GRACE! Our own grace toward them will lovingly point them to Jesus, the source of God's grace. On the other hand, our bitterness will only drive them away from God. We need to let go of the bitterness and anger of daily irritation or unmet expectations of how mature your children should be by now. Hebrews 12:15 says "See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled."   Many people think that our children will only be defiled by the TV, by bad friends, or by the Internet, and yet one of the worst ways they can be defiled is by bitterness in the family!  This will alienate them from you and your values faster than anything.  Anger just doesn't work.  As James 1:19-20 exhorts us: "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God."  Proverbs 15:1 reminds us that "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."


The issue of child discipline can be rather tricky at times. Yes, we must deal firmly and directly with issues, rather than being in denial. However, we must do this with right motives and with self-control. We don't need to shame or guilt-trip our kids into doing what is right, but teach them a better way. 1 Corinthians 4:14 sets the standard for parenting when Paul says, “I do not write these things to shame you, but to admonish you as my beloved children.”

So instead of coming against our kids to inflict vengeance on them when they disappoint us, we come alongside to restore them with grace and to gently teach them the right way to live. So we can say, "I care so much about you that I want to see you succeed in life. This kind of behavior is going to bring you down, so I want to do whatever I can to help you choose better in the future. Now let's talk about it…"

We can choose to speak sweetly from the heart, with deep and tender affection. Tell your children often how much you love being their mother. Give them hugs, kisses, pats on the back -- even if they seem to resist it. Cheerfulness should start early in the day with a hearty "GOOD MORNING!" because "This is the day that the Lord has made -- let us rejoice and be glad in it!" You don't need to be morose or uptight! Enjoy your day! Be energized with a smile!


We can begin to affirm in our children the ways we see that God has gifted them and how they are growing up. We can notice and praise little acts of kindness or signs of progress. We can celebrate their accomplishments, whether it is learning to read a few words, or making the baseball team, or playing in a piano recital, or finishing a project. Whatever it is, celebrate it!

There is so much power in our words and small gestures. Do you really really REALLY want to get through to your kids? Then don't yell at them! Speak sweetly to them! Proverbs 16:21, 24 reminds us that "The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction… Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."

This is just part of the "Tender Compassion" segment of  the Amazing Grace for Home School Moms presentation I did in Gainesville, Florida on March 11.  Be sure to listen to the whole presentation!

You might also like to read something I posted last year on my main blog: The Greatest of These Is Love.

Amazing Grace for Home School Moms

Dear friends,


On March 11, I had the wonderful opportunity to travel to Gainesville, Florida, to speak to the home school group led by my friend Mardy Freeman. Mardy had asked me to share a fresh testimony of what God had been doing in my life, so my topic for the evening was "Amazing Grace for Home School Moms." I spoke for a little over an hour about Joyful Liberty, Tender Compassion, and Wise Guidance, and ended with a Questions time. For your convenience, I have split the audio into these four sections.


I have to say that much of the growth in my life as a home school mom has come because of Mardy's perspective and encouragement over the past few years. I wish she had been there Thursday night (she was out of town), because I am so thankful for her, and for others who have spoken words of wisdom and grace to me. I did, however, get to see my dear friend Bonnie Carmichael, who moved to Gainesville about 11 years ago. Bonnie has been so kind to send me sweet e-mails through the years. You'll hear her insight in the Questions section.


Enjoy!

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"Joyful Liberty" is 20 minutes long. How do we get set free from failure, fear, and frustration so we can live with joy, confidence, and enthusiasm?

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

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"Tender Compassion" is almost 20 minutes long. How do we learn to thoroughly enjoy our children and come alongside them for positive change -- instead of being angry, bitter, and frustrated with them? How can we communicate with them effectively?

"As apostles of Christ we could have been a burden to you, but we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children. We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us." 1 Thessalonians 2:7-8

~*~*~

"Wise Guidance" is almost 20 minutes long. How do we discern what to do in our home school? How do we set an example for our children in seeking wisdom? This segment also includes a brief description of the Charlotte Mason method of home schooling.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him." James 1:5

"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God." Philippians 1:9-11

~*~*~

"Comments and Questions" is about 7 minutes long. This includes my answer to the classic question, "What do I do with my two year old?"

I would love to hear your feedback on these audios. You can click here to comment or e-mail me at virginiaknowles@gmail.com

You may also like to see some links I posted about mentoring and mothering, including 3 podcasts of an interview Karen Campbell did with me.  You can find them here: Titus 2 Mentoring Podcast and Links.
Amazing grace to you!

Virginia Knowles

Adding Your Voices About Child Abuse

If you haven't read my article, "Child Discipline or Child Abuse?" yet, you may want to read it first! It's just below this one on the blog. This post here is a compilation of excerpts from just some of the responses I received in my inbox since I originally published it two days ago. I'm putting them here because these ladies bring up some great food for thought, as well as ideas on how to reach out to others.

First though, some link backs to two home school authors who have been kind enough to link to my article and add their voice to the cause:

Rob Shearer, noted home school author and publisher:
http://redhatrob.com/2010/02/tragedy-in-a-homeschooling-family/

Karen Ehman, author of many books and popular Proverbs 31 conference speaker:
http://karenehman.com/home/2010/02/23/box-bashing/

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I wanted to let you know that I appreciate that you addressed this issue of child abuse. I also want to encourage you to continue encouraging others to actually get involved in the lives of those around them. We all know when something just doesn't seem right and kids just are not happy. When we see these that something is wrong, we have to purpose to make friendships so we can have a position of influence. We need to enlist others to befriend and encourage good works and develop parenting skills. It is okay to build a visiting schedule quietly with a few devoted families to discern and give direction. With God's help you can change the direction and perhaps hear one day that those times you came made "all the difference."

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I appreciate you sharing this. It is horribly tragic, and the sad thing is that for those of us wanting to home school and appropriately discipline our children it is so hard. We don't want to shy away from the true God-given authority we have nor the appropriate discipline that is required in parenting. Yet I know I tend to shirk away and want to withdraw when I hear a story like this. I appreciate you sharing the voice of corrective balance to remember where appropriate and inappropriate differ. Knowing the extremes to which you are pushed as a parent in your own capacity, I realize that I (seemingly a sane and loving parent) have capacity to go beyond healthy and into inappropriate expressions of anger or frustration that could become directed at my child. I imagine many of these parents start out with good intentions, but their own woundedness and brokenness, misdirection, etc, can lead to inappropriate behavior that gets into abusive category. I appreciate you sharing this with your readers, and challenging them (us) to consider whether we have crossed certain lines. I don't think it's as far out of the average person's ability to go over the limit when we are pushed by the stresses of our day, being isolated from our community, and being guided by our own anger out of control. I also think it's very hard because this is such a bad witness to Christian parenting and home schooling. It's a slap in the face to all the parents who have done such an outstanding job with their efforts, and have loved their children and loved the Lord and followed His lead. No parent is perfect, but the sad thing is what a bad rap home schooling is getting anymore, and this just is another example that critics will point to. I want to have the balance of discipline which the world does NOT offer appropriately in their schools, nor do I want my children exposed to abusive behavior. I want to find the Godly path of leading them, but this can be scary. I am appreciative that there are so many good resources for parents who want to choose healthy Christian parenting, with healthy godly discipline, and I hope we can all continue to encourage each other and also keep each other accountable in this important area of balance. Thank God for his grace and mercy for us, and the grace of our children.

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Your email was galvanizing for me. It crystallized many thoughts and feelings I have been having about the use and abuse of authority in the Christian home school movement - vs the authority the Holy Spirit wants to have in our lives. Kids are people too! I was particularly devastated by the destruction of a family...one whose goals may have been so similar to ours..filled with books - like Frog and Toad books - that my children have loved.... The law - the religious spirit - is insidious. No wonder Jesus went on about it. There is nothing we can do to earn God's favor - not even being perfect disciplinarians will do it. Thank God.

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The bummer is that they are a home school family and now we run the chance that all home school families will be labeled as such. And may I add that “deeply religious” really has nothing to do with true Christianity for one can be deeply religious about anything. Someone truly deeply into Christianity would NEVER even think of hurting anyone else in the name of Jesus. Bad things happen even to those that love Jesus but we should never justify it with religion. Guess I am ranting too…

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Thank you for this info. This is important and it appears God has allowed it on your 'grace plate' to take the time to research and communicate to others. I pray it goes to the right in boxes and bears much fruit.

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I think that we parents of older children who still have younger ones learn that less is more. I wish I could go back and relax a little in the way I schooled and disciplined my older ones, but it was never anything near this. How these people can close their eyes and pray or sleep I do not know! God will surely judge them, but until then I agree that we need to be as out spoken on the "DON'TS" of discipline, especially in the homeschooling community! I join you in prayer and work to try and keep this from happening again.

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It’s interesting. My 12 y-old daughter came into me this morning as she was woken from a sad dream she had of a little girl she tried to rescue but was unable to, from her abusive parents. We discussed the responsibility God places on parents to be their child’s protector. A small helpless child most often has ONLY their parent/guardian to keep him/her safe. How said it is when the only person appointed to be that child’s protector is the one that does him/her harm. We had ourselves a time of grieving for all the children who are so betrayed by their parents. I reminded her that the Bible warns about God’s fierce wrath toward those who harm little ones. Defenseless ones… even aborted ones. Why does God put up with our depravity? And how much longer with He continue to have mercy on us? But, let us NEVER waiver in speaking out against what God hates…Let us never fail to warn others of God’s wrath, and that its ONLY because of His unmatched mercy that any of us are breathing! Thank you Virginia for doing just this. And I among many stand with you…CONTINUE TO SPEAK TRUTH IN LOVE!

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I hear what you are saying loudly and clearly. My husband and I are in the midst of and working through many fallouts of the early homeschooling parenting techniques that have been just as abusive if not more so than the physical - the control and manipulation used by parents - the worst being the use of God, Scripture, and religion to beat children into submission. I have been reading several blogs and am blown away by what I read. An incredible blog I read is called http://www.quiveringdaughters.com/. The author is the eldest in a large fundamental family. She is completing a book out by this spring. You will be very intrigued by her writing! We have worked with more couples and young people than we ever imagined, who find themselves in abusive situations. My thinking has been challenged and I feel like a different person as I study the Word and allow God to take me into the lives of these precious people who are being controlled and manipulated by those who were supposed to love them the most! Thanks for the words.

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Thank you for taking the time to inform on this and for taking a solid stand. You are so right, abuse can never be tolerated. Abuse in the name of Christ is so very wrong.

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I couldn't agree with you more! Thanks for sharing your feelings. It seems like people stay silent on the issues of child abuse and homeschooling, and it has bothered me for years.

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I’ve graduated my last homeschooled student/kid two years ago, but my heart remains in the home school community and I mentor several younger women. I can’t tell you how many times I received calls from home school moms who want to know what to do about situations like the ones you’ve described. They suspect something is “just not right.” Either in neglect, NON-homeschooling, father/daughter relationships, or promiscuity, or even in inappropriate dress of fellow students in the home school co-ops. I encourage them to pray for those they are concerned about and go to them directly as the Bible instructs us to do to share their concerns, then to their elders. Over and over again the response is similar. When information is brought to the attention of the parent the response is denial, or preference to keep their heads in the sand and not look at the tough issues, to hostility and accusations of “witch hunts.” It’s painful to not see transparency and humility in the approach to lovingly bring something to the attention of another believer and have this response. I do think this is a serious issue with homeschooling parents as they attempt to guide and instruct, yet self-righteousness begins to cover over-bearing control to produce perfect kids. Thank you for tackling this tough issue, and I want to encourage you to continue. I’ll pray for you and your family and those homes your newsletter reach; but above all that the gospel will become more and more meaningful in our hearts and lives. God bless you sister.

Child Discipline or Child Abuse?

Update on August 16, 2011 at end! 


Dear friends,

Please permit me a rant. You need to read this.

On February 6, seven year old Lydia Schatz, adopted from Liberia, was murdered. Her 11 year old sister Zariah is in critical condition with severe kidney damage. Who did it? Their deeply religious (I can’t bring myself to say Christian) home schooling parents, who were attempting to “discipline” them. The “offense” of the murdered child was that she mispronounced a word during her home school lesson. She was beaten for hours with a plumbing supply line. Another brother has been found with significant bruising. Read the news story.

I am heartsick. I've been tracking news stories in the home school community for years, and these deaths are not the only ones. (This hits a little close to home for me. A few years back, I was shocked to hear that another home schooling mom named Kimberly Forder, who had written an article about international adoption for the Hope Chest -- ouch! -- was convicted of murder in the abuse death of her son Christopher.) Many horrible abuses that don’t happen to result in death are never even reported. Much of this is the result of very misguided or overwhelmed parents trying to implement “Biblical” discipline in their homes. THIS IS NOT BIBLICAL DISCIPLINE AND IT MUST STOP! As compassionate Christians and as a home schooling community, we must have ZERO tolerance for abusive parenting. If we seriously want to preserve the abundant liberties we enjoy as home schooling families, we're going to have to make sure that our movement is not characterized by such aberrant behavior. We need to start speaking out and educating one another about healthy family dynamics and child discipline.


I am not railing against reasonable corporal discipline, nor should we overreact to an occasional minor accidental injury related to this, but we do need to take a stand when we see any of these warning signs:

• Parental action which results in bruising, bleeding, welts, burns, fractures, dislocations, or other injuries (I don't consider very temporary minor reddening of the skin to be a concern)
• Parents who neglect to seek appropriate medical care for an injury out of fear of being accused of abuse
• Parents who withhold proper food, sleep, hygiene, or emotional nurture from the child as a form of punishment
• Parents who force their children to have unnatural contact with urine, feces, or other unhygienic situations
• Parents who lock their children up in a room for extended periods of time (I'm not talking about reasonable "time out")
• Parents who are “out of control” in their anger, and who are more interested in punishment and retribution than in sincerely and compassionately training their child
• Parents who routinely resort to extended yelling, shaming, ridiculing, harsh accusation, and other forms of verbal abuse -- which can be (but not necessarily) a signal of physical abuse
• Parents who publicly advocate using discipline methods which seem abusive or excessively harsh, even if they are taught as being “biblical” or “godly”
• Children who are cowering in fear from their parents, or who are unusually withdrawn, depressed, or aggressive

This may be you! If so, stop now and get help! Your child’s safety and emotional well-being is far more important than your reputation. Do we want to train our children that it’s OK for Mom and Dad to be violent bullies in the name of Jesus? How can we ever teach them self-control if we aren’t setting the example? Things can get better! Things MUST get better! Perhaps it is your husband who is doing this. You may think that it would be unsubmissive to intervene in a “discipline” situation because your husband is supposed to be the spiritual leader of the home, or because if you were being a "better mom" your kids wouldn't behave badly enough for him to get that upset. Sorry ladies, but these excuses just don't fly. In Acts 5, Sapphira was punished just as harshly as her husband Ananias because she went along with his deceit and tried to cover for him. So you don't get off the hook for your responsibilities just because you are "submitting" to your husband. If your husband is out of control to the point of abusing your children, you have the MORAL and LEGAL obligation to do whatever you can to put an end to this behavior. If that means you need to physically restrain your husband and/or take your children to a safe place until he calms down, then do it. If this is a pattern and your children are in continued danger, you NEED to get outside help. Call a trusted friend, your pastor (unless he condones or ignores abusive discipline), a professional counselor, and/or your community’s family crisis center -- and keep going until you get the REAL help you need.

In addition, husbands should never treat their wives like dirty doormats in the name of “Biblical submission.” You do not need to passively accept physical or verbal abuse. I've heard from some of you who are being subjected to this kind of degradation, even some who have been in danger. This is not right! You are not becoming a “liberal feminist” if you begin to draw healthy boundaries of respectful treatment around yourself. But, remember, everything must be done in love - even when we have to draw safe boundaries. Someone else's poor behavior is never an excuse for ours. This blog post might help: Help for Hurting Marriages.

You may know someone in your neighborhood, your extended family, your church, or your home school support group who is abusing their children or spouse. Don’t turn a blind eye. Do your best to discretely find out what is going on in the family by talking to the children and to the parents. This is compassionate intervention, not gossip. Offer support. Encourage them to get help. If they refuse to do this, and the situation is serious and continuing, you will need to call in outside intervention. (Be VERY careful about making accusations public, though, because it may not be abuse at all, and an unnecessary visit from the police or social worker can be quite traumatic for a child. Be sure of your facts before you call.)

While we are on the topic of inappropriate parenting, I’d like to say a few things about over-authoritarian control in the Christian home schooling movement. I know most of us are taking the time and money and effort at this because we want our kids to turn out to be fine, upstanding, godly young adults. We don’t want them to make the same mistakes we did. We want to keep them out of trouble, out of harm’s way. We don’t want them to “fall into sin.” Fair enough! But I think we need to take a SERIOUS look at how we view this and how we try to implement this in our homes. (This is something I am reevaluating, too, so I'm preaching to myself.) I think some among us have become control freaks with our kids. We need to realize that we aren’t God, we don’t own our children, and we don’t need to dictate every last little detail of their lives or isolate them from all outside influences, especially as they move into the teen years. We don’t need to use ridicule or guilt-trips to get them to behave according to our expectations. Yes, we need to teach them as best we can, be wise "gatekeepers" over the influences in our homes, and certainly set a wholesome example -- but most of all we need to pray for them and trust God, who loves them so much more than we ever could. We need to listen to our kids and not try to shut them down whenever they express disagreements. They should have the freedom to share whatever is on their hearts (hopefully in a respectful manner!) without fear that we will react in shock, disapproval or rejection. We need to seek to inspire our children into such a warm relationship with their Heavenly Father that they will increasingly learn for themselves how to hear and follow his voice. Home schooling should not be the means to unduly limit our children’s options in life, but to launch them into the Grand Adventure (risks and all!) which our loving Lord has planned for them!


I hope to write more about these topics sometime soon, but for now, these links will provide some food for thought…

• “Christian Families on the Edge: Authoritarianism and Isolationism Among Us” by Rachel D. Ramer for the Christian Research Institute
• Heartbroken. Angry. Again. (this blog post by TulipGirl includes lots of links for further research)
• When Parenting Kills – What Can We Do?

And, if you didn’t click on it earlier in my letter… News story on the Schatz family

I'ver received a lot of responses in my e-mail inbox since I published this on February 17.  I have compiled excerpts from several of them, including ones with additional ways to reach out to hurting families: Adding Your Voices About Child Abuse

Update: On March 11, I had the opportunity to speak for a home school group in Gainesville, Florida. Some of my comments touched on positive child training. You can listen to the audio message: Amazing Grace for Home School Moms.

For grace and mercy - and justice!

Virginia Knowles

P.S. In the past few weeks this blog has received well over 2000 visitors linked from other sites. (It usually gets one or two per day!) I didn't realize until at least a week after I posted it that I didn't have the comment function turned on - I was beginning to wonder why folks weren't leaving any! So now it's on and you are welcome to share your thoughts! Please just remember to be civil and discrete.



Update on August 16, 2011:  Anderson Cooper is doing a CNN news report on this case tonight, and the clip is on-line.  You can watch it here: Girl Spanked to Death in the Name of God.   Michael and Debi Pearl are interviewed in this video.  They seem so calm and self-composed here, but this is what I wrote in an e-mail to my subscribers after my original blog post: "When I originally wrote my article, I mentioned Michael and Debi Pearl because their books on child training (To Train Up a Child and No Greater Joy) have been implicated in the abuse deaths of Lydia Schatz and Sean Paddock.   I received a few vocal protests about that, so I removed that paragraph when I posted it on my blog, not wanting it to be a distraction from my main point that parents must not let child discipline turn into child abuse.  However, I was absolutely shocked today to read Michael Pearl's own blog post in which he has the audacity to very mockingly laugh at his critics without mentioning the murder of Lydia Schatz, expressing any grief that her death has been linked to his methods, or even cautioning his readers not to overdo his own methods.  Instead, he brags about how children trained by his methods are going to take over the world.  This is unconscionable and sickening!"

Stop, Drop and Roll! (How to Deal with a Conflict!)

Dear friends,

I'm about to start teaching the Young Peacemaker curriculum in my home school co-op English class.   Meanwhile, here is something I came up with several years ago to teach my own kids.  It's just as good for moms! (This is an excerpt from my book The Real Life Home School Mom, which is available for free download in the sidebar of my main blog, http://www.virginiaknowles.blogspot.com/.)



~*~*~

Here is another idea for moms who are trying to be peacemakers: Stop, Drop and Roll. Given the sheer size of my family, there is a high probability that someone will be involved in an unpleasant confrontational conversation (argument) in a given day. A mom needs a way to deal with all this and not get overloaded. Here's a quick explanation of something that helps me keep my sanity when conflicts arise. I developed this concept from the standard "what to do when you clothes catch on fire" Stop-Drop-and-Roll instructions. Think of a conflict as a fire that is about to burn you up. If you thrash around wildly or run away, the oxygen is going to feed the flames. You've got to stop, drop and roll.





STOP: When you find your temper flaring, your jaw clenched, your muscles tense, STOP! Don't yell, nag, threaten, accuse, slam doors or otherwise lose it. You've seen the red warning flag, so STOP! "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires." (James 1:19, NIV)


DROP: You've got resentment, bitterness, frustration roiling around inside. It's a burden, and a heavy one at that. You're going to have to lay it down eventually -- why not RIGHT NOW? Drop your burden at the feet of Jesus. "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7, NIV) You don't have to carry it one minute longer. Forgive!


ROLL: Get on with it. If there is a solution to your conflict, work it out calmly, paying special attention to preventing a recurrence of the same problem in the future. After that, go about your business and don't let the whole thing stop you in your tracks or cause you to stew. You've got a life to live! "Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:13-14, ESV)


When I remember to Stop, Drop and Roll, it helps me solve problems much more effectively and efficiently. I also don't carry around frustration quite as long, which makes me more productive the rest of the day.

Grace Will Lead Me Home (Advent Poem 2009)

"Grace Will Lead Me Home"

by Virginia Knowles
Advent 2009


Grace will lead me home
Like a pillar of fire for a pilgrim in the wilderness
Like a shimmering star hovering over new Glory and Peace on earth
That wise ones still seek and follow.

Grace leads me home
When the way is dark and wayward voices call
I listen for the Shepherd's steady voice
When my soul cries for thirst
He leads me to the oasis
To the crystal fountain whence the healing stream flows

Grace leads me home
Because God is with me:
Jesus full of grace and truth
Grace upon grace dwelling in the tabernacle of my heart
My Messiah abides in me and I in him, my hope of glory


Grace leads me home
Because the Holy Spirit is my Comforter,
My Counselor to guide me in truth
Because I cry "Abba, Father! I am your child!"
I am more than a conqueror
Nothing can separate me from your love
And You will lead me home.

~*~*~*~

 
Each year I write an Advent poem.  Each year I wait for just the right inspiration.  Until it comes, there is no sense in even picking up my pen.  In recent months, God's grace has come to me in fresh ways as I am learned to live from a sense of who I am in Christ and to to rely on the power of the Holy Spirit rather than my own efforts.  I knew my poem this year would reflect his work in my heart.
 

On Sunday, Mike Nash preached on the wonder of God's grace.   Toward the end of his sermon, he mentioned John Newton's classic hymn "Amazing Grace".   (Another story here: The Amazingly Graced Life of John Newton: His was a tale of two lives, with God at the pivot point.)  Newton had owned a slave ship in the late 1700's before God reached down and plucked him out of darkness into the kingdom of light.  As we sang his hymn moments later, the line "and grace will lead me home" leapt out of the third verse.  I knew that was the start of my poem.  The other 18th century hymn that found its way into my own verses (pillar of fire, pilgrim, crystal fountain, healing stream) is "Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah" which I sometimes sing with my children.   You can listen to it in the original Welsh with the video below.



The poem is also inspired by John 15:1-8 and Romans 8.

I pray that "Grace Will Lead Me Home" it will bring hope to your heart this Christmas season.  I encourage you to think of people you know who might need fresh faith in the middle of trying times.  So many are hurting and lonely, which is extra hard when the pressure is on to be merry and jolly for the holidays.   Let's take the time to notice, to listen, and to serve.

As I walked with my friend Tonya this morning, we were talking about how sometimes what our own children need most is time to talk and just be with us.  So many unpleasant discipline situations could be avoided if we learned to communicate in a wholesome, affectionate and interested way.  We need to be proactive in training them in the good life rather than just waiting until they mess up and then taking even longer to correct them for poor choices.  A warm and nurturing relationship is the best way to raise children.   It takes time!  Likewise, I am seeing that God wants time with me, too.  He is Abba.  That means Daddy!  He is never too busy for me!   As I listen to him, he lovingly leads me on a positive path.   The stronger and closer my relationship with God is, and the more I am walking in grace, the less he needs to correct me.  I will want to please him with my whole heart, not grieve him!   And as my children see my intimacy with God and a growing desire to live for him and in him, this will help their hearts to turn in the same direction.   Love, joy, and peace are powerful magnets!  And grace will lead us home!

~*~*~

We're done with our Providence home school co-op classes for the semester. On Monday afternoon, we put on a Christmas program with each class singing one or two carols for the rest of us. The 5th-6th graders got brave and did theres in Spanish and sign language. My middle school English class sang the first known Christmas carol, "Of the Father's Love Begotten", which was written in Latin by Aurelius Clemens Prudentius in the 4th century and translated into English by John Mason Neale in the 1800's. The week before our performance, my students worked on memorizing it, learning about the meaning of the words, reading related Scriptures, and studying the Nicene Creed, which was written in the same time period. Their next assignment, to be completed before classes start again in January, is to read Luke 1 and 2, answer some questions, watch parts of Handel's Messiah, and then write either a short Christmas memories story, a Christmas poem, or a description of their favorite Christmas story or carol. I have posted the Handel's Messiah video clips on-line, along with some nativity-themed fine art from the National Gallery, here: Handel's Messiah & National Gallery of Art.


Since we only have a week's worth of Providence assignments this month, sometimes it's a bit of an extra challenge keeping the kids doing happy things and not aggravating each other. The five younger kids and I try to start each day with singing Christmas carols, reading a little few verses from Luke 2, and then enjoying one of our favorite Christmas books. I also want to read them some poetry, such as "A Christmas Carol" by Josiah Gilbert Holland. "O Little Town of Bethlehem", one of the carols we have been singing in the mornings, is such a familiar one to most of you, but I recently discovered a delightful little verse I had never seen:

Where children pure and happy pray to the blessèd Child,
Where misery cries out to Thee, Son of the mother mild;
Where charity stands watching and faith holds wide the door,
The dark night wakes, the glory breaks, and Christmas comes once more.

My prayer for the Christmas break is that in our family, charity will stand watching so that faith can open wide the door when we see a need or an opportunity to bless someone. We had a day earlier this week where it seemed we were all irritable with one another, just wandering aimlessly and selfishly. "Misery cries out to Thee" describes my plea to God about this. I didn't want to continue with that pattern all month. I'd much rather have "pure and happy" children. That's when I got serious about starting the morning with singing and decided to print out a dozen carols for our song notebooks. The next morning, after singing our carols, we talked about how we are celebrating Jesus' birthday this month and that we can give him a special present of worshiping him in faith, and then loving one another in response to that. (Naomi reminded me that JOY is thinking of Jesus first, Others second, and Yourself after that.) I really want to break the bickering habit and replace it with sweet speech. I asked the kids to make a special effort to stop calling names, mimicking, or telling each other to shut up. And if they offend or hurt someone, they need to apologize, even if it was an accident. But that's not enough! We need to replace the negatives with something positive. I suggested that each day, each of us will look for a small opportunity to bless each of the others. This could be reading a story to four year old Melody, offering someone a mug of hot chocolate, cleaning up a pile of construction paper scraps after craft time, running to bring someone a roll of toilet paper when it's out, or letting someone else go first on the computer. Honestly, it hasn't been perfect since then, but there has been a huge improvement and they seem to be responding to the gentle reminders to be pleasant and do the right thing. The dark night wakes, the glory breaks... We can do this after all, with God's help.


If you or someone you know are struggling through this Christmas season, whether from busyness, weariness, or life crises, please check out these articles that I wrote in years past: A Simplified Christmas and A Bittersweet Advent.

Help for Hurting Marriages

Dear friends,

I wrote this a few weeks ago and sent it to some friends, but thought I would post it here on the blog for you, too.

~~

I couldn't sleep this morning, so I decided to get up and write for a little while since there is something that's been on my heart to share. I know that a lot of you are struggling in your marriages right now, and I feel for you. I wanted to give you the title of a book that might be a tremendous help, Sacred Influence: How God Uses Wives to Shape the Souls of Their Husbands by Gary Thomas. I first read it a couple of years ago when he sent me a review copy. Then I lent it to a friend last year, and she recently returned it, so I've been flipping through it again. At the same time I've been hearing from a lot of wives who are struggling in their marriages and wondering what to do. There are various opinions floating around about this, and I will share some of my own thoughts a little further down in this blog post, but I think Gary has covered the topic so well that I want to draw your attention to his book first. I've recommended it to many friends, and so many of them have told me what a vital help it has been to them. He starts by encouraging wives to be strong in their own spiritual lives (for their own sakes and to equip them for helping their husbands) rather than giving way to fear or intimidation. He helps them to understand the mind of a man (we are SO different!) and to create a climate for change. In the last section of the book, he presents real life case studies of couples who have faced issues such as anger, marital unfaithfulness, lack of involvement with home & children, etc. He writes:



"If you always play it safe in your marriage, you’re going to end up in some ruts. What I believe will give you the most boldness and courage to address issues that need to change is, first, understanding who you are in Christ, and second, letting God, not your marital status, define your life. Armed with that acceptance, security, and empowerment, you become a mighty force for good. You can then claim the power of Moses’ words in Deuteronomy 31:8: “The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”


Fear and discouragement create stagnancy and persistent disappointment in marriage. If you’ve had your fill of those, why not try God’s path of faith and boldness?


One of the things I’ve been trying to do in these opening pages is to awaken in you a capability not often expressed to Christian women. Our culture in general – even Christian culture – is on a long slide toward passivity that completely goes against who God made us to be.


Let me be blunt: hope is not a strategy. Merely “wishing” that your husband would change, merely “wanting” your marriage to be different, won’t do anything. The problem is that some Christians spiritualize “wishing – we call it “praying.” Please understand, I’m not knocking prayer; I’m challenging a misconception about prayer, namely, that we can merely voice our displeasure and expect our world and our relationships to be transformed. True Biblical prayer is about much, much more than that. It involves receiving our marching orders and then acting on them.


A good marriage doesn’t happen by accident, and a good marriage isn’t maintained by accident. I’ve never written a book by accident, and you can’t build a business by accident. These endeavors require deliberate choices and much perseverance. When you start acting instead of merely wishing, when you begin taking initiative instead of simply feeling sorry for yourself, you become an active woman, and active women mirror the active God who made them." (from pages 34-35 of Sacred Influence)


That's just a tiny sample of this wealth of wisdom for wives, and from just one of his many books. I've lost count of the times I've told you all how much his other books have meant to me over the past few years. They have really pulled me through some rough patches in my faith. You can download free sample chapters and study questions for most of Gary's books, such as Sacred Marriage, Devotions for a Sacred Marriage, Sacred Parenting, Holy Available, Authentic Faith, etc.  Just go to http://www.garythomas.com/.

Oh, I can't resist giving you a paragraph from his earlier book, Sacred Marriage, too:


“The key to the discipline of fellowship is understanding this fundamental reality: All of us face struggles, and each one of us is currently facing a struggle that we’re having less than one hundred percent success overcoming. If we’re married, the fact is we’re also married to someone who is failing in some way. We can respond to this “bitter juice” by becoming bitter people, or we can use it as a spiritual discipline and transform its exercise into the honey of a holy life. In this fallen world, struggles, sin, and unfaithfulness are a given. The only question is whether our response to these struggles, sin, and unfaithfulness will draw us closer to God – or whether it will estrange us from ourselves, our Creator, and each other. Will we fall forward, or will we fall away?”


Now, a few thoughts of my own on what to do about a troubled marriage, with the disclaimer that this is my personal perspective after reading, listening, and asking a lot of questions.


On the one hand, I don't think it particularly helpful for husbands or wives to be overly focused on what is wrong with their marriages. I would say it isn't healthy to expect to fix every little irritating thing. And though we should be willing to honestly confess our own sins and to be prudently aware of the struggles our husbands face, there should also always be a delicate balance between transparency and reserve, even in an intimate marriage. It is not necessarily edifying to know about every little thought that goes through each other's hearts and minds. Some issues, at least initially, might best be handled with the help of a wise and trusted friend or pastor. I also think that gratitude and affirmation for each other's positive qualities can really sweet things up. There are so many petty things that can be overlooked and tolerated with the acknowledgement that we aren't perfect either. A culture of constant confrontation (whining, nitpicking, harsh criticism, accusation, suspicion, assumption, etc.) needs to give way to a culture of grace, patience, and forgiveness.

That said, I totally agree with Gary that a wife should not be a doormat when her husband is doing or saying things that are truly damaging the marriage or negatively affecting their children. A lot of Christian wives buy into the misconception that in order to be submissive (as the Bible encourages) that they need to suffer in silence and just passively go along with whatever happens. (Remember Ananias and Sapphira in Acts 5?) I've actually heard some people say, "If you bring it up once, that's an appeal. If you bring it up again, that's nagging." Personally, I think that's bosh. That would mean that a husband could just conveniently ignore a glaring problem, figuring that his wife has to shut up if he chooses not to listen right away. A wife has the sacred responsibility of addressing these important issues with feminine strength, prayerfully and firmly persisting, while entrusting the results to God. That doesn't mean her husband will change. She is not responsible for that. But she is responsible to keep speaking the truth in love, as creatively and persuasively and sweetly as she can, until he "gets it." No matter what happens, she at least has the dignity of knowing that she is "beloved in Christ" and precious in the sight of God, whether her husband realizes it or not.


~*~*~


May God of hope restore to each of us this vision of the glory of marriage.

I would be glad to hear your thoughts on these things!


Grace and peace,
Virginia

Appreciating the Pastors of Metro Life Church

Dear friends,


Since October was Pastors Appreciation Month, I would like this opportunity to share what I most appreciate about our pastors and about the church in general.

I appreciate our senior pastor, Danny Jones, for encouraging my daughter Julia to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit as she was making decisions about her trip to Bolivia earlier this year. His affection for our church is evident and genuine, and he always has a smile and a warm greeting.

I am thankful for Benny Phillips, not only for making such an impact on me as a teenager in Virginia in 1979-1980, but for being such a wonderful influence on me as an adult and for continuing the legacy with my teenagers. He really gets it and he really cares. 

I am grateful to Mike Nash for his compassionate realism, his humor, and his encouragement to make the best of what we've got. He listens well, and gives advice from the Word and from his heart.  

I love the passion for worship, prayer, and the gifts of the Holy Spirit that Todd Twining exudes. I'm also excited about the Worship & Arts Academy that he is developing for us and for the community.

I am thankful for how much Chip Chew does to keep everything running so smoothly behind the scenes. He may not be up there preaching, but his administrative work is vital for the ministry of the church. 

Then there is Jesse Phillips who, though he is young enough to be my son, amazes me regularly with his insight and his enthusiasm for pointing the youth of the church towards a strong and vibrant faith. He's also doing a fantastic job keeping folks involved in political issues.

Aaron Law, our newest intern, displays a humble wisdom. His preaching is thorough and well-studied, yet very warm. I've known Aaron for almost 10 years, and I respect him highly.

I am thankful to all of the folks at Metro Life for keeping it real and for loving each other well with such a diversity of gifts.



Blessings,
Virginia Knowles